Why is it easier to date men? :(

Hi friend!

I can relate to your struggles a bit, I think. I think at our age it's super easy to feel like we've missed some opportunity or failed to really grow up with everyone else. Though I'm sure you're aware of this, I'd point out that no one makes your life/relationship timeline but you; besides, you have quite a few years left to think about kids, especially if you're willing to consider adoption.

Re: the idea that it's easier dating men, I'm curious if you are envisioning yourself spending the rest of your life with a man or just getting over the initial hill in terms of dating and meeting people. If it's the former, then maybe it's worth exploring and questioning your sexuality a bit more! Frankly, though, you don't say much that makes it sound to me like you're all that interested in dating guys. It's mostly a gut feeling based on what you've written, but it seems like your frustrations have more to do with life situation than your sexuality.

Aside from being open and honest with yourself, maybe try setting mini-goals for dating. Like, "even if it doesn't work out, I'm going to ask one person on a date this month," or something similar. You can't make relationships happen, but you can put yourself out there and hope for the best.

I hope this has helped some! (*hug*)

 

I guess it comes down to:
Could you revisit a relationship with a man? I personally couldn't at least where I stand right now emotionally and that hasn't changed at all my whole life.

I think it really comes down to what you want in your life. If I was straight and found a great man...I wouldn't want to have kids at 25 years of age. That wouldn't fit into my other plans. It's nice in theory to have a being that loves you unconditionally and who relies on you for everything. But, would it even fit in your life goals. For me it's no. For you it may be something else.

Dating a person (male female or whatever other label there is) is not easy..you are dealing with a person who has their own perspective, own belief system, and own personality. It is never easy.

Plus if it was easy to date and marry a guy (start a family) there wouldn't be any single childless women saying.. "It's so hard to find a good guy." You could amount it all to the person just has the wrong perspective needed to have a lasting relationship or trying to deal with another person is just hard/work no matter what.

I think you might be dealing more with 'what if' which is a form of grief. So to me it could signal that you are not completely accepting/comfortable with what your sexuality is and there is still more work needed to feel comfortable with who you are.

 

Do you feel like everything or everybody is moving forward and you're not? What do you imagine yourself in the future? Many people desire to have hetero families. Few want to be just single parent. And some want to have children on a same-sex relationship. Sometimes we long for company, affection, sex or nearness with someone. That's natural. It could be frustrating sometimes. Don't despair. Don't settle for something your heart really doesn't desire. You're young. Channel your time and energy to something you want to achieve in life whether it's career or a want to climb the Rocky mountain. Does it make sense? At the same time, present yourself to others as available and eager for relationship, be it serious or let-us-see what's gonna happen. Be positive. Sometimes the perfect woman for you will just come along in an unexpected ways or time. Goodluck!

 

I'm assuming it's a rhetorical question. Because you pretty much give the answer, as do the above posters. You know it, but it's just hard to cut off any possibility by making a definite choice. Even though, alas, that's exactly what choices do: whittle down the possibilities.

I hope it helps to just say it all out loud, and get some validation. There are lots of women who want to settle down (with another woman) and have a family. It looks like you've been around EC for a while now, so you have probably noticed that "questioning" is pretty much the most common word ever posted! You've probably read the word "heteronormative" and understand that this could be behind your questioning. The dominant assumptions of our culture are like a heavy wet blanket... yuk!

And I agree with regard: get out and meet people. Easier said I know, but when you are alone, the questions breed in your mind, spawning more questions. Learn to meditate. (I.e. not "thinking about nothing" but rather "not thinking about anything".) Do some volunteer work -- LGBT or any other good cause. Hope you feel better!

---------- Post added 22nd Nov 2016 at 11:37 AM ----------

Oops... renard got autocorrected into regard.

 

Happy we could help. It's a process..I also understand where you are coming with...I'm in the same state in my life. Fell very underachieved, but most of someone's 20's is to develop their career and life the way they want. I think if you continue to try to achieve you goals and keep working hard you'll reach a level of success that is something to be proud of by the time you are in your early 30's at least that is what I am hoping it will be like with all this hard work.

 

I'm not sure if it helps, but I feel very similar..

I don't want a relationship with a man, because I don't like men that way, but I agree that it sometimes seems easier to date men. I always wanted to meet a significant other without really searching, I mean that you just happen to meet someone in your class, at the sport club, the library, etc. The chances of ever meeting another gay (or bi) girl that way are almost zero. I think in my whole life I have met two other lesbian/bi girls that was not at a special lgbt space or website. And I didn't click enough with them to be even friends.

So yes, in that way it's way more easier to date men.. I feel like if I was attracted to men, I would have had a few relationships by now (there have been boys into me which I really liked as friends), while now I have almost zero experience. And most of my straight female peers are talking about or already living together with their boyfriends or at least in a serious relationship. Stupid thing is that other girls can make me nervous, while with guys I can be really relaxed (probably because I'm not attracted to them... but going on dates with boys was kind of easy because I didn't feel nervous at all and just relaxed... until they tried to touch me..)

Combine that with the stress about finding a job, a place to live, earn enough money to pay the rent etc. and yes, it's easy to get a quarter life crisis. At the moment, I'm doing an internship and renting a crappy room in an old dirty house and wondering whether I will ever find a job in the sector that I like (culture/the arts) and earning enough money to be able to move.
When I was younger I always thought that when I was around 25 years old I would know where my life was going, I would have a steady boyfriend (which I always thought I would meet at university until I finally discovered I'm a lesbian), a nice place to live and a job at academic level.

Reality can sometimes feel like a bitter pill.. but it's your life, even if it's messy, and it's probably good that you don't have settled down with kids at this age but figuring out what you truly want and doing things at your own speed.