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My boyfriend wants an open relationship

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Choiseungwon, Nov 24, 2016.

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  1. Choiseungwon

    Choiseungwon
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    Hi, this is my first post and I made an account just to come on here.
    My boyfriend and I (gay) are in love. Well.. I am. He says he is and I believe it.. with some doubt. He goes to an IVy League school and is incredibly smart and very logical and rational about so much. He came to my city over the summer for an internship and that's how we met and fell in love. We are opposite about a lot of things but think of it as an adventure and have a lot of similarities as well. We try and fly to each other every month to be with each other for 7-10 days just to make things feel real again. And so far, we've been doing great.

    The problem.. before me.. he was NEVER into "monogamy". He's always hooked up with many different guys simply for fun. I however, HATE the idea of hook ups and just being with whoever for pure fun.. I lost my virginity to him and didn't find out until recently how many guys he's been with and that when he have sex "it means nothing romantically" to him when I feel so much love and passion. Recently we've had a struggle.. with me living out of state, it's been "hard" for him to try and not cheat on me. He told me using those exact words. It broke my heart... he CONSTANTLY checks out and talks about how cute other guys are when we're TOGETHER! It pisses me off and makes me so upset.. but every time I bring it up that I'm upset that he does that, he gives me excuses like "it's just human nature" "I can't think another guy is attractive?" Like... in my head, NO! I've commited myself to him.. almost moved 2,000 across the country to be with him and leave everything.
    He's always told me "sex doesn't mean to me what it means to you". Fine.. I understand that. But recently he's been saying he "wants to have sex with other people". I feel like I'm trapping him from something he wants so bad. He loves me.. and says having sex with someone else doesn't mean he doesn't love me. But to think that I'm going to sleep, knowing that my boyfriend is in bed with another guy? The idea itself just sickens me.

    I'm in love with him. I'm in love with everything we do, all of his flaws, his personality, our memories we've made... but everyday I'm crying. He's really tried to give up that part of his life and feelings for me to stay loyal but it's becoming too much for him now. He said he won't break up with me.. hes says I'm too good to break up with, which is also why he's trying to hard. But this is something I can't get over... I can't put my mind to rest about it and I'm miserable. We keep getting in fights but nothing working. No matter what I do, I can't control his mind and know he will still have these thoughts. I hang out with his friends.. AND JUST REALIZED HE HOOKED UP WITH MOST OF THEM. That's so hard for me... to be with MULTIPLE guys who he's hooked up with... it's so gross and sick to me.
    At this point... I feel like breaking up is what we have to do... but neither of us want that but neither of us can have the agreement for him sleeping with other guys.
    I'm in so much misery.. I don't know what to do. I feel like I've tried everything.
    Has anyone been in my situation that you can help me with? :frowning2: please and thank you..
     
    #1 Choiseungwon, Nov 24, 2016
  2. Garyroberts

    Garyroberts Guest

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    I think you've answered your own question - he likes to play the field so you've got a choice, either put up with it and do the same or leave him and find someone else.
     
    #2 Garyroberts, Nov 24, 2016
  3. robclem21

    robclem21
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    ^^ Basically that.

    Sometimes it is important to realize that love simply isn't enough to make a relationship work. We all romanticize it in our heads that "love can overcome anything", and while to a degree that is true, I think you both need to have a consistent idea of the big picture for long term relationships to function correctly.

    In the future when you live together would you be okay with him not coming home one night? When you're married, do you want to be with someone who wants to sleep with other guys? When you have kids, could you handle him being with other guys? It seems that if you are struggling with it so much, its not something you will adjust to and this seems like a big enough issue that you should seriously consider ending your relationship. I understand that you really love him, but crying every single day is not right, and is not good for your health.

    There are guys out there who will respect your wishes to be monogamous and as much as it would suck to leave him, you shouldn't feel trapped in a situation where you are unhappy. Maybe after time apart he will realize how important you are and change, but right now he is very unmotivated to change and even may never be different from how he is now. You shouldn't have to accept or put up with something that is such a big deal to you. You deserve to be happy in every aspect of the relationship too.
     
    #3 robclem21, Nov 24, 2016
  4. Justinian20

    Justinian20
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    Hey I am a supporter of open relationships, many reasons can be found for a guy who is into open relationships, I understand that you don't like your boyfriend sleeping with other boys.

    But I can tell you according to me, the main reason I would sleep with other guys is because of my fetishes and kinks. If my boyfriend is not into them that's fine, if he doesn't want to try them that's fine, but then that is when I communicate that I might try and find a guy who is into those fetishes all the while staying in a relationship with person number one. Now I love person number 1.

    You could ask him perhaps why he likes being in an open relationship, is it because each person is different and he doesn't like having sex with the same person over and over again, (unless the person is as experimental as I am in sex, I would never be bored.) Is he a sexually free person.

    If you are crying every day though it means you aren't into open relationships. You should try and find a guy who is more like you who is into monogamy. I'm just trying to give you some insights as to why he might be into open relationships.
     
    #4 Justinian20, Nov 24, 2016
  5. Barbatus

    Barbatus
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    I will just say that I understand what you mean - I couldn't be in a relationship where my boyfriend was sleeping with other people. That seems to be the situation you are in and you both have incompatible expectations of what your relationship can be. Whatever his reasons, it sounds like it would be unsustainable for you to be in an open relationship. It might be that whatever you feel about him it will just not work if he insists on being in an open relationship. Just my thoughts. Sorry things are so difficult for you.
     
    #5 Barbatus, Nov 26, 2016
  6. Caecilian65

    Caecilian65
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    I am in an open relationship at the moment. It is working out ok. We have an agreement on what would and wouldn't do with another and what was only between us. However, I think it seems like you would not be able to cope with one and I think you should end it. Unless you can find a compromise? Ie. he asks you and shows you a picture of who he is going to go with and why so it is completely in the open and you can discuss this. Sounds a bit complicated but me and my partner do that mostly. It is a bit complicated but it does seem to work ok. Just a suggestion. Good luck!
     
    #6 Caecilian65, Nov 26, 2016
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