Ok, so I'm having a lot of anxiety/trouble with coming out. My mom is always saying how she accepts the LGBTQ community and stuff which was encouraging to me at first (like 1-2 years ago). As a result, I sort of dropped hints about my gender identity (i.e. dressing in boys' clothes not with the intent of being a tomboy but with the intent of being a boy), describing myself using "masculine" terms, asking some of my friends to use male pronouns even if we were just playacting). For the past year, I've gotten a lot more serious about trying to express my feelings re: being male to my mom but I've gotten the same response: "all you young people these days are so affected by the media, everyone's coming out as gay and lesbian left and right, and it's really too early for any of you to know". This hurts. She hasn't even gotten to the "my" part (i.e. the "T"), which I already know she accepts far less than the LGBQ. Additionally, every time I have hinted at not being cis, she's degraded me, saying it's not "becoming for a lady" to dress like I do and refuses to let me cut my hair in anything remotely male because "you're an pretty girl and I don't want you throwing that away", always going back to the "you're too young to know". I'd kind of understand her argument if I were like 7 or 8, but I'm a teen and an old soul. I have never been so sure of anything in my entire life, and this was affirmed when I came out to my best friend (also trans) who told me that they supported me and they were always there to talk. When they told me this after I came out, I was filled with an entirely new feeling and a crystal-clear certainty. However, I'm still worried that even if I did come out to my mom she'd think I was "just copying" that other friend (I cut my hair short a year after this friend did and my mom still is convinced I'm copying them). To augment my certainty, I've always been uncomfortable with my body and had a horrible eating disorder. Like, I know it's "hot" for a girl but it just didn't feel...mine. When I finally built up enough courage to start cross dressing in the privacy of my room away from my mom's eyes, I felt free for the first time since I was really little. So, what if I do know what I am and who I am? Since I was little I've felt the same way about my gender identity. I just don't know how I can tell her without getting a condescending response. I know it's horrible I'm really jealous of my friend who came out smoothly to their parents and was allowed to wear binders, crossdress, etc. I would love nothing more than this. I've never been so sure of something in my life and if I can save up enough money, I am going to go on T myself when I turn 18 regardless of if my parents approve or not (can I do that???). Ditto with top surgery, even though I have no idea how I'm going to save up enough money :/ I don't want to wait too long because I want to be able to live my life the way I want to as soon as possible. If it were up to me, I'd start binding and taking T tomorrow... How do I come out? She's really angry at me all the time because she thinks I'm "keeping secrets" from her but the only secret I'm keeping is my gender identity. Being closeted is starting to interfere with my relationship with her but I don't know how I CAN tell her because it will cause me to feel unwanted and inadequate if she responds like she usually does. Please help, sorry to be a burden...
TBH your mother doesn't sound super receptive, despite her claims she doesn't have a problem. Being in the closet sucks, but it won't be forever. Make sure you have a support network before you put yourself in a vulnerable situation (you're dependent someone else for food/shelter/transport). Have the emotional support of friends. Visit an LGBT centre to know your medical options and legal rights. Whether you can see a counsellor or doctor without your parent's can vary from state to state. If you have a school counsellor, you can ask them about other counselling options and you don't have to say any more than what you want to. And, this might sound random, but if you don't have a job yet, get one. Your access to hormones may one day rely on what type of health insurance you have. Best to start adding experience to that resume sooner rather than later. There's a lot you can do to prepare to come out, whether that's in 3 months or 3 years. Good luck
Hi! I think with some things you're never too young to know, but maybe too young to recognise. I came to the realisation I was gay when I was 26ish, but accepted it when I was 29, and at 35 just came out to three friends this year. All of them say they would never have guessed (I was very firmly closeted so never gave anything away), but because of my age, one of them asked if I was always gay as I'd had a few relationships with men. I can firmly say that I've always been gay, that my first crush was on a girl when I was 10 and I've never had a crush on a boy. There were no gay role models back in the day till I was 17/18 and watched Ellen and Buffy, and I dismissed the feelings I had and tried to make myself be interested in boys. It didn't work, and the relationships I had were miserable for both me and the guys who always noticed I was rather aloof with them. Being gay is a part of me that was always there, it's just the way I'm wired. But anyway, this brings me back to your questions, too early to know and how to come out. Your mum said about the media and how everyone is coming out, but I think what might be actually happening is that people are seeing themselves represented and being able to relate, and in turn feeling validated. I don't know if you watch Supergirl, but a character recently came out who's close to me in age, and her realisation and the conversations she had about it were exactly how my own situation went, and that was the first time I truly realised what it meant to be represented in the media. When I watched that it filled me with warm fuzzy hope because here was someone going through the same thing as me and as a result there came stories from other people also in the same situation and suddenly I didn't feel alone. As for how to come out, it may help to list everything you feel your mum has said or might say that dismisses your feelings/identity and write a counter argument for each point. For example (and it's only an example, it might not be true for you at all) in terms of being affected by the media, explain that yes you've seen someone describe their relationship with their gender in a way the fits your own but have explored it further with your own research and in doing so grew to understand yourself better and know what you have to do going forward. I use this method when I have an anxiety attack, I list everything I'm having anxious thoughts about then go back and make counter points for each to convince myself I'm not right about them. It's about convincing myself the truth of a situation, and it might be able to work when you're trying to convince someone else to see something from your point of view. If you find that your mum is still not for listening, just try to keep doing the wee things that make you feel better and work towards a plan to be able to live your truth. I'm sorry this post is a bit long and rambles on, I'm awful at getting to the point! ---------- Post added 4th Dec 2016 at 12:27 AM ---------- I forgot to add, if you don't want this to interfere with your relationship with her, make sure you stress that. Remember though that for her this might be all new information, and most of the stories we read in the news of trans members of the community are rarely good news stories, so she may be worried for you or just needs to educated on it. When you do decide to have the conversation with your mum notify your friend before hand so you have a safe place to visit if it doesn't go as you planned. If she doesn't appear to take it well, don't take her first reaction as her only reaction, she may be shocked or need time to digest what you've said. Having said all that, I wish you all the best, good luck! (*hug*)
[The easiest way to come out to your mom is to get her alone and tell her how you feel. Explain how good it makes you feel doing it. Moms are more forgiving than dads and they will love you no matter how yu live your life.
This too early to know argument isn't for me really a valid one. Some people are unsure of their sexual orientation and gender identity and comes to term with it and figure it out later in life. But a lot of us know at an early age, I was 110% sure that I was gay when I was like 8 yrs old. This media thing is just stupid, the media does have influences on people in various ways for sure, but sexual orientation is something that is biological, this thinking that people become more gay by seeing stuff in the media is just as bizarre like telling someone who loves fantasy movies that watching to many of those will make the person into some superhuman with magical power.
Your mom doesn't sound very willing to bend. Some mom's might when its their kid that's LGBT+ but some won't.
