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HOW did you tell your partner?

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by stretching, Nov 17, 2016.

  1. stretching

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    I keep sitting down with my husband of 14 years and meaning to tell him that I now realize that I'm gay, but the words don't come out :icon_sad: . We have always had pretty great communication and I've always been able to blurt put whatever is on my mind to him, but this feels so different and has such huge consequences. I guess I'm scared. To be honest I don't think he'll be surprised because I've always expressed my attraction for women to him... it's just that for the longest time I didn't clue in to what that attraction actually meant. In some ways he might even be relieved because it explains a lot about our not-so-fabulous sex life. But I just need to get those words out.

    Please tell me exactly how you sat your partner down and what you may have done differently in hind sight. Thank you!!!
     
  2. Zen fix

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    Don't think he won't be shocked/dismayed. When I came out to my wife I thought she had shown signs of some level of knowing and the news floored her. I highly recommend telling someone else first if at all possible. You will need an ally. A therapist is good or a best friend. But after you tell someone who isn't bound by confidentiality I wouldn't wait too long to tell him because people have a hard time keeping secrets and you really really don't want him hearing it elsewhere.

    Other tips:
    Be very direct and as clear as possible about what your orientation is. Don't try to spare feelings by downplaying your sexuality because that will just prolong the inevitable and make him think you're being dishonest. I've noticed some of the other ladies on here talking about how the husbands don't really take it seriously or think it's a bit of a joke. Like "Right on! Now I can have that threesome." then as time goes on and the realize their wife isn't attracted to him sexually they become bitter and angry. So just try to make sure when you come out that he understands what that means for your relationship.

    Try to tell him early in the day unless you enjoy being up all night engaged in emotional discussion.

    Be prepared for some crazy ass questions. He may think back over your relationship trying to see the signs he missed and will dredge up some incident you don't even recall but he thinks is relevant somehow. Be ready to discuss how far outside of your marriage you have gone. Slept with someone? Who? Who are you attracted to? Saying that you haven't slept with anyone else can be just as weird because, again, they may not take it as seriously This is one reason why telling someone else first can be helpful because you can encourage them to ask questions before you are in that emotionally charged situation.

    If you are going to try to stay together monogamously you may experience a lack of trust from him even if you haven't pursued anyone else.

    When I came out to my wife it was in the evening and she became extremely upset. We didn't sleep a wink. I hadn't told anyone so I had nobody to bounce stuff off of afterwards. I was pretty clumsy in the way I told her and it came out sounding like a cancer diagnosis. I wish I'd not made it sound like such a negative. I did apologize for making her feel insecure, not knowing sooner and waiting so long to tell her once I did know. But I didn't apologize for being Bi and I think that's important. There's nothing wrong with you so try not to apologize for that.

    Prior to that I had several freeze ups like you describe. There's just not a good time to break the news. Good luck.
     
  3. SiennaFire

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    I created a blog post with some ideas to consider when coming out to your spouse based on my own experience. Hopefully this can help you as you prepare to come out to your husband.


    HTH,
    SF
     
  4. RosePetals76

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    I was divorced before I came out, so I can't help with advice, but I can off up how I told my ex husband for some comic relief...

    My ex always thought I was a better match for his brother and would tease me about needing to date him instead. So, one day my ex was to watch the kids late so I could go on a date (we have a great relationship that way). When I picked the boys up he started into, "I just knew you'd end up with my brother, Joe." To which I had the pleasure of replying, "My date with Jo was great, but SHE is definitely NOT your brother!" And I walked out. He chased after with a "wait, what?!" and we had a great laugh. He always knew I liked women, he just didn't realize how much I didn't like men.
     
  5. Chrissouth53

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    Getting the conversation started is the hardest part. What I suggest you do is write down 3-4 lines of conversation that would start the discussion and memorize them. Keep practicing and practicing them until you can say them easily (in the car, in a mirror).

    Something line:
    "I'm been wanting to talk to you about something. I've come to the realization that I'm [gay, bi, lesbian]. I've felt this way for a long time and felt I had to be honest with you."

    See where the conversation goes from there. As I said getting those first few lines out will be the hardest part so get the words down pat so you can say them easier.
     
  6. Confused54

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    I just blurted it out one night, when feeling very depressed and unhappy with myself. I'd gone to bed early and my wife came in to check on me. I hadn't told anyone else. She got the news first. We didn't talk much that night, but did talk over the next few days. In the end, although we're ending our 35-year marriage, she's been amazingly supportive. A couple of months later I'm out to all the people that matter and have had enough therapy sessions to come to the conclusion that I don't need any more.
     
  7. stretching

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    Thank you so much for the frank and practical responses. This is really not one of those conversations you anticipate you'll ever need to have until you find yourself in this predicament! It is so helpful to hear how others navigated it. Thanks
     
  8. ImNotYourMom

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    by gay do you mean bisexual or lesbian?
     
  9. Choirboy

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    #9 Choirboy, Nov 23, 2016
    Last edited: Nov 23, 2016
  10. AJ Bee

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    My ex-husband and I were already separated when I told him.. We had gotten into a conversation about things we had never told each other while we were together, and I told him that before I met him, I had primarily dated women. As time went on, I admitted that my main reason for getting married was to not have to come out to my family.
     
  11. Eab91

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    I was in the car with my husband when I told him, for some reason its always easier to talk about things in the car when you are not looking face-to-face with the other person. He had some idea that I liked women, but didn't realize that I didn't want men at all anymore. At first he said he was fine with it and suggested we get a divorce. This made me so sad that we would be getting a divorce and that it was because of my sexuality. Then he started to close me out and I got a sense of resentment and anger from him.

    Fast forward to now, we still struggle to co-parent and I still have mixed feelings about it all, but I do feel free. Which is nice for feeling trapped for so long. it has definitely been a roller coaster of emotions and I am no where near the end but i am definitely happy that I told him.
     
  12. TAXODIUM

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    October 15, 2015

    I saw the therapist yesterday. He told me I was absolutely doing the right thing. By coming clean. By telling her. The plan was for me to see him one more time before bringing her in so he could be there to help manage her reactions. But…
    She knew something was wrong. Very wrong. I tried to play it off to fatigue, work stress. When we got into bed, she curled up to me. Loving. Tender. Comforting.
    I told her I had seen a therapist. That I needed to deal with some issues surrounding my depression, anger, distance. That I talked to him about our marriage. She asked if she needed to be worried about “us.” I faintly whispered, “I’m not sure yet.”

    She began to question herself, blame herself for me not loving her, not liking her. I was holding her tight, reassuring her that it was about ME not her… and then I just couldn’t hold it in anymore.

    I said it : I’m GAY. I always have been. She silently held me tight as I sobbed, struggling to breathe.

    And then the questions began.
    How long have you known? All my life.
    Have you been unfaithful? I’ve experimented a few times.
    She began pointedly saying names.
    The teacher ?! No absolutely not.
    The landscape guy?! You were very emotionally attached to him. NO, absolutely not. We were just really good friends.
    The anesthesiologist?! No. I swear.
    Wow… you have 2 different worlds…
    Anger.
    After 23 years of marriage, I’ve given everything to you, sacrificed myself. And you’re this fucking selfish?! Did you ever think about that?! Or did you justify it by telling yourself it wasn’t really cheating because they’re men?! How can you be gay when you can have really good sex with me?! I’m so stupid! I’m an idiot! All the signs were there, but you hid them very well! Fuck you. Just fuck you.
    I took it. All of it. Wishing she had a gun to simply shoot me. I told her how often over the years I’ve been suicidal.
    This morning.
    More of the same. Holding her while she cried. Her holding me while I cried. Trying to understand the complexities of my sexuality and our relationship. She is terrified of being alone. Begging me not to leave her. Reminding me that I promised her we would love each other, be selfless, sacrifice ourselves for each other. Talking about each of our roles in the problems in our relationship. Acknowledging them. Accepting responsibility for them. Saying I’m sorry to each other. Over and over and over.
    More questions.
    How many times have you been unfaithful? I’ve experimented a few times.
    Are you actively with anyone right now?! No. I swear.
    Does she want to come to the therapist with me next week?
    No, she’s not ready yet for someone to tell her that no matter how much she loves me or what she does, I will still leave her behind.
    She loves me.
    She adores me.
    Why do I get to make the decision, walk away and deny her any say in the outcome?
    What if I can’t, what if I fail at making it work???
    If I do, she hopes she will go to sleep and never wake up. Why couldn’t I wait for her to have a heart attack and then do this?
    When she asks if I’m willing to try to make the marriage work, all I can do is say, “I don’t know…”
    I’m so sad.
    So confused.
    For me.
    For us.
    But mostly for her.
    She doesn’t deserve this.
    Oh my God.

    What have I done…