Told my wife I'm bi

Disagree that the logical thing to do is split up. There is more hope for your "ideally" situation than you might think. If you think you really want to fall in love with another man forever, yes that threatens your marriage. If you think your life will be incomplete without some male sexual experience, that's quite another thing.

Look on a certain public classified ads website and you will see there are plenty of (one hopes) normal guys and couples out there who want to just remain normal, no lies, no hiding, but experience something beyond straight sex. It's not the end of the world.

 

You basically have 3 options

1. Stay married and suppress your attraction to guys (not recommended if you are Kinsey 4-6).
2. Stay married and open the marriage so you can explore.
3. Divorce

I agree that it's best to get clarity on your sexuality before having children (and deciding what to do about your marriage) though joint parenting does work should you have a child and subsequently divorce.

Regarding your orientation - you mention that most people say you are gay and in denial. Can you say more? Are these people you know in real life? Are you familiar with the Kinsey scale? If so, where do you fall? If not you can google it. FWIW, I thought I was straight because I had a fulfilling relationship with a woman. Then I kissed a guy I cared about and discovered what I was missing. Technically I'm a Kinsey 5 though I identify as gay IRL.

It's quite normal not to have romantic attractions to guys when you are first discovering your sexuality. As you become more comfortable, you will begin to have romantic attractions to guys.

This is offensive and reflects your own internalized homophobia and ignorance of the LGBT community. There are many quality gay guys (myself included) who want to be in a loving relationship with another man. Yes there is a strong hookup culture as well but you don't have to participate if that's not your thing.

 

Hi Questions Abound!

You are certainly not alone in your situation. Plenty of us have been through, or are going through, similar things.

Beenthr has a point. No need to knee-jerk and split from your wife. Take your time to work out what you and your wife actually want or need. If you dont need love or sex from a man, maybe you just need to join some gay/bi social or support groups and make some friends you can be yourself around.

Telling yourself you are gay and in denial may be unhelpful unless you are sure this is the case. I struggled with that for years, trying to work out if I was gay or straight, while I told my wife I was bi. Basically, this did my head in and set me back years - as I've since realised I actually AM bi, and there's nothing wrong with that. My preferences change from time to time and different things attract me to men vs women and there's nothing wrong with that either.

Make no rash decisions. Seek support and friendship from people in the LGBTIQ community, which you have already begun by coming on here. This is the start of a really great journey!

 

I understand and appreciate that you are trying to share your state of mind. I've had my share of unintentional bloopers, so no harm done. Please keep in mind that there are guys out there who are coming from a background similar to yours who want to meet a wonderful man for a loving relationship. We are not nasty. We are comfortable with our sexuality because we've accepted and love ourselves as gay men. You may be gay or you may be bisexual - hopefully you'll discover a similar love for yourself through your continued posting on EC.

(&&&)

 

Here's my advice from having been married with a kid, trying out the gay life, and now being single for many years:

Were I you I would not struggle to label yourself as bi or gay or whatever at this point. It sound from your comments that you are strongly attracted to women and that your attention to men is fairly weak. I think a lot of men regardless of their orientation outside of the locker room are interested in checking out other guys, and even if they feel some arousal from it they never act on it and it goes away.

Because you are taking meds and seeing a therapist, and based on your description of how your interest in guys was something of a surprise after panic attacks and problems with anxiety, I wonder if the anxiety and panic are not the real issues and in trying to understand why you are having these struggles you are casting about for reasons and have come upon the idea that it's because you must be bi.

I think you should be faithful to your wife, continue with your therapy, and wait for more clarity to come with time and exploration with your therapist.

And do not have a kid until you are more clear about what is going on. If you do decide to split up having a kid will make it so much more complicated and expensive.

I hope that is helpful.

 

Your ideal situation, as a bisexual husband staying with your wife and kid and living happily ever after is possible. It depends a lot on your true orientation, but it is possible.

I am pretty much in that situation. I am bisexual. I am married, monogamous, and happy. My wife knew I was bi for the first 14 years of our marriage, it was something we kept between us. Monogamy was the most important thing to her, as in, she knew I found some guys and some girls attractive, but as long as I was only with her, it was not much different than a straight guy seeing attractive girls but remaining faithful to his wife. In my case, this actually works well because my true orientation is Kinsey 3 bisexual, which means I am attracted to women and men fairly equally. If, like Sienna Fire says, I was instead a Kinsey 4 or 5 and had a much stronger attraction to men, it would be a lot bigger challenge. So I'd encourage you to take some time and get as good a grip on your true orientation as possible. Do you still find girls hot? That's actually a pretty important thing to answer yourself honestly about.

As far as "repressing," that is going to vary by the person. I've always been monogamous, even when I was single, I only ever wanted one person at a time. However, some people are naturally polyamorous, and that is okay, I respect that. That is what is best for a lot of people. One is more than enough for me personally. So I like both men and women, but I found my wife, fell in love, and am happy with her. I'm still bisexual in my orientation, but happy with a woman. Could have been a man if things had gone differently, but it's a woman.

My wife and I do sometimes engage in some bedroom play that helps me express some same-sex urges. We've done pegging (we love it, it's a blast), and we sometimes watch same-sex porn together. It works for us.

For a long time, I was pretty happy with all that. But... I still felt a little trapped in the closet. And the closet got more suffocating over time. Last year, I decided I wanted to embrace my bisexuality and come out publicly and make that part of me that others see, and do some volunteer work and try to be more a part of the LGBT community. So this year, I've been coming out. I have to tell you, it's been an unforgettable life event. I am so much happier now that I'm an out bi man. God damn, it was challenging, though! Well, more like challenging, exhilarating, terrifying, liberating, stressful, etc. You get the idea.

Sorry about the long post.

TL/DR: I am bi and married to a woman, and happy, and out, and I'm happy, and it works for us, and even my kids are cool with it.

Take your time. Are you gay or bi? Get as good a handle on that first. If you're bi, you might already have your ideal partner right now. (*hug*)

 

I agree with the others. Please slow down and don't make any rash decisions. Especially because it sounds like you're not so sure yourself yet on how you feel about men. I came out as bisexual to my wife two years ago. And much like yourself, I wasn't 100% sure at the time. I had barely admitted it to myself around the same time. But it was easier to explain my same sex attractions to my wife by telling her I'm bi. Turns out, that label fits me perfectly. I'm comfortable with it. But that took some time. Take your time, talk to your therapist (and your wife when you want) and figure it out. You do have time. It might turn out that you love your wife the way a straight man would but that you also like men. Keep reading here on EC and see if that helps. It does for me. I am very attracted to men. But I'm also very attracted to my wife. And I'm only with her. Never been with men. And so far, we've made it work.

 

I've been in the same position, and the rational thing to do is not split up, assuming you really do love her and are still attracted to her. You need to really take some time and think it over, for a while. Having a very supportive person behind you is key to making it through this.

 

I'd stop smoking weed for a start

 

Hi,

This took me long to type, I just did'nt know what to say. I can somehow relate to you. I'm married and in the closet. I love my man, but this feelings towards women has always been there. Like wanting a sexual and romantic relationship. This is probably the reason why I joined EC, bcs it has recently become intensified, but not to the point where I need therapy. I just notice it to be stronger when me and my man have misunderstandigs,or when things are not so good in the bedroom( you know).
I have thought about cheating, I shared this to a friend, bcs the thought of telling my man freaks me out. But then I came accross so many posts in EC that shed some light. I was surprised to see many people go through the same situation and even worse.

One person said, and my friend also told me this, that everyone could have a point in their lives, no matter if they're straight or lgbtq, especially those in monogamous relationships, that people seek something they don't find in their partners. Unhappiness, unsatisfaction, curiousiry, whatever the reasons are. I admire that you came out to your wife. Communicating our desires is not easy, and coming out is a hundred if not thousand times harder.
If you want to be with your wife, then do your best to assure her, you might never find another her again. Discuss your options with her, go to therapy together. Make sure this therapist is good, that you both are comfortable with.

This might be a little cheesy, and might be my hormones speaking but we don't always stumble on a great love, so always assure her, she's a woman afterall, the fact that she's still with you and didn't freak out, means she's something.

Hang in there, you're not alone buddy. Wish you the best.

Oh btw, your weed sucks! I love weed, but hey the effects are individual, if it's not for you, then avoid it. I also had an anxiety attack that I thought I could've died, that's cz I mixed it with booze and smoked too much.

 

I would say just try and relax as much as possible and take your time to figure out what you want. It doesn't read like you have to split up with your wife at all and from personal experience don't rush into any decisions until your are prepared for the repercussions, it really easy to rush into things too soon, you've got a lifetime to sort all this out.

 

I came out to my wife of 20 years (15 years ago) after a couple years of therapy trying to come to grips with my attraction to men. She was very supportive, but worried what that meant and what I would need to do to resolve the potential conflict in our relationship. Our two sons were already late teenagers so it didn't impact any decision to have any more kids or not. I knew I was at least bisexual but had never been sexual with a man before. All I did know was that I, too, felt backed up against a wall and felt that I needed to experience sex with a man in order to see how my body would handle it. My mind was a mess but I knew my body needed to make up its own "mind" and I needed to trust whatever it discovered.

So here's what I did to explore the physicality of it safely and without harm or undue threat to our relationship: After consulting with my wife, I sought out a local "Sacred Intimate." These are men, highly conscious sexual surrogates, who have been trained by a division of The Body Electric School, now headquartered in Atlanta, GA. You can google it if you want. The gentleman I found was highly trained in erotic massage and enabled me to experience my first joyful sexual experience with a man without the fear and guilt of engaging in anonymous sex or a local hook-up. It was probably the safest sexual encounter I could find and I am always thankful for the experience because I learned an awful lot about my body and its natural sexual energy on that day.

There's been a lot of water under the bridge since that experience but I had to start somewhere and with my wife's agreement, it proved to be the right thing to do.

All my best,
Pat