Here's my ongoing problem. I've always been into guys. There seems like there's no doubt about that to me. But since I opened up to the side of me that likes girls some things have changed. Although I think I'm still attracted to some guys I have lost any desire to date them now I know I have another option, and though I've tried to fool around with them, kissing them (I hadn't kissed any men before figuring out my attraction to girls btw) is sorta disgusting every time and thus it ends there. In comparison the one girl I've kissed was quite enjoyable. Therefore, really, I don't want to do anything with men. I feel a bit like a bisexual whos being forced to live as a lesbian by some weird force inside me, or a lesbian who feels obliged to identify as bisexual because I feel something for men. Perhaps I am misinterpreting what I feel for guys (which is generally purely physical not at all emotional) and my interest in the past had been mainly a younger teens curiosity. Definitely it was a lot of curiosity, but is that really it, that seems ridiculous to me. Or maybe I have just had coincidentally bad kisses with guys, hence the disgust, and I can't get over my huge crush on a friend of mine even now we live miles apart, hence me not wanting to date guys. And also just a general lack of maturity and experience is probably scaring me off too - I've only just started experience the idea of getting hit on by guys, guys falling for me, anyone wanting to kiss me, in this year of 2016. Currently I'm trying to reconcile this with an umbrella queer identity, but I would rather have a more specific one 1. because it'll be hard enough to come out to my crazy mother, let alone with some ambiguous identity that just seems confused (cos I am but that doesnt mean I'm not into girls) 2. I don't really like this obligation that a non-gay identity gives me to be open to men. I just sort of would rather gain more experience with girls and hope that I can reconcile being a lesbian. But part of me thinks I should just accept my rather obvious bisexuality - why am I thinking in such a binary way? I feel a bit silly asking all these ambiguous questions on this forum from time to time but I guess that's what it's for. It's worth trying to discuss things with people.
You don't sound silly at all, it's good to get your thoughts out there -- if only for yourself to make sense of some of them. I'm in somewhat of a similar situation. This may not be the answer you're looking for, but until you come to a clearer conclusion about yourself then perhaps it's better to lay off the thought of having to label yourself. If somebody asks you for you sexual orientation, be vague and say "I like girls and possibly guys", or whatever you want. I find it counterproductive to stress about my sexual orientation, because the point of finding a "label" is to become at peace with yourself. If that doesn't work for you, then perhaps just put the thought of labels aside until another day. I know how it feels to want to have things more straightforward. I wish I was more certain about my sexual orientation. But the truth is that we happen to have orientations that blur the lines of pretty much everything, and we've just got to put up with it. If you want to go for a specific label, go for it. I agree that more complicated labels may feel harder to deal with. But keep in mind that as long as you think too deeply about your sexual orientation, you won't be able to do much if you feel that your chosen label is not right for you.
I don't want to scare you, but it sounds similar to my experience. With a lot of guys I am physically attracted, but I can't really date them because of the normative role dynamic. It makes me practically a lesbian. I talked with someone who's also queer about it, face to face, and that's how I became clear on it. I have been thinking about the same thing recently.
I just wrote a reply and it was lost... Um, AnAtypicalGuy, yeah I try to accept the idea of no labels but since coming to uni and being thrown in new social situations, particularly with guys, I'm finding it hard to know what to do or how to feel etc. I'll make my non-straightness obvious because I don't want to hide anything from my new social circle and then end up being asked what exactly I am. I'll say I'm bi but not totally sure, and one day end up in a situation with a guy at one of many uni parties, nights out, etc, back out half way through because it makes me feel pretty uncomfortable. Meanwhile I don't have the confidence to put myself out there for girls because I feel so unsure and unable to accept myself. It's difficult as hell. I was hoping I would just be free and try out life once I went to uni but tbh it just points out my problems more. Emerry, why would that scare me? I get what you mean, the straight dynamic sort of makes me uncomfortable. I don't really like the idea of being in that role. I quite like the idea of taking up bits of the guys role when I think about being with a girl. I get a kick out of carrying things for girls and stuff, giving them piggy backs, being a bit protective haha. A few weeks ago I was running down the road with a girl on my back trying to like, both amuse her and show how hench I am haha XD (i'm not hench... also not butch enough to call myself hench... in fact I could barely physically do it but I felt like I wanted to prove something, also we were drunk). Though thinking deeply I think I can imagine some types of guys that I could have a sort of enjoyable dynamic with... Like more sensetive or chill guys. I dunno...
Do you have a fear of accepting the possibility of being bisexual, or do you just not want to date men but have minor attraction? If it's the latter, I don't think anyone would care if you called yourself a lesbian.
No it doesn't scare me. The only way it bothers me is that when I go around saying I'm bi, 1. Girls try to talk to me about guys like I care more than I do 2. Guys think they have a chance despite me going around like the gayest person ever. But I also think I can have a completely equal feeling of physical arousal when it comes to both genders, I'm just not that drawn to the guys, and can't seem to have anything work with them anyway. So I'm not sure about my attraction to guys being "minor", it seems strong enough just really inconveniently put together. And yeah I don't want to date them. And ive never fallen for a guy. But in the back of my mind I imagine that this is just more of a mindset and could maybe change? Technically I'm bi on a basic level so there's no huge reason I couldn't end up with a guy sometime. id rather just be with a girl tho haha. I guess maybe my problem is more just that not enough people understand the Kinsey scale. If I could just say 4/5 to people and they get it that would be a pretty decent label.
Could it be that you just haven't found a guy you want to have a relationship with? There are always going to be people you are willing to hook-up with, but not date (be something more) whether male or female. If you enjoy being with men sexually and being with women sexually (equal sexual arousal)....then I would assume that indicates bisexual label. Being bisexual doesn't just mean 50/50 attraction which I would think many people understand at least those in the LGBT community. I agree with people above that you could go without a label..just tell people "You love who you love." If they ask more question, you can say, "I've been with male and females, but I am not going to limit my future with past experiences." I think you should just continue to explore your feelings and let time really dictate where you stand with your sexuality. I never was able to be aroused by a man when trying to be physical....never really had arousal with males anyway. Have you ever watch coming out as bisexual videos? Roxtera (spelling?) has a really good video on it and her wife told her coming out as lesbian. There are probably a lot more youtube videos you can watch.
Yeah I get what you're saying. Guys always end up putting me off in the end tho, hence I can't really find any to hook up with either. Kissing them is never very enjoyable and feels like a bit of a chore and so even though I'm excited for a bit I'm quickly put off. But I imagine that could also be a coincidence of who I've kissed. Perhaps I've just happened to have just had bad kisses with guys. I have to point out I'm a virgin. All I mean here is that sort of flirty touchy situations turn me on with both and I enjoy looking at and fantasising about both. Yeah it's quite likely that I'm just bi. I guess I just feel the need to communicate that I'm not 50/50. Yeah I guess there's not much else to it. Except that awkward experiences with guys are really putting me off, meanwhile the infatuation with some girls is strong haha. I guess I hope my life stops being so awkward. Yes I really just hope guys stop being terrible kissers, and that I can gain some sorta ground with girls rather than my one-sided admiration and not knowing what to do with it. Oh and yes I've watched plenty of coming out stories and i have to say the bisexuals seem to have a lot more luck with men than me haha. Though I did watch a video recently of AConnMann who's bi explaining why he doesn't date guys much and so I guess that made it seem more acceptable to identify as bi but not actually have to be trying both sides.
I've been through some similar feelings. I've just given up on concrete labels tbh but I know that'd be harder surrounded by peers in a university where they'd ask you questions... it was pretty easy for me though, under my circumstances. But if labels are important to you I don't necessarily think saying "screw labels!" over and over will help any. (hell, it could, though!) i mean for some that's a nice sentiment but it's not something I would expect everyone to be inherently chill with, even with no outside pressure. anyway, where was I going with this...? well yeah, if you do end up deciding you're just bi and "not 50/50", that's exactly how I felt for a long while, and I don't think that's uncommon at all... for me I mostly just said, "i'm bi but I have a preference for girls". kind of a mouthful and some people might make some comments I suppose, but that's true whatever you do I think. but those are just my opinions.
Bisexuality is one of the most difficult orientations to come to terms with, in my experience, because it can sometimes stay rigidly at Kinsey 6 for a long time, only to "flip" at some point. In those periods, it is possible to start thinking about your life in terms of "was I gay/straight all this time" - and feel completely uncomfortable with any idea of being into one of the sexes. Internalised biphobia is extremely hard to pinpoint- because it does not have one object of unhappiness at its centre. "Being open to men"- being bisexual does not have anything to do with this, you are not some passive object that *has* to be into men, and who will be protected from their "attacks" if you only can have a very clear queer identity. You are attracted to who you are attracted to, and you are free to act on it, or not, nobody can make you attracted to people who you are not attracted to. In my own case my attraction to women feels very different to that towards men. For a long time I very strongly identified with an exclusive attraction towards women, because in contrast to it, men felt scary, and something that I wanted to protect myself from, and being with a woman felt simply more "right" to me - hence I felt that I must be gay. This logic is very present in queer culture- that being with men makes a woman "dirty", not seriously gay etc. Hearing all these messages makes it very easy to start hating/denying/wanting to get rid of any attraction to guys, or at least to minimise its existence to a really manageable part of identity. Well, it is not that easy, and it will eventually resurface in one form or another.
I'm theoretically bisexual, but practically gay myself. Specifically, I'm a Kinsey 5 bisexual though I round to gay in the real world because it's a lot easier than trying to explain Kinsey 5. Besides I don't plan on having another relationship with a woman. You sound like you may also be in the Kinsey 4 or 5 range, so the question for you is which label feels closest to the truth for you - bisexual or lesbian. Perhaps "bisexual with a stronger preference for women" might be just the thing?
I feel kind of similar, definitely have a preference for men but I don't know why, I can't call myself "practically gay." Feels like I'm lying when I say that, but who knows if a lot of this is because I have such a rigid view about sexuality. I think it's more usual than not to have a gender preference. I kind of avoid the conflicting feelings around people by not disclosing my orientation, even though I desperately want to gain experience with girls and guys. :/
You can technically consider yourself bisexual, but with no interest on acting on the desire with men. I identify as a lesbian even though I don't want to have sex with women because I am celibate, have a low sex drive, prefer being alone over having relationships in general, etc. I could easily call myself aromantic asexual at this point, but I feel like that's a lie because that's not what my attractions are. Those are just the actions and choices I choose to make. But if you don't want to label yourself bi in case it makes people think you'll want to date men, that's understandable too. Though sadly, the lesbian label won't completely protect you from that assumption as people tend to think lesbians are bisexuals that prefer women. Sigh
In the last couple days ive finally sat down with my guy friend who likes me and he admitted having "a thing" for me and I finally had to tell him I didn't feel anything. We're still friends. Also I'm going to a lesbian bar for the first time tommorow. I've been thinking about these last few comments I got too. I would like to say, Siennafire that I might identify more like you if I was thinking only about the exact way I feel RIGHT NOW but previously I did have more interest in guys (though I also wouldn't dare let myself think about girls) so it doesnt feel truly me. LooseMoose, yeah the biphobia is sort of there... two girls I am feiends with were dating and broke up and now doing stuff with guys and I feel weird about it like I can't feel the same camaraderie with them any more haha. So yeah that's probably an internalised biphobic thing. Reskaro you basically described a lot of how I feel. I try not to disclose it tbh but people ask now that I openly let it be known im part of the lgbt community and express myself the way I do. And also not talking about it with my mother is constantly awkard. And everyone else thanks too I just don't have a specific thing to say to you directly. Identifying as bisexual but more into girls does sit okay with me. This thread is sort of leading me to that. But it's more of the practicalities that are getting me right now. Like, I don't want to say that to all my new uni friends - like for instance, I would never have explained my sexuality to that guy who liked me, so he thought for quite a while he had more of a chance than he did. But far far more big of a problem is my mother. I need to come out to my mother because she knows stuff is up, and all interaction with her is awkward and/or upsetting at this point. Soooo I think she thinks I'm gay... Or more that i think I'm gay..... She also has always had this minor worry about me being trans cos I always said I wanted to be a boy and now I'm dressing in men's clothes again like I always wanted to but whatever. She is weird and jokey but disapproving about gay things, but bisexuals she mainly just sees as confused teenagers and she wants to guard me from that. So... If I came out as gay it would be awkard, if I came out as bi I would have to convince her a fair bit, but tbh I cringe whenever she talks about me and guys, and boyfriends and husbands tbh and i would like to explain to her how I feel. But I would have to give her a whole explanation of like the Kinsey scale and stuff. At which point she would probably just tell me to stop talking cos she doesn't want to hear about this idiot psuedo-science stuff. Shes sort of like that when I talk about psychology stuff. So I dunno, do you have any tips on that? Like how do I come out to such a cynical person with such a wobbly identity? I want to maybe send a letter with a diagram or something but I'm still worried that she wouldn't read it. Maybe she would, but she still would want to talk about it and I doubt shed be convinced. Even if I just came out as bi and didn't explain myself I'd still have to convince and educate the hell out of her urgh. Even if I came out as gay she wouldnt need an explanation, but she probably just wouldn't beleive I really am anyway. And none of this, do I want to do, and then be wrong. But I cant put it off because she knows she just doesn't know what exactly the thing is and I just avoid her and get annoyed.
