Accepting that you might have been wrong all along

They sound like pretty legit feelings to me. Maybe you weren't wrong. Maybe the right/wrong way to describe doesn't fit these situations. Sounds like you really felt that way. Maybe if you dont feel attraction to the opposite sex right now, its' because you're confused and questioning. I questioned whether I was gay a few times too, but as I let go from time to time, I realized I'm not gay. I do like men, but I also like women. That's not to say nothing could have changed. But I do believe that if you truly felt a certain way, and it sounds like you did, then whether it was conditioning or not, it was still very legit

 

If you felt things, it was real. You'd know if they were false/off emotions and feelings. For myself, I didn't realize I was into women until I met someone at 25 that made me go into the spiral of questioning. But before that, I'd always been with men/had crushes on men. I never truly thought about being with a woman. I'd experimented with my best friend at the time, but I felt that anyone horny enough could sleep with their friend in the right situation (lol, no).

When I started liking a woman, I literally almost broke myself with the questioning. I went back and analyzed every detail and every interaction I'd ever had with the guys I'd been with or wanted to be with. I can tell you that I've hardly ever looked back and thought what you're expressing: super excited to have sex/happy about it afterwards. There were definitely times that did happen for me. I've had moments where my stomach flipped before kissing someone I liked. And even decent sex. But I was seriously detached. When I look back, that's what I see a lot of. But I do still find men attractive. I'd never totally take them off the plate, because through my self analyzing travels, I've accepted that we just like people, and that sexuality is fluid. Labels are a made up concept to fit into something. Obscurity is horrifying. And that's okay. I don't mind having something to label myself as either. I count myself as queer leaning toward women. I call myself gay, lesbian, queer, bi... I fall under all of them at different times. Some people don't. But sexuality and attraction have a spectrum, like everything in life. It's not just black and white.

You have to continue thinking about the way you feel. It's the only way to get to the bottom of your emotions/wants/needs. I feel like sex with men was a little forced and uncomfortable for me sometimes. Or that I was hyper focused on myself as opposed to really caring about them and how they felt. Eventually, before questioning, I didn't know if I could be with anyone because I was so dissatisfied in relationships. I thought I was just, broken in a way. Not able to have a relationship with men that went past sex for very long, and I'd often joke that it's all they were good for...and then I met this girl. And I felt everything I'd never felt before. Ever. At 25! That was vital for me when questioning.

For me, thinking that if I wasn't that interested in men, then I was resigned to a life alone. Me and my career. Me and maybe impregnation by an ice pop. Me and my career and freezer pop kid and dog. THAT to me is the pinnacle of social conditioning. That's heteronormativity at its height.

In the end. You can't fool yourself. You'll realize, eventually. And this phase really sucks, so make sure to take extra good care of your body and mind. Lots of stress.

 

If we all think that the byproduct of ourselves is because of social conditioning then humanity is doomed.

Human beings are governed by social norms because we are social beings. Even animals have certain social norms they follow and lead because they are social beings, too. Now, our traditions, religious beliefs (for those who have religion), customs, culture beliefs and many more --- these make us up as individuals, as a person. If they do not exist, then we will not have identity; we won't have knowledge. Without these things, we are blank slate. The difference between animals and humans is that we have the capacity to think, to go beyond and rise above the social make ups we inherited from our parents teachings, from the school authorities, from the society we live in, etc. We can change and choose to evolve in certain ways. We can choose not to be manipulated and brainwashed. "Know thyself," a famous teaching from a great philosopher. If you reach the stage wherein you fully know yourself, then you will be able to answer whether all what you've done for the past X years of your life is true or a lie. Only you can answer that. Only you can fully determine because whatever role the social conventions play in your life, YOU are the one who experienced the kiss, the first touch, the pain, the bliss, etc.

I always believe that if one is a hard-core straight, then he/she is straight no matter what. If you have a tendency for same sex attraction, then you have the tendency. It doesn't matter if the tendency comes at early stage of your adolescence, or at later stage of your adulthood. It is there, because it is part of you and no matter when and how, it will try to wake up inside of you to complete you as a person.

 

I think that gets a lot of people into a head trip that no one needs. Especially early in our self discovery. Society and, usually parents condition us to be straight and, of course we grow up trying to live up to those exceptions, even believe that we are hetero.

What they forget to tell you is that orientation and, even gender can be fluid and, it can stay in one place for a long time, then change, or flow to something different.

I doubt that was a lie for you at the time, whether because you totally repressed any non hetero attractions or desires or because you were actually hetero then, it wasn't a lie, it was who you believed you were then. Accept that time, and those memories for what they are, the life you lived and, the you that was then. Now go on and embrace who you are now and, the life still ahead of you.

 

Your memories -- "kissing him without anyone knowing" and "the joy of waking up together" -- def don't sound like social conditioning or big lies. They sound real. I mean, they even gave me the feelz.

We have a tendency to want to know "what" we are, as if that what is eternal, going all the way back in the past and forward in the future. But it's more like what I do now that counts. I did that then, I'm doing this now. That might sound wishy-washy, but here's another example.

Thinking of marriage as a thing makes it hard to see that it can ever change... as if the number 2 could somehow change into the number 3. But if you think of marriage something you do, then it's more like a word we use to describe how people behave. Then it can accommodate change, and expand to embrace new ways of pairing up.

 

I don't think accepting your sexuality means rejecting your past experiences or thinking of them as lies at all. Your expiriences with men in the past can be just as true and valid as your feelings for women now. Sexuality is fluid for many people. No one can tell you how authentic your experiences are/have been; only you can make that determination.

 

Wow, exactly! I could not see Saturday, my sight was blurry and I could not focus. The stress is horrible. The emotional moods...How do I move past this? Try 47 to be having this...

 

no reason to loose your memories or allow them to be tainted. they are precious, they are part of your journey, and they are who you were then; we all change and evolve, and they allowed you to be who you are today and who you will become tomorrow. besides, you can't re-write the past(*hug*)

 

All of your feelings resonate so much with me. It's taken me a long time to accept and understand my past in terms of what I now acknowledge about my orientation.

But the truth is, all of those experiences were valid and real and have been part of the whole journey.

It's hard to put the past into perspective, but those experiences are just as rich and important as any you have in your future path. This is what I'm trying to tell myself anyway. I'm mourning my past quite a lot right now.

 

The deeper I look into myself, the more I realise that the journey I've taken is likely the only one I could have taken. I stillhave some regrets about things I haven't done, women I haven't been open to, feelings I haven't expressed, things I haven't had the courage to explore. But I'm trying to let that go because I don't have regrets for the things I *have* done. I have had really wonderful experiences with the men I've been with. I felt really angry at myself for a while for getting married now that it's ending in divorce...but it's brought us a beautiful daughter. So as complicated as it is, it's life, and isuppose I have to take the good with the bad. It's not easy to let go of regret and I still struggle with it.

But I'm realising that my feelings and my experiences are quite complicated. And I suppose it makes sense that it's taken me so long to get to where I am.

Do you feel that you would have been ready to acknowledge who you are any earlier than this?

I think if you look at it from that perspective it helps to accept that you've started becoming more true to yourself at this point in your life.

I hope that helps a little.

 

I can relate to having confused feelings about the past, it's almost like reverse nostalgia. Instead of looking back and thinking that things were better than they were, you examine every memory and try to find cracks in the facade. Picking through for indications that your emotions weren't real, that there was something else underneath it all.

The problem with evaluating the past is that it's never quite accurate. Time alters your memories, for better or worse. And you're a different person now, perhaps more ready to see other paths ahead.

I find that it's far better to acknowledge your past but focus your energy on determining what you're feeling now. Then, you can look toward how you see your future.

 

A lot of things in life are not black and white and we can't fix that, as much as we'd like to sometimes. You don't sound like you're in denial. You sound honest and describe everything very fully. You're just getting around to owning the breadth of feelings and emotions you are capable of experiencing. It will unfold slowly.

Being off the ends of the Kinsey scale is not easy because a person has to reflect on how to manage the situation since it ripples through a lot of other things, including the impact it has on others we are capable of getting close to emotionally or physically. Try to remain as serene as possible while this unfolds and you become more in touch with your feelings and what you want to do.