I´ve done some big backstepping and I don´t know where to get from here.

Hi, so I have been a member for a long time now and I have posted some stories in the past about me figuring out my orientation, but I´ve gotten myself into a situation where I feel I have stepped in the wrong direction and I need guidance.

So I live with my mother, and so far the only people who know all the trials I´ve been through to get to the point where I am now is my really close friend who we can call T. However, I made the plan that if my mom ever brought up anything relating my sexuality I´ll just tell here I am not straight and I have been attracted to some guys in the past. However things changed when I met a new friend. Now there is nothing between us and I only like him as a friend, but hes a really nice friend and I really like him, so he´s not someone I´d give up easily. Everything was going fine until one day his mom comes over for some other reasons and my mom and her end up talking. Shenanigans happen and after her mom leaves she calls again way later in the night and my mom just locks herself in the bathroom to talk to her. I stand up to ask her whats going on and after my mom finishes talking she sits down with me and she explains to me:

¨Earlier today {My friends}´s mom said she noticed you were a bit femenine and she asked me if there was anything going on with your sexuality, I said that I didn´t know but I wouldn´t care either or, then she told me that maybe I should get therapy for my femenine way of talking, she said she wasn´t a homophobe, but that it could get me into some issues in the future, she called me now because {My friend} was upset about what she said earlier in the morning and asked to apologize on her behalf, then I told him to put her on the phone and thats when we talked a little more and she explained to me that her son (my friend) was explaining to her that I wasn´t gay and that saying those things wasn´t ok. Now I´m gonna ask you this. Are you? that?¨

And from this whole situation and the way she asked me I freaked out and I denied it and said it was absurd, - where could she be getting that from- and also that I had no idea i was affeminate (which I actually didn´t, that day I learned that talking with your hands is apparently something only women do) because I was afraid that if I came out there she would tell my friends mom and she would not allow us to be friends anymore. I was also doing it on behalf of my friend who was also denying it to his mom (he actually doesn´t think I´m gay and personally I don´t think he would hate me if I told him but I also don´t think he would take it lightly, and I definitely think our friendship would be different). She was flabbergasted after denying everything I´ve said in the past and she said she was fairly convinced I was gay from the way I talked about gay rights (and other things) and about my other friend (who is the only friend who knows about this and is also out of the closet).

There was already a therapist meeting scheduled which was unrelated to this incident, but my mom took advantage of that and told our therapist about how I´m denying things that she was convinced about, I know this because he mentioned it when he asked me whether or not I was, I told him no and he said that in my report I he has that I was uncertain of my feelings towards some men, after me saying that I wasn´t sure and currently I haven´t had feelings for any women or men in general that maybe I was just uncertain, and he thought the same too, that I was just figuring things out and that maybe I´m just waiting for a girl (or a guy) to sweep me off my feet.

I convinced myself of this too, it felt good to think I was just in the middle, not really in a label that would put me in trouble. But later i started to feel very worried about my future, since I can´t really tell my mom ¨I´ve had feelings for men in the past¨ what would happen if I started dating a guy, or how would I go to a gay bar or how will other people know I´m a potential partner if I don´t label myself. And all this questioning made me feel like I have done some serious steps backwards, because these are the same questions I made to myself almost 3 years ago when I joined this site, and now, for some reason, the answers seem so distant. And that worries me, because I still want to be free to be me without worrying about some homophobic concerned mom or whether or not my mom will love me less because of my orientation; and even now I feel like I have a knot in my throat because the psychiatrist I went to mentioned that ¨people who come with that concerned are usually concerned about how will the people they know accept them, not really wether or not they are, and you didnt fit that type.¨ but the thing is right now, as I´m writting this, I am concerned about how they people I care about will accept me so I guess it is true.

I also feel very angry at my friends mom for thinking that I, or gay people for that matter, are some sort of pervert who are willing to date a 15 year old boy specially since I just turned 18, and at how she would suggest sending me to therapy to ¨fix¨ my femminity right after saying she was not ¨a homophobe¨, and I can appreciate she is concerned for her child but I am appalled that some disgusting ignorance will be the thing that throws away something I have put so much effort into, but I also love her since shes a great lady and is also my friends mom. And that just adds fuel to the fire of emotions I have been feeling lately.

I am sorry for writting this much lately, but the advice I need is that, after knowing my situation, what do you think I should do? and am I right for doing what I did? How can I fix this? please answer with compassion.
I also kinda want to know, If I have been in love with girls in the past, but the majority of people that I like are guys, what would that make me?

Thanks in advance for your answers and thank you for your time.

 

Also have you ever been in a position similar to this one? if so what have you done?

 

Hey I still need some advice!