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in a pickle

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by WVsunrise, Nov 18, 2016.

  1. WVsunrise

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    I, at 34 years old, have recently admitted to myself that I'm gay. the problem with this is I'm happily married to a great woman that I genuinely love. I'm really not willing to ruin my marriage but at the same time it felt great admitting to myself that I'm gay. It gave me a sense of happiness and empowerment I've been searching for for years. Like something clicked into place that help explain all of the emptier parts of me. I feel less defined by gender role expectations now, so no more worrying about the male stereotypes I didn't quite fit in to. I have a deep disdain toward hunting for sport (trophies).
    At Present I'm not planning on telling my wife. Not anytime soon anyway. Seems like the kinda thing you ease into to preserve feeling and maintain good (positive) emotional states. The world as a whole won't particularly care that I'm gay, but i have reason to believe that she won't take it so well especially if I surprise her with information.
    When I started this post i thought was asking for help and/or advice and I am. I'm open to it from all more experienced than me. Mostly, I think what really want right now is community, friends, mentors, other gay people to help me sort things out. Also, I'm not exactly sure if 34 constitutes "later in life". If not sorry. I'm new, not sure of the etiquette just yet.​
     
  2. SiennaFire

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    Hi WVsunrise

    Welcome to EC :welcome: Hopefully you'll find it to be a welcoming and supportive community on your journey towards authenticity.

    Congratulations on coming out to yourself :eusa_clap that's an important and scary milestone.

    Your decision to tell or not tell your wife deserves careful consideration, so you are wise not to rush into it. An important question to ask yourself is what do you want? Staying in a mixed-orientation marriage will present some challenges over time as you begin to get more comfortable with your sexuality. Certainly you'll get to a point where you may want to start to explore your sexuality and will need to consider what is the best way to do so, especially if you remain married.

    Best,
    SF

    PS - 34 definitely constitutes "later in life."
     
  3. Chrissouth53

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    Are you gay or bi? The reason I ask is whether or not you have a sexual attraction to your wife. If you do then that's fine.

    But if you don't, don't you think your wife will start to notice? And, of course, she'll either assume it's her or your having an affair.

    Think about this for a while. Assuming your wife is as young as you, if you are gay and have no sexual attraction to her would you want her to be able to continue her life with a heterosexual guy rather that a gay guy?

    I guess before answering all this, can you explain how your relationship is with your wife?
     
  4. I'm gay

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    Hi WVsunrise,

    Welcome to EC, and congrats on figuring this out for yourself.

    I definitely echo SF's caution to you about staying in your marriage. I came out to myself 2 years ago. I, too, thought that I didn't want to wreck my marriage (I also have 2 kids) and so I tried to soldier on in my marriage and stay closeted. I only made it two years, however, before I was totally depressed and filled with anxiety.

    "Forever" is so much longer than you realize. I've been married for 20 years.

    You need to consider how much longer you think you can do this. The longer you wait to tell your wife, the harder it will be for her. What happens if you decide in 10 years that you just can't take it any longer and decide to come out? It will be so much harder on both you and your wife (and kids?) if you wait another 10 years.

    These are things you need to carefully consider. I was in your shoes years ago. If you want to talk further with me, please feel free to Friend me and post on my wall.

    Take care. :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:ride:
     
  5. WVsunrise

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    I'm attracted to my wife because of her personality and intellect. It's never really been because she's female. I realize that just now as I type it. Our relationship is good. We butt heads as often and as reasonably as we're suppose to. We have two kids, a 15 month old daughter and another 7 year old girl she has from another marriage.
     
  6. DAFriend

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    It sounds like you have a good marriage. I don't blame you for not wanting to loose that.

    It isn't impossible to make a mixed orientation relationship work. You might want to read through some of the psychology articles on gay me loving women,and women loving gay me. Some of it won't 100% apply to you, being married, but it is good information and a lot of it will apply to you and your wife.

    I think it would give you a better understanding of the dynamics of what your marriage is, a gay man and a woman in love. Nothing wrong with that, doesn't mean you are less gay or anything, it is interesting and, can be a very good relationship for both of you.
     
  7. I'm gay

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    I'm afraid I know all about loving my wife for her personality. She's my best friend, and has been from the very beginning. We are compatible in every way, with common taste in TV, music, books, movies. My wife and I have never really had a fight. Not a serious one. Minor squabbles here and then, but we have never even shouted at each other. Not even after I came out to her. Why? Because there's no real passion there. We are great parents together, we plan well together. I just don't love her in a sexual way. We're great roommates with kids.

    How is your sex life with her now? How is it now compared to when you first got married?

    Don't you think your wife deserves to have a husband who has sexual passion for her? You are the one who is making the decision that this is ok for the both of you. That decision may be harder for you to deal with later on.

    I'm not telling you that you have to come out of the closet. I can only tell you from my perspective and personal experience that once you come out to yourself and finally acknowledge that you are gay, it often becomes so much more difficult to be in the closet. After I came out to myself, that's when my interactions with people began to feel fake. That's when I began feeling like I was living a lie. That's when my depression started.

    Unfortunately, my experiences are all too common here.
     
  8. Quantumreality

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    Hey WVsunrise,

    Not to steal any of Imgay47's thunder, but you might want to check out his Blog posts. He has been very open here on EC about his journey and has a lot of insights to offer.

    http://emptyclosets.com/forum/blogs/imgay47/
     
  9. Romancer

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  10. WVsunrise

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    I have to say, this place is great. The advice is outstanding. The thing with advice is the stuff hardest to listen to are probably the things you need to be doing. Imgay47, I appreciate you expressing the gravity of the situation. I admit, me not wanting to come out to wife is a selfish thing, but I'm not ready. I'm ready to be an open gay man; I'm not ready to disappoint one of the people I hold most dear on the planet. I promise I'm working on it.

    Side Bar: more correctly a tangent

    I have to admit that gay culture scares me a little. I'm a chubster, what gay culture calls a bear according to my research. I fit into a subclass of homosexual human. That worries me. I fought with myself to admit to being gay, now I have to come to terms with being a specific type of gay? I gotta say just being gay feels like enough. Someone explain to me how sexual objectification stereotypes exist in a minority that's been persecuted since the beginning of recorded history, please? Humans, man we just love to hate stuff!?
     
  11. SiennaFire

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    It's OK to hijack your own thread :slight_smile:

    Personally I don't identify with a particular gay subculture, and there is no requirement to do so. The trick is to figure out what kind of guys you are into and where to find them. If it turns out that you are into bears, then maybe it makes sense for you to embrace the bear culture, although you can simply identify as a gay man.

    Gay culture and how it contrasts with the heteronormative is initially a bit of a shock for most married guys. Hooking up and easy sex is a large part of the culture, but you can also find guys who are looking for a relationship. My advice is to understand the culture and accept it for what it is. You get to choose where you fit into the culture, so if hookups or the bear scene are not your thing then you don't have to embrace those parts of the community unless they resonate with you.

    There is a difference between being a chubster and a bear and the brutal reality is that gay guys in general take better care of their bodies than their straight counterparts and look for the same in a partner. So if you have pounds to lose, you need to accept that many guys won't be into you because of your weight. Wishing the culture to be different isn't the best approach here. You need to either get into better shape or find guys who are attracted to larger guys. Personally I'd advocate a mix of both.

    Gay culture is heavily influenced by the shame of being gay. Most gay men grew up in a culture where they learned that being gay was wrong or evil and developed shame and internalized homophobia as a result. Many guys deal with the shame by developing perfect bodies, having great careers, showcasing wonderful homes, and having generally fabulous lifestyles as a way to compensate for the shame of being gay. Of course not all guys are models so many guys seek others like them, which is why there is a diverse group of gay subcultures, such as chubs, bears, leather, etc. This is the genesis of the sexual objectification stereotypes because each gay man is looking for validation by creating a superficial image rather than looking for a genuine connection with another man. Having sex with an attractive stranger is validation of one's own worth and more importantly avoids emotional intimacy which might cause one to access his shame. Thus gay culture in general focuses on sexual objectification as a way of hiding and counteracting the shameful feelings. The Velvet Rage by Alan Downs gives this topic a complete treatment.
     
    #11 SiennaFire, Nov 20, 2016
    Last edited: Nov 20, 2016
  12. DAFriend

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    Yes, it is a bit of a culture shock initially but, the sub groups we use are more for identifying what we like in a partner, or more often a hook up. Without pictures, rather than a long description, it's more expedient to say something like "I'm a bear who prefers twinks." or "I'm a wolf who prefers bears."

    It isn't to discriminate or push anyone out of our circles, just an easy way to say what we look like in general and, what we like physically.

    Try being pan and not having a type you prefer or being genderqueer and, not fitting any one type. LOL. I wish I could honestly say "I'm this and I like that." but I can't.

    By the way, I know lots of guys that like bears, all sorts form twinks to wolves and foxes, to other bears.
     
  13. Nickw

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    WVSunrise

    Welcome to EC. I think you will find a lot of support as you work through coming out to your wife and beginning to live, authentically, with your sexuality.

    I hope that your fears of not being accepted by the gay community is not a reason for remaining in the closet. In my, limited, experience, I did not find that the gay community was anything but accepting. I think there is a tendency to label members but I haven't seen that this matters that much beyond the hookup scene. And, there it seems to be only an initial filtering method. You will probably find you grow tired of that pretty quickly anyway and will start to look at real friendships and relationships.

    As a note. You mentioned your weight being an issue and I will offer this for what it is worth. You may find as you are able to express your sexuality and your true self that you begin to shed some of the emotional baggage from being in the closet. This could also take the form of starting to get in touch with your physical self also and you may find an energy you did not have before. Along with that an increase in physical activity and getting in better physical condition.

    Best of luck in continuing to move forward.