just came out to myself. Looking for help coming out to others

Hey guys, I was hoping some of you could give me advice on coming out and what I'm currently going through. I recently not only came out to myself but I finally figured out I was gay after many long years of denial, shame, and depression.

I'm a 23 year old guy and I've recently figured out that I'm gay two days ago. Over the past two days I've been coming to terms with this and have been feeling like a heavy load has lifted off my shoulders. Up until recently I've been in some pretty extreme denial about my homosexuality and wasn't even aware of these feelings I've been suppressing for so many years.

You could definitely say I'm not an effeminate guy. I grew up skateboarding with a pretty tough crowd. I later picked up snowboarding, surfing, and messed around with boxing in one of the tougher gyms in New York City. I have a strong artistic side but by no means do I fit into the image of what most people perceive as gay.

From as early as I could remember, I was probably about 8 years old when I first had feelings towards men. I remember being excited for bed time because I would lie awake in bed fantasizing about romantic scenarios with men. I probably did this for about a year or so but never thought anything of it... I was 8 and had no idea what these thoughts even meant.

Anyways, high school later came around which is when guys are typically chasing after girls and everyone starts having sex. I always thought I just didn't know how to talk to girls but looking back I had no real attraction and would talk to / ask out girls because that's what I thought was normal.

It wasn't until the end of my senior year when I had my first girlfriend and had had sex for the first time. It was prom night and I remember directly afterwards being super disappointed because I thought sex was this incredible experience and it didn't seem to be any better than when I masturbated on my own. Every time we did it, I never felt fully satisfied. There was something missing but I couldn't pin it down (her penis was definitely missing). I later broke things off with her early, freshman year of college for no real reason whatsoever.

By the time sophomore year rolled around, I hadn't had sex since my ex and people starting subtly suggesting I was gay. I became very aware of what I said and did, and what others said and did. I became very aware when someone would subtly suggest I was gay and when that would happen I would feel incredibly angry towards them (I would never get angry at them, I was always in my head). This happened throughout college and I unintentionally and unknowingly kept pushing myself farther and farther into the closet.

Second semester sophomore year I remember jerking off to porn when decided to shut it off and instead imagined this gay guy who went to my school. I remember my heart racing and having an organ that I've never experienced before. Directly afterwards I felt that of extreme resentment, anger and shame. This was the first time I felt shame. At the time I had no idea why I jerked off to the thought of another guy and hated myself for it. This would continue for another few months or so and I kept becoming more and more buried in shame.

At a certain point I managed to suppress my feelings and became numb to all emotions. I didn't realize that by doing this, I was slowly but surely driving myself into depression.

I later graduated college and didn't realize that by suppressing these feelings I was due for a major depression. I found no joy in anything I previously enjoyed, was incredibly lonely, I was isolating my myself from people, and I continued digging myself a grave deeper and deeper until it seemed like the was no hope for happiness in life.

A few months ago I was jerking off and allowed myself to think of a guy. I felt my shame all over again but it felt better than my depression so I kept doing it for awhile. I then stumbled upon gay porn one day and couldnt believe how aroused I became by all of it.

After watching more and more gay porn I slowly started questioning myself. I began doing numerous google searches to find out if I was gay and it led me to forums similar to these of people who have gone through very similar experiences and emotions. I still felt an incredible amount of shame and denial but it was a step.

This all continued to progress and progress. It got to a point where I felt very little shame but was in complete denial, having no recognition that I was actually gay. I became almost content so-to-speak.

It wasn't until this recent thanksgiving when my mom brought up at the table an old experience I had and repeatedly said "and you said 'mom, I think they think I'm gay'". She had a lot of wine and repeated this until I became flush red. After everyone left I was super angry at my mom in my head. The next day I left early and was quite angry at my mom.

That evening when my emotions calmed down I had a thought 'Wait, what if I'm actually gay... Like, what if I actually like men? What if this isn't a phase and what if this is who I am?' I let that sit for a moment and really imagined myself being with a man... Not just sexually, but romantically. I replaced the idea of a girlfriend with a boyfriend and toughtt about it without getting upset with myself. It felt genuine and right.

I havn't been able to sleep or focus much on anything the past two days because I've been fantasizing about the idea of being with a man. Not just sexually, but what it would be like to wake up up next to a man, to kiss a man, to go out to dinner with a man, to go to the beach at night with a man, to cuddle and watch a movie with a man, and the list goes on. The next day I said the words aloud 'I am gay'. I said it over and over in different contexts, allowing myself to feel comfortable about it until I felt very comfortable knowing that 'yes, I'm gay!'. It's not something that's going to change who I am or make me more effeminate. It's just going to be a part of my personality I recently discover. It's something that I finally figured out and am comfortable with the idea of being gay.

After finally accepting who I am, being comfortable with the idea of being gay, and being comfortable with what life entails being a gay man, I think I'm ready to come out to others. I know most of my friends and family will be supportive and that some relationships might change or adjust but does anybody have any advices from what I could expect? My very best friend since elementary school is homophobic and that's a person I'd be very upset for a long time if our friendship were to end over something like this.

In any regards, I feel that finally figuring it out and coming out to myself was the hardest part. I'm very much looking forward to spending my life with a man.