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So Sad

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by TreeTurtle137, Nov 8, 2016.

  1. TreeTurtle137

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    I really can't believe how bad my life is these days.

    I stupidly fell for a woman who is in the closet. We had an intense and close friendship and she opened up to me at times about her questionning. I kept everything top secret and people thought I was into her and she wasn't that into me - because she couldn't afford to publicly show it.

    Then when things heated up, it all fell apart and she made out I was someone I am definitely not. Like I was obsessed with her when all along I said she must do what she needs to do and that's all. She's not answerable to anyoen. The fall out was so ugly.

    As a consequence of her lies, I have lost so many friends. Because I could never (OBVIOUSLY) state what was really going on because she was still completely in the closet and I couldn't say a thing about her interest in me.

    I have lost so many friends and I feel so alone.

    I feel like crying.

    I've never revealed the truth and taken all the blame in order to enable her to stay in the closet. I remember how painful coming out was for me.

    She'll never know what this has done to me.
     
  2. Really

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    Oh, wow, that's a tough situation. Do you have any friendly acquaintances that are further out on your social circle that wouldn't have heard her lies? Maybe you could cultivate them to become more friendly.

    Does everyone believe her lies? Maybe some of them only appear to but if you reach out, you'll find that they know you better than that and would be happy to be in touch with you again. I suspect some of them appear to have "unfriended" you because they simply don't know what to say under the circumstances.

    You sound like you've taken the high road and, believe me, you will be rewarded for this. People will see that you have more integrity than her and will come round. Pick one person and send them a quick message. Maybe something like "I thought about you the other day and wondered how you were doing." You may be pleasantly surprised.
     
  3. TreeTurtle137

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    Thanks Really (love the name!) Really happy to receive your thoughts. I'm choking on sadness at the moment bc not only did I lose a bunch of friends, I lost her - she did an about face back into the closet. She even looks so straight now - her hairstyle and clothing has changed. Ugh.

    I think plenty of friends in common have wondered about her. One of her closest friends actually said to me "you two are like a couple but you're not". I looked at her blankly because I know if I said anything it would out her and that's not my place to do that.

    Part of the issue is that I feel so depressed I guess. I just can't believe how this has all unraveled and how much someone will bring you down in order to save themselves. Who knows, maybe I would have done the same when I was once in hate of myself and in the closet.

    Anyway, this is all really hard at the moment because I'm going through the death of a loved one and would love some support but right now these people don't feel close to me at all. I know I've shut down and your advice is good - I'm sure some of them will come back into my life if I want them to...but it won't heal this scar I don't think. It's been a traumatic experience.
     
  4. RosePetals76

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    I am so sorry that happened to you. She has no idea how much you've done for her by taking the fall and not outing her. I respect you so much for not outing her, as many of us know how painful being outed is.
     
  5. TreeTurtle137

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    Thank you so much for your response.

    This experience has brought me a lot of suffering. Hopefully one day I will see the value of it all.
     
  6. SiennaFire

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    Granted you made a mistake by falling for a woman who is in the closet, but I feel that you've been overly accommodating to a woman who appears to have stabbed you in the back to protect herself. Personally I would at least confront her so that she knows what she's done to you, which would help to bring closure and healing for you. If she shows no remorse or effort to rectify the situation, I might even be inclined to go a step further and try and combat her lies, if the particulars of the situation allowed a delicate and nuanced handling of the matter.
     
    #6 SiennaFire, Nov 9, 2016
    Last edited: Nov 9, 2016
  7. TreeTurtle137

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    Thanks SF for your thoughts. It's an interesting idea - to confront her. I have tried to talk but she goes on the attack any time I attempt to. I've noticed she tends to feel full of guilt and can't bear when people accuse her of anything or point out how she hurt them (or at least me).

    I really hope and pray though that in time that opportunity will present itself.

    I think your idea is interesting though. I do need to somehow digest everything. I know I haven't been able to. It's sitting inside me. All this tense energy. The feeling of dispair and rage and feeling unheard as well as misunderstood.
     
  8. Poppy43

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    Hi, What I dont really understand here is why you lost a lot of friends. People do get wrapped up/obsessed with people they fancy etc. Everyone has had friends like this and its not usually a reason to fall out.
    It sounds to me like they were not proper friends to start with if they are just going to dump you over that. Can you move on and try to meet some other people to hang around with? I'd also leave her to it, shes caused you enough hassell and you need to let go.
     
  9. TreeTurtle137

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    Hi Poppy,
    There's a whollle long story about the falling out. Let's just say it got ugly...an argument that I wish hadn't happened. With the context that she set - that I am into her and she isn't into me, I think I appeared a fool. I'll never really know because as I stated I shut down and never explained to anyone what had happened. I was afraid of outing her since that was central to the story.

    I agree I need to move on and find new friends. It's just that I haven't been able to. I've never connected with anyone like I did her...and I know she felt the same. But there's a big obstacle that stands between us now - that she's not willing to come out. So I do need to move on. But this hopefully explains why it's been so impossibly hard.

    Yes, I do feel pathetic :frowning2:
     
  10. Linkmaste

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    I'm sorry that happened. It's good you took the higher road because honestly I would spill the beans so fast and shut it all down. I ain't perfect but you're someone we can look to in tough times like what you explained.

    Keep your chin up and know that you did the right thing.
     
  11. Poppy43

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    Your not pathetic at all, but there are loads of women you could be out meeting.You may or may not connect as well with someone again, but you can give people a go and have a laugh in the process.Surely thats better than being hung up on her? Your in New York one of the best places in the world for gay and lesbian socializing. There must be some gay/lesbain group/meeting/anything that appeals to you?
     
  12. SiennaFire

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    When people are in the closet, they are masters of hiding and ignoring reality to protect their secrets. Her going on the attack is her attempt to push you away because that's easier than dealing with the consequences of her actions. Yet that's exactly what she (and you) need to bring closure and healing to this affair. For your own sanity, I feel that it's important to release all the tense energy inside of you so I hope that you have a chance to speak with her.
     
    #12 SiennaFire, Nov 10, 2016
    Last edited: Nov 10, 2016
  13. TreeTurtle137

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    I have to tell you all - thank you so much for sharing your perspectives. I started reading your answers just now and I feel like I could cry. Can't believe how much I have been holding in. How understood and silenced I've felt. It's made me realize a) I need to go talk to someone and get this all off my chest and b) I need to walk away now and find new awesome women (and men) to hang out with. It's been so long since I've felt good. Too long.

    Poppy - it's been ages since I've even explored the center in NYC. It's awesome though and I will go back. Thanks for the suggestion.

    SF - You are so very right! That's exactly why she can't talk to me. For some reason, I have never fully attributed it all to that. I have wondered why she finds it so challenging to communicate...and it's because it requires her to shatter her own denial!!!

    Linkmaste - I have tried to do the right thing. Let's face it, if you outed someone who wasn't ready it could actually cost them their life and I don't want to ever wear that or cause someone (who I supposedly love?) that kind of trauma.

    I am so grateful for you all. Thank you for your support.