I wanted to share some reflections about my gender and my orientation that I've had recently, and I'm interested in any thoughts you all might have. About my gender: First off, I went to my local LGBT centre's trans meetup this weekend and I feel like it's given me some food for thought. I was really nervous in the beginning, even though I've gone (to support someone else) to these meetups before, I was nauseous in fact, heading there. Because in this case, I was going for me, and it felt like, just by showing up, I was saying something about myself. But I'm so glad I went, it felt like I'd done something important for for my growth by going. I'll try to give the highlights of those reflections: - I felt tension in getting ready to go there, between representing myself too femininely or too masculinely. This is something I think about lately in terms of feeling the need to express how I feel about myself inside and a feeling that I'm not quite sure how to do that. - It felt really good to me that (it seemed to me at least), that the people I talked to there saw me kind of as I am (gender questioning at the least, maybe gender queer, maybe a guy...) which felt really vulnerable but really good. - I felt like I belonged there, and like I was in the right place for me. - I didn't like using my name, which is so obviously feminine, and it made me feel some need to find/use a gender neutral name. Aside from the meetup I've been thinking in general... I'm trying to reflect on how I visualise myself, who I feel myself to be, without all the noise of the outside world. I haven't really had any striking thoughts in that sense so far. About my orientation: I've also been thinking about my orientation, which still feels a bit confusing/complicated to me in some ways. I do feel more strongly towards women, but there has been this question of well, i have some attraction to guys which feels unites from for me to understand. And I've at least narrowed it down to two things that maybe make my sexuality feel so nuanced, which I need to think about more: First, I'm wondering whether it's hard for me to fully pin down my orientation because my own gender feels unclear. Is my own gender confusion making me feel in some way like i need to examine a more nuanced view of my (hypothetical) partner's gender? If that sounds confusing, it's probably because I'm a bit confused! I'm also trying to work through another question about my understanding of the partners I've had and the partner I want in my future. I'm trying to figure out whether I'm mixing up my feelings of what I want in a partner with how I want my partner to see *me* (in terms of my gender). In other words, i think I need to understand how I want to be viewed by my partner, do I want to be seen as a guy? A woman? Someone who's in the middle? I think I need my guyish qualities to be recognised by my partner, whatever that means. And maybe that's why I find I can be attracted to gay and bi guys (yes, this is something I've been wondering about for a while, when it comes to guys, these are the specific guys I can see myself with), and I can see myself with gay and bi women... but I have trouble seeing myself with other partners. Sorry for rambling....as you can see, I've got a lot to sort through. Can anyone relate? Does anyone see where I'm coming from? ---------- Post added 21st Nov 2016 at 01:39 AM ---------- *which feels important for me to understand
not really rambling, there's just a lot there to process. future partners, who am I, how am I, etc. all questions we go through I think. my own thoughts on the subject would make the minitors labyrinth look like a kids corn maze. my advise is take it one bit at a time and the pieces will fall in place, they did/are for me. please sound it out here as much as you need. BTW, soo happy that you felt comfortable in the trans group. having real time support and advise from those who've been there, done that and are further down the road so to speak is so valuable. (*hug*)
Yes, I can definitely relate to this, and it's something that concerned me quite a bit, but I've decided the only way to find out is to try not to overthink things, and just see what happens when I meet a woman and take it from there (if that day ever comes!)
I can relate to this. I never got a gender pinned down except that I've got one, just not male or female. Okay so definite queer there. I left it at that AFAB queer. I have fun with my body and, love parts of it, the res, meh, whatever, doesn't matter to me. Never got it pinned down if I prefer males or females when I was younger, then I figured out my favorites for partners are those that blur the gender definitions. Some guys I'm attracted to and, some girls but, those that blur the lines are more attractive than those that present as more binary so, I chose pan for myself. We don't all fit into any one box, sometimes corners of all the boxes fit a little bit. That's fine, it works once you decide that's just who you are. Even for a lot of gay or lesbian people, there are those one or two people that would be an exception. A gay man that is attracted to one specific woman, the lesbian that is attracted to that one special man. Doesn't mean they are not gay or lesbian, just that that one person is an exception for them.
Thanks lookingforme Every time I write a thread lately I look at it and think - gah! brain garbage! I'm trying to take it one step at a time but finding it hard not to try to answer all my questions at once... The trans group is such a warm and supportive place, and it really does feel like a good place to be. I also have two close friends, they're actually my two best friends on the city, who are trans and I've been talking a lot with them. ---------- Post added 23rd Nov 2016 at 10:40 AM ---------- Overthinking is definitely a problem I have :eusa_doh: I think I'm starting to understand where the confusion is coming from though...I think writing it out will take a new thread though I'm starting tov get through the cobwebs on my head. ---------- Post added 23rd Nov 2016 at 10:44 AM ---------- I relate to *so much* of what you say here about yourself. I'm finding that I'm attracted to people who blur the gender lines. And I also feel like my gender is really hard to pin down. For me though, it causes me a lot of discomfort. Not all the time, but there are periods of time where it is palpable that I'm not fitting into the mysterious gender that I feel myself to be inside. ---------- Post added 23rd Nov 2016 at 10:45 AM ---------- DAfriend, how did you reach that feeling of "that's just who you are"?
My feelings aren't exactly the same, but I definitely relate to a lot of what you're saying. With my gender, I'm all over the place. I'm mostly fine with being AFAB, but I also have moments of wishing I had a "male" body, and I've felt that way since my early teens. I guess I'm extremely fluid – I feel both male and female, and neither male nor female. Some days I get dysphoria over being female-bodied, but other times I love being perceived as an attractive woman and feel uncomfortable about looking too masculine. I think what weirds me out most is that my sexuality is tied in to my gender. As a "woman", I'm attracted to women and non-binary people. I also have crushes on queer men, but I don't like the idea of being with a man who perceives me as female. And by the same token, I don't like the idea of me being a straight man. If I were to hypothetically transition, I would go from being (mostly) lesbian to (mostly) gay. My romantic fantasies include basically everything except a man-woman partnership. Does any of this make the slightest bit of sense? :help: I don't know whether it's helpful at all, but just wanted to let you know you're not the only one who finds it confusing. ---------- Post added 24th Nov 2016 at 02:35 AM ---------- Can't figure out how to edit my post, but I wanted to add that I also tend to be most attracted to people who blur the gender lines, plus I have trouble distinguishing between being attracted to someone and wanting to be them
I can very much relate to what your feeling. Most of my partners are people who are hard put to be placed in one box or another. Their just people. Who I'm attracted to.
So much of what's you're saying resonates with me. I feel like there's something about my own gender that plays a huge part in the gender of my partner. I too can't see myself (in my case anymore) being in a straight relationship. My feelings about my gender and my partner's gender seem to Verla quote a lot. ---------- Post added 27th Nov 2016 at 11:57 PM ---------- *seem to *overlap* quite a lot ---------- Post added 28th Nov 2016 at 12:13 AM ---------- This is a great way to put it, I'm finding that a lot of people I find attractive are hard to place on the gender scale. It seems that for me this goes along with my own blurred lines on the gender scale... I still feel gay is the right word for me though. I'm a gender blurred person who is attracted to people with a bit of blurred gender as well. ---------- Post added 28th Nov 2016 at 12:15 AM ---------- Thanks Katchoo!! (*hug*)
I definitely relate to what you're saying about the interaction between your sexuality and gender identity. The main problem I have about the idea of a relationship with a man is my being the female part of that heterosexual dynamic. The nice way men act with me and treat me is sort of the role I want to take with my partner and being on the receiving end is just awkward to me. It seems like an odd thing for me to hold against men when I have always found men attractive and all, but somehow the dynamic I can have with a girl makes me feel a lot more whole and centred in my masculinity and happy. And to take up cakepiecookie's point, my earliest sexual fantasies where about encounters with men as a gay man, my current fantasies are more about me as myself with other women, and I have watched plenty of both types of gay porn, but never straight porn. I feel a possibility that id be more comfortable with dating men as a man, since I could take a more masculine role also, though I do think I would still enjoy dating women as a man. However, saying all these things, I still identify as a cis woman and I see my personality as sort of free and androgynous rather than "butch" or anything persay. I just feel a lot more comfortable with masculine things and... It's all hard to explain but its just how I work. I sometimes think I am somewhat genderqueer but it's not something I identify as.
I too have been feeling like gender isn't a huge deciding factor for me when looking for a partner. I've felt like this even before I came to the realization of my own gender identity. Though I think knowing that I am in fact trans myself, has really pushed that over the edge. I'm going to be a woman with a penis for a while, maybe even the rest of my life(I'm not thrilled with my genitals, but I'm still back and forth on whether I want surgery or not), and I don't believe that makes me any less of a woman. Genitals don't define us, they're just parts. There's other feminine features I want more, and feel like I won't be complete without. Like boobs, hair, lack of hair in certain places, facial features, lower muscle mass, soft skin, basically what HRT brings us. Basically, I don't care what's in your pants, if you don't care what's in mine, and we like each other.
