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Friends with benefits

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Jacob D, Nov 17, 2016.

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  1. Chip

    Chip
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    First, Jacob... I really admire your openness and willing to confront what must be a difficult and complicated set of feelings. To be confident in yourself and then to run up against something that can't help but make you question has got to be disconcerting at the very least.

    To directly answer your question: It's entirely possible to, at 25 (or 45 or 65) suddenly figure out you're gay, or at least attracted to guys, having no prior awareness of it. While there are plenty of people who have always known, from the time they were 2 or 3 years old... there are also others who have no awareness until something happens.

    But I don't think that's the main issue here.

    The research shows that there are people who can be attracted almost entirely to one sex... and then find one or two people that they feel an incredible connection to, who happen to be the other sex. This works both for gay guys who find the one woman they connect with, and for straight guys who find the one guy they connect with (same with women.)

    It is also possible to have only relationships with women... and then, at some point, find a guy who you completely connect with, that, in turn, awakens in you a deep and previously unknown attraction to guys. In some cases, as this progresses, the attraction to women starts to fade, while in others, it's simply an emerging level of bisexuality.

    What is important here is... you feel a connection to Brandon. The label isn't really important (though I do get the desire to know and understand.) It is entirely possible that you aren't allowing yourself to feel the deep level of sexual, sensual, romantic attraction because, at a conscious level, you're firmly attached to the "straight" label. Anyone in that situation would likely have pretty strong resistance; for most of us, our identity of who we are is very deeply wrapped up in our sexual identity, so changing one means, to some extent, reinventing who we are, to ourselves.

    Porn generally isn't a good indicator of sexual orientation. One of the things that usually does give pretty reliable answers is masturbation fantasies without porn. When you are masturbating without porn... are a lot of your fantasies about what you and Brandon have done? Or about women you've been with? Or other things? Those answers can usually provide some clarity.

    I want to be clear... I'm not saying you are gay or even bi, I'm more presenting some things that might help you get a clearer picture for yourself.

    Also, keep in mind that if you do discover that you are, in fact, somewhere other than at the far straight end of the orientation spectrum, there will likely be some cognitive dissonance and processing that goes on before you come to acceptance of that; it generally isn't something that happens instantly. So the stages of processing that "loss" of perception as straight are part of the process: denial-anger-bargaining-grief-acceptance. In the case that JonSomebody is describing, I'd be near certain that his friend is, in fact, gay, but isn't ready to accept it... which is a very common occurrence, and is someone who's stuck in the denial phase.

    I don't see that in your case, because you're willing to think about it... which makes it all the more complicated to figure out. But ultimately, I think if I were in your shoes, I'd probably simply go with it, let go of my preconceived notions about who I am, and do my best to fully immerse myself into this experience and see where it leads.
     
    #21 Chip, Jan 17, 2017
  2. Jacob D

    Jacob D
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    Hi Chip and thank you for your reply. You're right about there being a connection with Brandon. I certainly do feel a connection with him that I never experienced before with any male friend. It's a connection I do not understand. Over the last few weeks I've spent a lot of time thinking about everything and its caused me to question my sexuality. You mentioned in your post that it is possible that I'm not allowing myself to feel the deep level of sexual, sensual, romantic attraction because, at a conscious level, I'm attached to the "straight" label. If you're right about this, how do I over come this to find out? As for my masturbation fantasies, when I'm masturbating without porn, almost all of my fantasies are about my ex- girlfriend. Very rarely is it over any other woman. Sometimes I'll think of Katey Perry but most of the time it's fantasies of my ex. But none of these fantasies are helping me to figure things out because for the past two months I've been having sexual relations with Brandon who is a gay guy and not a straight female. It's becoming difficult to figure out if I am gay or if I am bi or if I'm straight. You mentioned that if you were in my shoes that you'd probably simply go with it, let go of your preconceived notions about who you are and do your best to fully immerse yourself into this experience and see where it leads. How do I do this? Can you tell me how?
     
    #22 Jacob D, Jan 17, 2017
  3. JonSomebody

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    Yes he did actually. I just found out last December that he did get married but divorced last year and moved away with his male partner. The fact of the matter is that when he would come over to visit me and we would have sex or he would spend the night. He would always start to get frustrated about the possibility of being a gay man. He also would ask the questions that you are asking now. This is why I shared my story about him because I read your questions which immediately took my memory bank back to him. I also told him that this was something that he had to figure out for himself and all the time we had sex was initiated by him...never me because I did not want to be subjected to putting forth blame on. With that being said my friend...This is unfortunately something that you will have to figure out on your own and by doing so...this would make your decision more profound in my opinion. Take care...JS :smilewave:thumbsup:
     
    #23 JonSomebody, Jan 17, 2017
  4. Jacob D

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    Hi Jon. That's great to hear that your friend figured it out. Thanks for letting me know.
     
    #24 Jacob D, Jan 17, 2017
  5. Chip

    Chip
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    Well... easier said than done :slight_smile: What you can do is do your best, consciously, and for the moment, toss aside the idea that you're straight. (That might sound incredibly scary.)

    What I mean by that is... just say to yourself (and do your best to believe, in that moment), "OK, I'm gay. And I have an awesome guy that really likes me, and that I have awesome sexual experiences with." Try and put any other preconceived notions out of your mind for a bit. Walk around and see the world as though you're gay, you've totally accepted it, and you're totally fine with it and comfortable with who you are. Give it a few days and see how it feels. Usually, if you truly can simply live in the moment with that belief for a couple days, it will either click with you... or it won't. And if it doesn't... then likely you fall into the category of people who are mostly straight but have just occasional people that they feel an incredible bond with that transcends sexual orientation.

    So here's a suggestion. Take some time (in between when you're hanging out with Brandon) and masturbate a few times, and fantasize about being with Brandon. Think about the things he's done that have been super arousing or exciting you. Maybe especially the ones you described where he's just brushing against you and making you aroused. The fact that you don't seem to have done this already would make me wonder if there is some unconscious denial going on, because it would seem like a pretty obvious place to go with your fantasies if Brandon is your most recent sexual experience.

    If you try this a few times, then you can alternate with thinking about your ex. See which excites you more. Usually, the answer is fairly clear. If you do this around the same time you also simply decide you're gay, it might make things easier.

    Also, just to alleviate any fears... deciding to "try on" being gay for a few days will have --zero-- effect in changing your sexual orientation. If that worked, then every gay guy, when they were coming to terms, would simply have decided they were straight. But what this exercise does is help your conscious get out of the way so that your unconscious feelings can start to come up. So it can help you to accept who you already are if that's who you are and your conscious mind is rejecting it. And if you find it's something you relate to and connect with... then you pretty much have your answer.
     
    #25 Chip, Jan 17, 2017
  6. Jacob D

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    Hi Chip and thank you for your reply. I am taking your advice and starting this exercise that you suggested to see if it helps me. As of today I'm tossing away the idea that I'm straight and plan to do my best to consciously over the next three days, to say to myself that I am gay and to believe it. You're right that I do have an awesome guy who likes me and that I have good sexual experiences with, so I will focus on this too for the next few days and see if it helps. During this period I'll do my best to put any and all preconceived notions I may have out of my mind because I want this exercise to work for me. I will also take some time to masturbate and fantasize about being with Brandon as you suggested. I'm willing to do what I need to do in order to figure this out. If there is some unconscious denial going on that I'm unaware of, then by masturbating or fantasizing over Brandon should solve this. I'll do this over Brandon a couple of times and then I'll alternate it with thinking about my ex-girlfriend. Whichever excites me more is the answer I'm looking for. So to recap, I'm giving these exercises a few days to see how it feels to be gay and to live in the moment with the belief that I am gay for the next few days. Either this works for me or it doesn't. No matter what happens I'm willing to find out. There is one thing I forgot to mention yesterday about Brandon. He's mentioned to me a few times how much he likes to receive anal sex and he's told me that he would like me to do this to him at some point with a condom on my dick. I've never done that sort of thing before and I don't think I would be able to do this for him and I told him that. He seemed okay with my response. Was I right or was I wrong? Did I handle this in the right way? Anyway I want to thank you Chip for all your help. I really mean this.
     
    #26 Jacob D, Jan 18, 2017
  7. Creativemind

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    You don't have to have anal sex if you don't want to, but can I ask why you are hesitant? Is it because you don't want to accept being that intimate with a guy or is it because you dislike anal in general (even with girls)? Again, don't think I'm telling you that you have to do it (you don't), I'm just curious if It's because of a sexuality issue or just a general preference.

    You honestly could be bisexual if you liked girls and still do. Purely straight and purely gay aren't the only options.
     
    #27 Creativemind, Jan 18, 2017
  8. Jacob D

    Jacob D
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    Hi Creativemind. I find the thought of anal sex rather gross sorry. Just the thought of the fact that it's where our poop comes out of our bodies is just gross to me. I've turned down one girl in the past who actually enjoyed anal sex.
     
    #28 Jacob D, Jan 18, 2017
  9. Creativemind

    Creativemind
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    OK, then it sounds more like a preference than a sexuality thing if you also wouldn't do with girls. So It's probably not a sexuality thing at all!

    Another fun fact is that some gay guys don't like anal at all, so regardless of what your real sexuality is, not liking anal is fine.
     
    #29 Creativemind, Jan 18, 2017
  10. Jacob D

    Jacob D
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    Thanks for your reply Creativemind. :slight_smile:
     
    #30 Jacob D, Jan 18, 2017
  11. Chip

    Chip
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    As far as the anal sex... it's worth knowing that, at least according to one study, about 40% of gay couples don't engage in it.

    That said, for those who do, they generally find it really enjoyable. As far as cleanliness goes, Brandon, being gay, likely knows how to prepare himself (different people take different positions on how to do that). I totally get why it sounds unappealing to you, and as I said, many couples don't do it. And yet, if you decide you're willing to give it a try, my guess is that you'll find it really enjoyable. But that's entirely up to you and what you feel comfortable with.
     
    #31 Chip, Jan 18, 2017
  12. JonSomebody

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    I wish you all the best....Jon:thumbsup::thumbsup:
     
    #32 JonSomebody, Jan 18, 2017
  13. Jacob D

    Jacob D
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    Okay I gave it a few days to see how it felt and I didn't find that it clicked with me. I tried to live in the moment as gay and I did what I could to believe it but there were a couple of times where I found my focus got disrupted. The first disruption happened while I was cycling and I noticed an attractive female jogger. The second disruption happened in the check out line where I was served by an even more attractive woman. Both incidents didn't help but I did my best to push it out of my mind. I also put effort to focus specifically on guys while I cycled or when I worked out at the gym. I didn't feel any attraction, the way a gay guy should.

    As for my masturbation fantasies without porn, I found the answers to be both confusing and conflicting. When I masturbated over Brandon, it was surprisingly easier than I expected . All I had to do was to relive in my mind the oral sex he has given me and the hand jobs he gave me, and before I knew it I was jacking off and cumming. This at the time left me feeling actually gay. When I masturbated over my ex-girlfriend Alison, I fantasized about the sexual intercourse we used to have and the mutual oral sex we used to have and I had no problem cumming. This experience left me feeling straight. Both fantasies were conflicting, confusing and didn't provide me with any kind of clarity in regards to my sexual orientation. I wonder if it was easier to masturbate over Brandon because he is my most recent sexual experience? I also wonder if masturbating over my ex-girlfriend came too easily because I'm still in love with her?

    Since puberty I've known I was physically attracted entirely to girls. I've had girlfriends since I began dating at 16, some were puppy love while others were not. I started having sex at 18 and through out the last 7 years had sex with girlfriends that I loved and enjoyed. I was confident and secure in my sexual orientation. I never doubted I was straight. I no longer feel confident and over the last 2 or 3 weeks I've questioned my sexuality.

    I'm so confused over this connection and bond that I share with Brandon. Is it possible that he is the one and only guy that I connect with? Never in my entire life have I ever felt this incredible connection with another guy. It's strange and I do not understand it. In my 25 years of life, I've never experienced this before. Never felt any connection nor any bond with a male. But yet here I am feeling a connection and a bond with a guy, and not just any guy but a gay guy who has become my best friend. I enjoy Brandon's company a lot and we share the same type of personality. We also share many of the same interests such as keeping fit, eating healthy, same kind of movies and same kind of tv shows and books. We are also the same age.

    I do have some unresolved issues regarding my ex-girlfriend Alison that I'm trying to sort out. I'm not completely over her and I'm still in love with her. She haunts my thoughts whenever I'm alone. I was with her for 2 years and we lived together. We broke up last October and she moved out. It wasn't a good break up. I'm very angry at myself because I still love a girl who is no longer with me and who has moved on without me and currently has a new boyfriend. Her new boyfriend is old enough to be her father and he's the same exact age of my own father. I find it rather gross but it's her life, so whatever. I need to get over her and I am working on that. Brandon has been like a shrink to me and I'm surprised he hasn't grown sick of me talking about my ex. He's been a real help and I'm lucky I have him in my life. I haven't been with a girl since since Alison and I broke up.

    There are moments where I wish me and Brandon had remained platonic friends. If we had done that, I wouldn't be questioning my sexual orientation. I'd be the happy straight guy I always was. In these moments I regret our FWB arrangement. But there are other moments where I'm glad the friendship turned sexual and picked up where it left off 10 years ago. In those moments I believe our FWB arrangement was the right thing. It's also in these moments where I'm left questioning my sexuality. Anyway it's become complicated and confusing.
     
    #33 Jacob D, Jan 21, 2017
  14. kdingle1

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    Just enjoy what you are feeling with Brandon, and don't label it. Who cares what sex you or he are, just accept the fact you connect. I am 53 years old now, and if I had done this in my early 20's, I wouldn't be so fucked up now, drinking heavily and on the verge of suicide where every day is a struggle. Live and enjoy your life!!
     
    #34 kdingle1, Jan 21, 2017
  15. Jacob D

    Jacob D
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    Thanks kdingle1 for the advice. I will start enjoying this connection with Brandon and just accept the connection as a blessing rather than drive myself nuts thinking too much or questioning everything. I'm sorry about your situation and I hope you find some peace in your life.
     
    #35 Jacob D, Jan 21, 2017
  16. kdingle1

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    It is a blessing dude, I hope you realize that, and stop putting so much thought into it. I am ok for now, but thank you much, appreciate it. I don't have any gay or bi friends, but if you ever want to talk about stuff I am here. You seem like a good dude. Will watch for any updates you may post.
     
    #36 kdingle1, Jan 21, 2017
  17. JonSomebody

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    You are absolutely right with this response. I had a boyfriend who was not into anal sex but was really into frottage, kissing and oral sex. I supported this because I loved him and did not feel the need to force him into doing something that he did not care for. Therefore, I just thought of creative ways to make frottage sex more fun and it worked. Just call me king of frottage...haha...(!)(!):eusa_danc:smilewave
     
    #37 JonSomebody, Jan 22, 2017
  18. bunnydee

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    Jacob, this is the heterohomophobia that hits us when we start thinking to much. You subconscious will push the straight view. That's normal.

    I hate labels. They are unnecessary and many times prevent us from just being ourselves and open to love. You don't have to try to force yourself to accept yourself as gay, straight, bi or anything else.

    Just acknowledge your feelings, your emotions. Don't hide from them. If you stop looking as love or YOU have to be this way or that way, your mind will relax and you will begin to understand how you truly feel and you will be open to love without restrictions - unconditional love. That is the best advice I can give anyone. I wish parents raised children to actually acknowledge unconditional love. The world we be such a happier place.

    ---------- Post added 22nd Jan 2017 at 02:45 PM ----------

    *would be
     
    #38 bunnydee, Jan 22, 2017
  19. Jacob D

    Jacob D
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    Hi Bunnydee. I'm doing my best to acknowledge my feelings and emotions and I do not wish to hide them. I'd love to relax and understand myself better but I have yet to accomplish this. I will work on that. To be open to love without restrictions is probably the best thing I've heard today. That is some good and I mean really good advice. As for labels, I understand what you mean. I don't feel the straight label fits me anymore. I don't know which label does. But I no longer really care to be honest.

    Hi Jon. Calling yourself the king of frottage gave me a good laugh. I needed that lol.
     
    #39 Jacob D, Jan 22, 2017
  20. justinf

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    I agree with the others that you should let go of the need to label yourself, even if that probably seems impossible right now. The harsh truth is, sexuality is confusing. Period. It may take you some time to figure it out. Hell it took me 5 years. You've only been questioning for a few weeks! So as hard as it is, try and not worry too much about finding a label that suits you. Enjoy your time with Brandon and just let things develop naturally. I know that's easier said then done. When I started questioning my sexuality (also because of one guy), I remember feeling so terribly confused and anxious to find out what it meant... but in the end worrying about it and actively searching for answers didn't help me one bit. It only confused me more.

    So let go, have fun with Brandon, and don't worry about what that means. If you guys wanna take a next step, whatever that may be, go for it. If you're both happy with keeping things the way they are right now, then go for that.

    Will keep an eye out for updates as well.
     
    #40 justinf, Jan 22, 2017
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