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Pronouns and Expectations

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by Jellal, Nov 4, 2016.

  1. Jellal

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    I've actually had some someone ask me what my personal pronouns are. The answer I gave was "I'll just go by whatever people call me, because I don't like raising expectations."
    The expectations I was talking about aren't other people's expectations but my own. I don't expect people to get my pronouns right. If I did then I would be constantly disappointed. I know because I've felt this before with my parents. The more I dwell on it the more it hurts me, and I know I shouldn't let such a stupid, small thing bother me so much.

    Do you guys think it's better that I try not to let pronoun matters bother me and just expect random people to get it wrong, or should I really stand up and try correcting these people? Right now I don't know what to do ... I don't want to correct people and get on their case, however I'm not certain shrugging it off entirely is smart either. I know some people prefer to be thick-skinned but what are your opinions?
     
  2. AaronV

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    I think you have every right in the world to expect people to use the correct pronouns. Sure, complete strangers might get it wrong and you don't need to correct a salesperson you're never going to see again, but you're definitely allowed to correct friends and family. I actually annoyed some people into using the correct pronouns for me, because in my honest opinion, my well being is more important than a little bit of annoyance on their part.
     
  3. DAFriend

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    Sometimes it's just easier on everyone to take the "I don't care what you call me as long as it isn't late to diner." approach.

    Does it really make that much difference as long as you and those closest to you know who you are?

    Sure I prefer "they" but, I do have a female body so, I'm going to be assumed to be female, that's just human nature. People aren't doing it to be mean or insult me, just basing their words on appearances. So unless you are going about looking like who you really are, then you can expect to be called what you appear to be.
     
  4. SystemGlitch

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    I believe it's important to be direct and assertive about my pronouns. Like Aaron said, I wouldn't correct someone in a store or a random person who called out to me on the street - but I wouldn't respond. I would completely blank them unless it was important (like if I dropped money or something), because they are directing their questions at a "miss" or "young lady" and I am neither so why would I answer? But when it comes to friends, or aquaintances/people I'll see more often, I correct them politely at first and more firmly if they are deliberately ignoring or not even trying. It is my right to be referred to in a way that is respectful of me and my identity, and it does them no harm at all to use words that make me comfortable instead of words that hurt me. Pronouns are a big deal to me, they show what someone is perceiving my gender to be and it causes me a lot of distress to be perceived as female.

    At the end of the day it is up to you whether to be assertive or to be lenient, and it is best to pick your moments if you do decide to correct someone (such as with the above salesperson situation). Definitely do not feel bad about wanting people to use the correct pronouns. Using words that make people comfortable is basic respect; no one is wrong for expecting or wanting that.
     
    #4 SystemGlitch, Nov 4, 2016
    Last edited: Nov 4, 2016
  5. EstoraIsSoQueer

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    It is important to assert your pronouns as it is something that everyone will relate to you. If someone refers to me as she I will just reply with "Actually my pronouns are they/them" and they usually remember. If it's uncomfortable and you feel it is unsafe, then do what you feel is right.
     
  6. Synesthesia

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    Not everyone can though. I think if it's someone you spend a lot of time with, politely correcting them shouldn't be seen as an outrageous thing. It's like if someone gets your name wrong.