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Bi, pan or poly?

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by AnAtypicalGuy, Nov 19, 2016.

  1. AnAtypicalGuy

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    I identify as bisexual but a part of me has always thought that I might be pansexual. Now this part of me is becoming more prevalent, especially once I began learning more about the various trans and non-binary genders. How can you you figure out if you are pan and not bi/bi and not pan? I'm also considering polysexuality as a possibility.
     
  2. SystemGlitch

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    The definitions are so close that it pretty much comes down to personal preference. If you want a label that more people will understand at first mention, bisexual is your best bet (if your everyday person asks, I generally just say "anyone", but they usually follow up with "so you're bi?" and for ease I say yes). Pansexual by definition includes trans people as possibilities for attraction, but bisexual doesn't necessarily mean that the person cannot feel attraction to NB trans people, or that they wouldn't date a binary trans person - some bisexual people do and just prefer to call themselves bisexual/don't know about the pansexual label.

    From what I've seen, for most people the difference boils down to pan people not really paying attention to their partner's gender while bi people are more likely to have a gender preference or pay more attention to gender overall. So for example, a pan person may prefer people who look or act masculine, but actually being male isn't a part of that - for a bi person, it might be specifically men (possibly including trans men) that they have a preference for, or they might have specific feelings towards specific genders at different times (sometimes desire women more, sometimes feel like they would like to be with a man more, etc). This is just how most people seem to interpret the labels, some may define it differently and that's okay. I have incredibly little experience with the polysexual label, so can't really bring any knowledge or insight on that.

    For me, defining myself as bisexual just doesn't quite feel right because I internally define it as being attracted to men and women (others define it as being attracted to two or more genders), whereas calling myself pansexual does feel right because I find most anyone attractive. I have no extreme issue with defining myself as bisexual if I need to or if we're talking about 'scientifically supported' orientations. I don't think I'd have much of a problem calling myself polysexual either. The definitions just overlap very strongly and many of the differences are splitting hairs. So at the end of the day, use what feels right and what makes you comfortable, whether that be defining yourself as trans-including bisexual or pansexual or polysexual. How you internally define different orientations plays a big part in what label you should use.
     
    #2 SystemGlitch, Nov 19, 2016
    Last edited: Nov 19, 2016
  3. darkcomesoon

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    The definitions overlap, so it's up to you. Bisexual means attracted to two or more genders, and pansexual means attracted to all genders. Personally, I'm attracted to men, women, and nonbinary people and choose to call myself bisexual (for a number of reasons including: 1) fighting the idea that pansexual is the "more inclusive" orientation. Bi people can be attracted to nonbinary people too. 2) pansexual puts the focus of your sexuality on the inclusion of nonbinary/trans people, and as a trans person my whole life is already so focused on nonbinary/trans people. It's nice to have my sexuality not be directly and constantly related to trans politics. 3) it's the label I chose in 8th grade, and it's a label I'm comfortable with).

    Also, let's be clear about the fact that even if you defined bisexual as attraction to men and women (which is not the definition), bi people are still attracted to trans people. Pansexual is not the "trans inclusive" version of bisexual, nor is a "trans inclusive bisexual" any different than a regular bisexual. You might choose to clearly state that you are a bi person who is attracted to nonbinary people (some bi people are not), but stating that you're attracted to trans people really doesn't distinguish you from other bi people.
    (Also, I'd argue that everyone is attracted to trans people because "trans" isn't a word that can in any way definitively tell you someone about a person's appearance, genitals, etc., but that's a whole different conversation)
     
  4. SystemGlitch

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    Please do not put words in my mouth... I did not mean it to say that trans people are not men/women and therefore not attractive for people only attracted to men/women. Nor did I say that it's the "trans inclusive" version of bisexual. I meant it in the sense that there are many bi people who do not date trans people, for whatever reason. Just like there are many gay/straight people who do not date trans people. What I meant is that by definition pansexual includes NON-BINARY trans people, whereas bisexuality doesn't necessarily. Pansexual people, on account of being attracted to anyone regardless of gender, are also just more likely to be okay with dating a binary trans person because it seems unlikely they would be attracted to non-binary trans people and not binary trans people. I didn't mean to imply that there is a difference between bi people who date trans people and bi people who don't beyond the fact that some people just don't date trans people (including binary) because of being bigoted or uncomfortable or whatever other reasons they have. Doesn't actually change their sexuality. And I didn't mean that he should actually state to people "I'm bisexual including trans people!", I just meant that he doesn't need to cut out being bisexual just because he's attracted to trans people (whether that's binary or non-binary).

    I actually had my boyfriend tell me that he should call himself a panromatic homosexual because he's dating me. Not because he's attracted to other genders, but because he is dating me, a trans man. It hurt a lot, and when I tried to explain to him that I am a man so it doesn't change anything he said "but you're a trans man, so is it really still homoromantic?" and we ended up in a big fight. So I am not about to tell people they should call themselves pansexual just because they like binary trans people. It's the opposite of inclusionary at that point.

    Also, the most commonly used definition as I've grown up has always been "attracted to men and women". That was ingrained into me as I grew up and even though I have tried to switch my definition of it I can't and it still feels uncomfortable for me to use - I always link it back to that. People can define it either way, what matters is what it means to the person who uses it.
     
    #4 SystemGlitch, Nov 19, 2016
    Last edited: Nov 19, 2016
  5. AnAtypicalGuy

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    Thanks for your responses. Though I've been fine with the bisexual label for years, I've always had the impression that bisexuality involved two genders, namely men and women, and as I've become aware of my attraction towards other genders (i.e. non binary genders; I regard FTMs and MTFs like I regard cis people) I'm beginning to lean towards the pansexual label.

    The one thing stopping me is that I know some definitions of bisexuality also include non-binary genders, as you mentioned. That, as well as the fact that I don't want to have to come out all over again... Geez, this is confusing. I know people often talk about how labels shouldn't matter, but as a trans guy who has struggled with all kinds of labels for however long, I suppose I've developed the need to be completely comfortable in what I call myself.
     
  6. Alein

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    i would say don't even identify yourself with your sexuality, whatever you get attracted at is what you get attracted at.
    that helped me to minimize confusion at least :grin:
     
  7. DAFriend

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    Yeah, hard question but, as a friend once asked me when I was questioning myself.

    Imagine you met a man in a business suite and tie but, he had an androgynous hair style, platinum blond hair and, was wearing very feminine makeup and, feminine perfume. Assume you found him attractive. The next day, he is in full drag as a woman but, wearing men's cologne. Still attractive? Day 3, he looks like a truck driver, 100% male but is wearing a feminine necklace and earrings? Still attractive? You finally hook up and discover he is in fact a true hermaphrodite (has both male and female hardware.) Are you still ready to get it on?

    If you're still answering yes, you are probably pan.

    Yeah that's an imaginative way to go about making you think, but it works.
     
  8. Cinis

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    I don't think that you'll have to come out all over again. Most pan people answer with bi when asked about their sexuality for simplicity's sake ( unless they know that the one asking is familiar with the term pansexual ). People also don't question it if a "bi" person is dating someone gendernonconforming or non binary to be honest. So there's really no need to come out all over again unless you want to have a really awkward talk about sexuality that doesn't really need to be had.
     
  9. AnAtypicalGuy

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    Well I tend to focus largely n the personality of the person, as well as their physical appearance. For example, I might look at a person and feel attracted to them, but if I learn that they are a bit of an a-hole then I am turned off immediately, all the way. However if I knew that the man you described were nice, then I suppose I'd be attracted to him no matter what he looked like. That is, provided it's something that I personally find attractive due to taste, and this isn't really limited by gender.

    Thanks by the way, this was incredibly helpful.

    That's true, I don't know why that didn't occur to me before. I generally don't tell people about my sexuality unless it's relevant, so perhaps I might just start calling myself pan instead of bi when it's not inconvenient to call myself pan (I'm beginning to grow in certainty as you can see). If anyone asks about me previously saying I was bi, I might just shrug it off and say that I was actually pan. I'll see what happens.
     
  10. PanPrideLgbt

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    I struggled with this very early on. When I learned more about different genders, I kept thinking I was pan. After about a year of reflection, I began to see myself as a bisexual. Now that I reflected some more, I have realized that I am bisexual. Reflection is a huge part of this. Remember that only you know the answer.