I feel like since questioning and accepting my sexuality I feel as though I have had something of an identity crisis. Like many people here I have thought back to previous relationships and people I have been attracted too and wondered how I didn't become more comfortable with my sexuality sooner. Now I feel like my life is compartmentalised to some degree. I am a mother, I am a woman, I am a feminist, I am a wife (to a man), I am bisexual, I am my career. I feel as though I don't know how to reconcile all these seperate parts of me into one...if that makes sense. I am out to some people and not others and I feel like maybe I act differently depending on who I am with. I feel like I want people to get the real, authentic version of me all of the time. I feel maybe people who are LGBT take longer to figure out who they really are and become comfortable in their own skin. I kinda feel too old to feel this way though! Does anyone else relate?
I've been listening lately to video recordings of Alan Watts, a Zen/Buddhist philosopher who has a lot to say about the self and identity. Let's start with the notion that you are a person with an identity. From Watts I learned that the origin of the word "person" derives from the Latin "persona", which means mask...interesting. So you are now a person (mask), with a name and an identity, or more precisely you have a name, which is a symbol, an identity, which is what you think you are, i.e. what is called an ego or image of yourself, and you have words (symbols) to describe all the roles you play. According to Watts: To Watts, names, numbers, roles, the image of oneself, etc. are concepts, these concepts cannot do anything, the number "3" cannot do anything, it is useful as a representation, it is not 3 in any real sense. The word "sexuality", a symbol, refers to something that is part of the real living organism that you are and that you have somehow discovered, it seems to me that the crisis you are experiencing is one of conflicting symbols and self-images with the reality that is confronting you. Watts explains this beautifully here: [YOUTUBE]_LXiSPpfM54[/YOUTUBE]
We're about the same age, both mothers, married to men, and I completely relate to what you're saying. I think the reason I didn't figure out myself earlier is two-fold: 1 - Lack of representation. The only gay people I knew were two suspected closeted teachers. They were mocked by my classmates, and the understanding that I got was that if you were gay it was something to hide at all costs. My more androgynous way of dressing/acting/interests was only treated with derision by my mother and peers, and I never considered it to be an indication of something that I was inside. I was just weird and could never be a girly girl because there was something wrong with me. 2 - Meeting my husband at age 18. As a result, I never experienced any unattached freedom from my more conservative upbringing. I think that if I hadn't met him, I would have discovered my sexuality and come out in college. So, now I'm in a stuck place. I love my husband but continually struggle with attraction, and I'm completely frustrated. Worst of all, I'm experiencing a strong sense of second adolescence and my attraction toward women is just bursting at the seams. I seriously feel like I'm 16 again, all this pent up feeling and frustration without any outlet! If you don't mind me asking, how are you handling the compartmentalization of your life? How are you reconciling your bisexuality with your straight-appearing life and marriage? You've said that you're out to some degree...and I have no idea how to get to that point. I want to be known and to be myself, but I'm just afraid of what that will mean for my kids. Will teachers treat them differently? Will people react to me oddly like "Why are you telling me about your sex life?" "You're married, so how does it matter?" "Are you in an open marriage?" "Are you a threat to my marriage?" Such a mess! Lately I've been making new friends outside of my marriage, just hanging out in writing groups, watching movies and sports...and it's wonderful. I only have time to get away a couple times a month, but I really relish it. I dress the way I want, try not to talk too much about family, just enjoy my interests. It feels amazing, and I'm always left wanting more. I do feel like I'm hiding and lying by omission, but in my head I just go through these experiences like "Here you are, nbd, as a bisexual/lesbian/questioning woman, living your life, making new friends. This is you!" and it feels so, so good. I just want more!
Thanks Great Whale, that is an interesting way of looking at it. It has definetly given me a lot to think about. nbd...I actually realised I was attracted to women (as well as men) when I was a teenager, I just don't think I accepted it properly until recently. I had a relationship with a woman in college and have slept with another woman since then. I think I always thought of my same sex desires as optional though rather than part of who I am. I felt like it was something to be ashamed of and something I kept fairly secret until recently. So I don't know if my story is a bit different from some others here. Anyway, I recently had a crush on a lesbian I work with and that has made me think a lot about my sexuality again and also about my relationship with my husband. My husband has always known I'm Bi and has always been supportive and some friends and family also know. I feel like with people who don't know I'm more reserved and less fun and feel sometimes like you say like I'm lying by omission. Sometimes the straight appearing life is hard as I don't feel as though I'm being true to myself and people don't know I'm Bi unless I make a point of telling them. I definetly find the 'Bi invisibility' difficult sometimes. However most of the people I care about know so that makes a big difference. I'm also a fairly vocal supporter of LGBT rights and I think I probably come across as a big sexually ambiguous anyway so I'm not sure people would be all that surprised I understand the struggle with attraction and pent up feelings of frustration. So many hot woman old there! I can't really offer any solutions to this unfortunately. I take it you want to stay with your husband? Would you consider an open relationship? How does he feel about it? (If you don't mind me asking!) That's great that you are going to groups and making new friends. It sounds very positive doing something for yourself.
Good post, dirtyshirt! And I can relate to the identity issues you talk about a lot. As you know, I'm bi too, and I'm out to some but not all. In my case, it's pretty much all of my close friends and family, plus anyone associated with the band and anyone I know from volunteering at the LGBT Center. The identity thing is something I think about, too. I hope to at some point in the not-too-distant future be fully out, fully comfortable, fully me. Right now, it feels different depending on who I'm with, which is something you mentioned too. I'm not out at work at all (although Monday is my goal date for that), so it's totally different than being at a band gig. And then, even at a band gig where everyone knows I'm not straight, I'm still getting used to how that feels. Do I say a dude I see is hot, etc.? So some growing pains there. I hope it gets easier over time, like somehow the pieces will stop being loosely arranged jigsaw pieces that aren't together and instead are a completed jigsaw puzzle of an awesome bi guy. LOL. But it feels like separate piles of pieces sometimes now. Perhaps when all of this being actually out is less new for me.... My wife told me a nice anecdote that gives me hope. A young guy that helps out with the sound crew told her he thought it was cool that I came out, and that I was a good bassist (that's debatable ), just like anybody else, just not straight. Its good to hear that impression, that's a positive thing I think. You and I seem to have paths with some similar step stones, good to hear from you!
Hi Adray. Great to here from you! I think we are in similar circumstances and have went through some of the same stepping stones. I like the jigsaw analogy, like all the pieces don't quite seem to fit together yet but hopefully one day they will be a complete picture. I think it is so inspiring that you have come out to so many people in your life and are doing some volunteering - I definitely want to get involved in something like that. I think especially as we are married and monogamous we don't have to come out and some people may not understand the motivations behind it. I think it is so liberating to just be yourself though without feeling like you are hiding anything or lying by omission and to reduce Bi invisibility.
