CN: Talk of prior suicidal ideation for part of this... I've struggled with depression & other mental health things since I was about 10. For a long time, I thought I would kill myself before I hit 15. Then it was 20. Sometimes, now, it's 25. For the record, right now I'm fine, it's just...sometimes, now. Anyway, this, along with the fact that there isn't much representation of LGBT older people, has led me to not being able to see myself hitting 30. There's a lot more nuance to this than I think I'm able to give, but I find the whole thing REALLY disturbing. I just...can't picture myself as an adult with a job and a family and a life. The fact that I'm agoraphobic in addition doesn't help. So, yeah. Does anyone else experience this? And if you have in the past, how did you take control of it? Thank you!
Zammie, for starters, you are not the alone in struggling with depression. You are from Wisconsin, I from Minnesota. This part of the country can be pretty accepting of lgbt people but it can also be a very lonely place to live. There have been several times in my life I haven't wanted to stay alive either, 16-25 and at about 30 and again at about 36-38. I would suggest a personal and in depth conversation with your primary doctor about some meds. A single med has taken 99.9% of those feelings away for me. No one deserves to feel hopeless or worthless, unable to see a future for themselves.... Take care kid!
I honestly couldn't picture myself as an adult when I was a teenager. And when I looked back I realised I just didn't have the life experience at the time. Everyone's future is uncertain, but you can pick a talent you'd like to develop or an environment you'd like to be in and sort of head in that general direction. Slow progress is better than no progress. In my late teens and early 20s, I had a couple of experiences where I actually got a job but when the time came for my first day, I didn't turn up and didn't answer the phone. I still feel kind of bad, but at the time I was in deep denial mode. But, there were also jobs where I DID turn up. I now wonder, was there something about those other jobs that didn't feel 'safe'? And did I try to bully myself into ignoring that feeling when my instincts knew better? I think, as time passes, and you (quite naturally) f*ck up more and more, you don't simply get better at forcing yourself to do things you don't want to do, you also get better at identifying situations that aren't for you. My advice to my teenager self would be "mistakes are normal! forgive yourself!". And to get all of my mistakes over with sooner rather than later.
