Is the only way to really know to get together with someone?

I feel like I've hit a brick wall when thinking about my sexuality. I'm not really a very social person so it feels like the likelihood of me ever getting together with someone is very low, at least right now. I've been talking to my therapist about this stuff though and at this point he says any change at all is important, even if it's not necessarily going to turn my life upside down.

I guess I should start from the beginning though...(I'll put each section in spoilers so it doesn't look too overwhelming)

Spoiler

It was only about 2 or 3 years ago that I really started seriously thinking about what my sexuality was, up until that point I think I had just gotten by on the idea that it would all suddenly make sense when I was an adult, it was in the future so I didn't have to think about it. Originally I thought I was asexual (and I guess it's still a slight possibility) but I ended up staring at pictures of guys a lot and I would get aroused if I started at them long enough.

One moment that stands out in particular was looking at pictures of Zachary Quinto and going kinda funny, like kissing my pillow. I didn't really feel like myself. I haven't really felt as strongly as that since then....and looking at more pictures of him doesn't really do it either.

Spoiler

Back in secondary school I'd get boners while sitting in the common area. I guess I knew the reason for the boners were the guys in my year but at the time I felt very fixated on the jackets they were wearing. If get aroused because of what somebody is wearing can I really say that I'm attracted to that person? I asked my therapist that a few weeks ago, he said it was a good question but I never got an answer.

I thought I had a clothing fetish at the time. I guess I didn't think about it too much at the time but it made me feel very dirty and weird. The clothing fetish is probably still a thing but I think the last year or so has shown me that it goes beyond that.

Spoiler

The thing is I had "crushes" on girls in secondary school but I can't remember they're being anything sexual or physical about it....it was always because I thought they were nice or seemed friendly. The more I've read about attraction the more it seems like my idea of attraction was pretty timid.

Spoiler

At this point I feel like it's pretty likely that I'm either gay or maybe asexual with gay leanings. I don't feel particularly straight.

My best friend already knows most of this, he actually told me he thought he was bisexual a good year or so before I started telling him this stuff. That was a few years ago though. There's a forum I've been a member on for about 10 years now and it has a pretty tight community, I think I want to tell them some of this stuff soon. I haven't told my parents or family yet, it's not really because I think they'll react badly I'd just rather feel more confident about it when I say it to them.

I know this will sound dramatic but I feel like a shadow sometimes. Like somebody just moving around but not really doing anything that matters.

I suppose what I'm wondering now is where do I go from here and is the only way to really know to have sex with a guy? (or at least kiss one) I'm working through a number of things with my therapist and I do feel like he's helping but at the same time it feels like time is running out.

I had another question in the spoilers but in case people miss it I'll say it again. If you feel attracted by someone because of what they're wearing, can you really say you're attracted to that person at all?

 

No. To be honest I've seen women wearing jackets similar to ones I've seen guys wearing but it doesn't really do anything for me. Although I always assumed that was because I was a man and not a woman. Let me explain, there was another aspect to my "fetish" in that I would imagine myself turning into other guys. It's a lot weaker than it used to be though but when I was a teenager it was pretty much the only way I could "get off" reliably.

I feel like I've already made some progress with this stuff though. I don't think I would have been able to talk about this (even online) as openly about a year ago.