Dad called me a "d*ke" and I'm really upset

It tends to be really difficult for fathers whenever they "lose" their daughters, I've noticed. It happens when they first get in a relationship, when they get married, when they move away from home... or for our dads, when their daughter was never a daughter in the first place. From talking to my family and some other trans people, apparently family members seem to take it as if they are losing their sister/brother/daughter/son/etc... and they fail to notice that the person isn't really going anywhere. I think he's probably just as worried as you are and doesn't really know how to handle the situation, coupled with the fact that he may not fully understand what you mean when you tell him that you are transgender/a man. However, that in no way excuses him talking to you like that or gives him the right to dismiss your feelings about your gender, and if transitioning is the path you need to take to help you, I think that you should pursue it and if he cares about you then he should be happy that you are happy. There is support for family members of transgender people as well if he needs to access it.

I definitely think it's important to talk to him again soon about how you feel and explain why transitioning is what will help you and that nothing else can. I don't know how it is for you, but for me my childhood was wasted on "wait until you've lived more of life". I regret so badly that I didn't insist on seeing a gender counsellor when I was first questioning at 14 because I feel like I missed my teenage years due to not really being alive or a real person. I was a thing doing stuff people told me to do and reflecting what I was told to be, all the while not really experiencing anything. Now that I live as male, I'm alive. This is my life, and what came before was nothing but some sort of purgatory or limbo that I'm so thankful to have escaped.

If you don't want to have a full conversation about your gender, you could simply tell him that you have no interest in being more feminine and that his comments to you upset you - you are an adult, you can present yourself how and as you want to, and he shouldn't feel like he has control over that even if he is your father. At the very least you could tell him if you can that the word he used is an slur that shouldn't be used to describe anyone - hopefully that should mean he avoids using it in the future in reference to you or to anyone else.

Best of luck with everything, and all of us here on EC will support you where we can. (*hug*)

 

Ew, that's nasty. Sorry you're dealing with this. It sounds like you really need to educate him on trans issues, after all, you're his SON. And he needs to accept that.

Hell, even some cis women don't want to dress feminine. I wear a nice top and dress pants to formal occassions, never a dress. Femininity is a social construct that hurts everybody.

 

Jesus, you'd think a father would find it easier than a mother. Mind you, I have no father so couldn't possibly say.

 

Sounds like any parent, scared you are making a mistake that you will later regret. I know that isn't the case in your mind but, try to see his perspective. He knows people that reversed the transition and, doesn't want you to go through that.

Also make it clear to him that you are going to dress as a man, it's your mind and body and, ultimately your choice. The main thing is that your wife is supportive. You and she are the two that have to live with you for the rest of your lives, you and your wife have to be your priority. Do what's right for you and, for her and, I think your dad will come around again once he sees you are both happy with your decisions.