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I came out to my mum and oh dear

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by Kal, Nov 5, 2016.

  1. Kal

    Kal
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    It didn't go the way I thought it would at all. She made it all about her and the language she was using made me feel like a freak. She said that it's been her life's work raising a daughter and that will be erased forever. She said that I will be a completely different person, that I will intrinsically be a different person when I transition. I get it was a shock and she has to process but she didn't once check how I've been feeling or check that I've had some form of support. It has become painfully clear that the type of parent I yearn for is not the parent I have.

    All I wanted was a tiny glimmer of hope that she cared about how I was doing emotionally. Needless to say, I'm gutted and broken by what was said. And I now have to wait for the digested verdict. I feel like a worthless and troublesome freak of nature.
     
  2. RedEyeFlash

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    My parents are supportive of me but they were shocked when I first came out to them. Their reaction was very similar. But they're fine now. Give her some time. If her reaction shocked you, than she'll probably come around. I'm sorry that it went this way for you. I know what a slap in the face it feels like. Coming out of the closet is the one and only time I have ever felt like my parents didn't have my back. But I know now that they do and their reaction was just out of shock.
     
    #2 RedEyeFlash, Nov 5, 2016
    Last edited: Nov 5, 2016
  3. AmyBee

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    I think a lot of parents feel like you'll be a different person. But of course we know you won't. You'll be the same person only more you and more comfortable and happier. I hope she figures that out for both of your sakes! Anyway, best of everything to you!
     
  4. Barbatus

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    Hi mate,

    Sorry to hear about your mum's reaction. I hope it was just shock but from what you've said before it sounds like she is a self-centered person, as you said talking about 'her' effort would be wasted.

    Will you speak to her again soon? You might want to make the point that this isn't about her, it's about you being yourself and living a happy life. You are doing this for yourself, not for her and might be worth saying that. I know acceptance from parents can be very important but at the end of the day we have to wary of the power we give over us in terms of approval and disapproval.

    I'm not really sure that helps but on the plus side you are moving things forward and sticking to your plan. This is a hard step but you've taken it and as long as you are firm and resolved with her, she will have to accept it even if she isn't happy about it.

    Oh one suggestion, maybe to put a thread up in the 'For Parents and Family Members of LGBT People' to ask some parents about it. They may have a few tips about what information they found helpful or about how they processed their children coming out as trans. It might help you understand your mum's reaction and behaviour or at least put it in context. Hopefully, they will have some practical advice but if not they should be able to explain from a parents point of view. Might be worth a shot.

    Well done on coming out to her though. A major step in the right direction.
     
  5. Kal

    Kal
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    Im genuinely numb and feel so alone by what she said. Her initial reaction was so shocking to me that I secretly got my phone and recorded the entire conversation so I can play it back when I'm feeling less emotionally rundown. I just can't believe it. How she chose my name, how she raised a daughter, how my youngest brother will be confused (special needs), how I already look and come across so masculine what's the point in transitioning. So much was said. Some of it either intentionally or unintentionally degrading. I'm shocked she was so shocked really, because she said she asked me years ago if I wanted to be a man and I was adamant that I didn't; I don't remember that conversation (depression makes me not remember an awful lot) but I can remember how I've felt over the years about my gender. The shame, the 'I have to accept this is the way I was made and that's that', the obsession with weightlifting and so on. When someone mistook me for male I felt shame, like they knew a secret or they were judging me for being a wannabe. My head is spinning. I barely slept, cried myself to sleep and I feel hungover.

    I think you're right, I could find some material or advice to help her and me understand more. I just suppose I thought she loved me no matter what and wanted me to find peace. Her gut reaction showed me that emotionally she's a very selfish person and this is entirely about how it reflects on her and impacts her. I feel like a circus freak, like I'm wrong for having these feelings and I should be locked up.

    ---------- Post added 5th Nov 2016 at 02:29 AM ----------

    I'm reeling from how she reacted. Truly. She's the only parent I have.

    ---------- Post added 5th Nov 2016 at 02:30 AM ----------

    Can't really see the wood for the trees at the moment. I quit smoking last year...needless to say I've had a couple of fags.
     
  6. Rickystarr

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    Man, that totally sucks and I'm sorry to hear it. My mom is fine with me transitioning and even some of the things she's said to me have kind of caught me off guard with how ignorant she is. A few comments she's made to me recently have really stuck with me. I think "degrading" is a good way to describe it, and it feels especially harsh coming from your own mother. So I can hardly imagine how you must feel when your mom had a blatantly hostile reaction when I feel bad enough about mine hurting me without even trying to.

    All I can really say is that you are an adult so fortunately it doesn't really matter what she thinks about this. Of course you want her in your life if you can, but otherwise her opinion doesn't really matter assuming you aren't financially dependent on her. And that just because she has some backwards views, that doesn't mean she is right in any way. She may have made you feel like a freak or whatever, but that is because she is ignorant and selfish, or just caught off guard. It isn't your fault and there is nothing wrong with you. Although my mom doesn't give a shit whether I transition or not, she has some highly narcissistic qualities (probably why she doesn't care. She wouldn't bother thinking about me that long.), so I can empathize with your mother problems in general.

    Hopefully she will come around. I never understand when people are so surprised their kids are trans if they present so masculine to begin with. And why do you think this changes anything? All it changes is the way I want to be referred to. My clothes are the same, my haircut is the same, my mannerisms are the same...It won't be that much to get used to. Not to say my family was particularly surprised though aheh.

    So at least you got that out of the way! Now you can move forward!
     
    #6 Rickystarr, Nov 5, 2016
    Last edited: Nov 5, 2016
  7. Barbatus

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    I can see that your brother with special needs might be an extra difficulty and depending on what kind of needs he has you might want to treat him as an exception to the pronouns and things. I don't want that to be seen as undermining you - I was just wondering if his special needs would prevent him from understanding at all or whether it will take some explaining to him.

    From what you've said I think you were your mum's only 'daughter'? If so she may have a particular attachment to the gender your were assigned at birth. Again though this isn't about her but it might explain her behaviour somewhat.

    Sadly, some parents aren't very good at the unconditional love bit. In this case it might be compound by focus on how she feels rather than how you feel.

    I'm sorry to hear you are feeling so shit at the moment. Your mother's reaction sounds like it has caused you to think that you are wrong but don't let her judgement change how you feel about yourself. You know you are Kal not the name she gave you, you know you are a man not the little girl she thought or woman she thinks you should be, you know you will be happy once you transition and that is what you are aiming for.

    Maybe just take this weekend to do whatever you feel like maybe look at the parents forum or maybe just mope around a bit if that helps you (nothing wrong with that, sometimes I do that when I'm feeling depressed or frustrated) and give her a few days before speaking to her again. If you want you could get some material you want her to look at ready if you see her in person. See how she is then. The important thing though is that even if she isn't happy with it, she has to accept it as the way things are now.
     
  8. SystemGlitch

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    I don't think anyone could predict a reaction like that. I thought that my dad's reaction was bad but this really takes the cake... I'm sorry this happened man, I can't imagine how you must be feeling right now. Rest assured there is absolutely nothing wrong with how you feel or what you want to do - you are not a freak and you are not worthless. Her issues are her issues and at the end of the day have very little to do with you on a personal level. They seem to be founded very much in selfishness and ignorance. I definitely wouldn't value your self worth by her words.

    It could be much of this is founded in shock, both for you at her reaction and for her at you coming out. I think it would be good to revisit this with her in the future, once things have cooled down and the initial shock has worn off. It would be best to come armed with materials about being trans and transitioning and maybe some statistics - one that helped hammer home to my sister how important this is was "40% of transgender people either attempt or succeed at committing suicide - some of the main factors increasing suicide risk are abuse, discrimination, and rejection by loved ones. Studies show that suicide rates dramatically drop for transgender people who have transitioned and are treated the same as a cisgender member of that gender." That made my sister pause and at first I don't think she believed me, but she did later say that she didn't realise that there were serious emotions at play here and it's more than just "aw now I don't get to be male, oh well, let's go get ice cream". Maybe having something that isn't face-to-face might help too? Such as a phone call or a letter.

    Good luck with everything man, and just remember that you are a valued person. All that you want to do is live authentically, and there is nothing wrong at all with that.
     
  9. Kal

    Kal
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    That's the thing, I have a sister. And she even acknowledged that there is "nothing feminine" about me, so I can't really see it being such a ground breaking shock. It's surprising because it's not an every day occurrence but the shock is almost unbelievable. If I had the stones the post a picture of me, everyone would see. And it's not even like my gender defines me as a person? She can't think every time she sees or talks to me "they are a she, that is a female" because who does. There was something in my head that thought she would react in a way like "oh my god, everything makes sense and your severe unhappiness and self esteem issues are of course linked to how your mind is different to your body". I just don't know man, I'm so so tired out by the emotion of it. And I'm in a weird limbo because I'm waiting for her to "process". What if this decision makes me even more of an outcast? I'm a good and honest person, all I want is some peace and to have people around me that value me. That listen when I talk or include me. I couldn't feel more alone right now and I've just had to go on that date and I'm sure she must think how damaged I am.

    ---------- Post added 5th Nov 2016 at 09:57 AM ----------

    Thanks, I do need to point her in the direction of some material to help her understand. There's a couple of really good youtubers that she could do with watching.
     
  10. Kodo

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    You are not worthless, troublesome,or a freak. Got it?

    This kind of reaction is common amongst trans-people's parents. I know it stings, but you did a great thing coming out to her. I'm very sorry it went badly. I can understand what you're going through - my parents' rejection felt like hell at the time. But I got through it, and so can you.

    Many times, parents will initially reject their trans child. They will basically go through the five stages of grief, which will take a while. But it is not impossible that one or both of them will come around in the future.

    Hang in there Kal.
     
  11. Kal

    Kal
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    Thanks bro. Similarly to her, I can't imagine being a parent faced with this. But I really could do with her changing her typical way of dealing with me. I really could. The feedback she gives me over the years has made me feel like she perceives me as this messed up child that makes life as difficult as possible for myself. But I honestly don't, hand on heart I don't. I had some severe depression and anxiety issues for years that I fought to get on top of. It made me obsess over my health and actually made me super healthy. So I am thankful for that. I think there will always be a wedge between us and there has been since I was in my mid teens. For years I tried to do as many favours as possible for her, support her as much as I could. I hoped that she would twig that I only loved her and was desperate to be treated like her child again. I could never ever say this stuff to her because she would take it personally in a way that would cause resentment towards me for even saying it, not actually digesting what I meant. So, I've slipped further away from her, due to both our faults. I feel like that astronaut that is outside the space station and manages to drift away from it, tethered with the only way of finding my way back home by being pulled in.

    Anyway. I get to the point where I've bleated on enough and I start to feel self absorbed. Sorry

    ---------- Post added 5th Nov 2016 at 02:16 PM ----------

    She seems to think I am going to be a completely different person. And that makes me feel like a stranger to my own mother. The thing I fucking hate most is how tied we naturally are to our mothers. How dependent we are on them to be there and support us. I couldn't care less about my father, haven't seen him in a decade. But if I didn't get to see my mum anymore, it would cut me in half. And the bit that makes me want to gouge me eyes out and scream til my lungs explode is that sometimes I get a flash of a feeling that she may not feel the same. And that makes me want to die.

    ---------- Post added 5th Nov 2016 at 02:18 PM ----------

    Knowing that there are real people behind these words and have experienced all of this makes me feel better. I don't feel quite so alone.
     
  12. Kasey

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    I'll sum up what my parents said.

    "I wish you were just Gay instead".

    And

    "We are losing a son".

    So yea. I totally understand.
     
  13. BrookeVL

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    Pretty much how my mom reacted. Hugs.(*hug*)
     
  14. Kal

    Kal
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    Fuck guys and girls, what is wrong with people!? I got a really good night's sleep and I woke up feeling like a brand new man. I feel really positive and the shock I experienced from telling her and the reaction seems to have subsided. I will NOT feel shame for my discipline in my body, I will NOT feel shame by wanting to live authentically. I don't give a fuck what other people think because they don't have to live my life for me. I will be strong, I will be me. I am Kal.
     
  15. AmyBee

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    I am so happy to read that! I know it sucks when someone you love reacts the way she did but in the end, yes, you are the one who has to live your life!
     
  16. Barbatus

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    Hi Kal,

    I'm glad you are feeling better today. Sometimes with things like this we just have to go 'fuck what our parents think' because although we are tied to them they don't necessarily do the what's best for us.

    I was going to suggest to say to her 'not being recongised as a man has been a major source of the emotional problems I've had' but I'm not sure you think that is a good idea if she turns round to be about her. I think, given how important she is in your life, you should try giving her some reading material and try to get her to see things from your perspective and explain the importance of transitioning.

    I didn't realise you had a sister - which rules out her losing her only 'daughter' issue. And I don't know why people can't just let people be themselves, I find it baffling that people feel that they can decide how other people should live when it doesn't affect them.

    I'm sorry you feel your date didn't go well. Maybe if you explain to her what happened with your mum she will understand and you could go on another date. If she's a reasonable person she'll understand that you were upset by your mum's reaction and see it in that context.

    Regardless, I'm glad you are feeling better and are ready to deal with your mum on your own terms. :slight_smile:
     
  17. BenFreeman

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    she made it about her? Well don't you go making it about her either, You know you are not a freak. You know you are a man.
    Be that man.
    if she's uncomfortable with or disappointed in that man, it's HER problem. Nothin wrong with you. Don't make it your problem.

    ---------- Post added 6th Nov 2016 at 10:36 AM ----------

    Exactly.
    :thumbsup:
     
  18. Kal

    Kal
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    Jesus, guys I am so fucking shattered now. Another conversation for hours. Lots of different stages to that conversation and lots of tears. Some progress was made in her finally letting her guard down and remembering that she does love me. It did start out really badly though, I felt like I was being verbally attacked. She made some points out of anger and said a couple of things that were pretty hurtful, but I do understand that this is a big thing for her. She definitely hasn't reacted the way I hoped she would and she admitted that she was being selfish in her reaction. I truly hope that she comes round to this day by day and doesn't fight me the whole time with her anger and grief.
     
  19. Barbatus

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    Hi Kal,

    Wow. That's really impressive you spoke to her so quickly, especially as it's been a big couple of days for you. It sounds like you got somewhere though so that's great. I understand that it must be painful hearing her make comments that upset you but speaking to her will help to get things clear.

    Remember the points where she got passed her 'front' and got her thinking about you and how it effects you. She does care about you but she's going to need your help to guide her in what is best for you. It sounds promising even if it will be a struggle. I hope you feel a bit better tomorrow and keep speaking to her. Keep well my friend.
     
  20. Kal

    Kal
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    Yeah it was rough. I'm shattered today, my eyes are swollen and my head is fuzzy. I'm going to put it to the back of my mind today and crack on with work. It'll all be fine and I'm sure this won't be the last in depth argument/conversation we have about it. She's yet to know my chosen name after all. Thanks mate I appreciate the support.