Closet door slammed

A short time ago I posted this in Current Events. Why? Because it had to do with white hate towards others and there are many parallels to white hate and hate of LGBT people.

I suggest you read the article. The article also indicates that change can happen. And peoples minds can change.

http://emptyclosets.com/forum/lgbt-later-life/223913-teaching-hate-contempt-why.html

 

Disparaging a distant group as a whole is a heck of a lot easier for most people than disparaging family and friends.

It's human nature to fear what we do not understand and, one way of dealing with that is to belittle, hate or deride the thing we fear. When the unknown or misunderstood becomes the known and understood, the fear, and the coping mechanisms that go with it vanish.

Not always, there are those with hatred and fear so ingrained that it's impossible for them to break free, but, that is their shortcoming, not your.

 

Wow it's sad that there are still people not willing to accept someone's sexuality it's 2016 you would think things would change people assume being gay defines who you are but it's so much more then that your a human being with a heart and feelings be you be proud everyone deserves love if you fall down dust yourself off and get back up I came out to my Brother my Mom and my Dad and luckily it went good but I am terriefied of coming out to my sister because of how religious she is I'm spiritual but never considered myself religious

 

You say these are people you are very close to. I would question that; How close in any real sense can you be to people who don't know the real you.

It is very hard to deal with other peoples lack of acceptance yes. I framed and hung this on my wall:
" If you are willing to look at another persons behaviour toward you as a reflection of the state of their relationship with themselves rather than a statement about your value as a person, then you will over a period of time cease to react at all."
And then you will be free.

 

This sucks. I remember the feeling, having been around people with hateful views. I remember thinking none of my closest would accept or understand and it was pretty hard and depressing and definitely created a barrier. It was isolating. Strangely, once it was out they did. One by one they all surprised me. Now that's not always the case, but I'd say don't lose hope and don't let this stop you on your journey. Is there anyone is particular you can speak to, someone who you feel most comfortable with maybe.

 

just before I came out to my parents, my dad was telling a story about a store manager he was dealing with years ago.... and "he was a fucking queer" felt like a punch in the gut, smack in the face and a kick in the crotch; all at the same time. I came out the following week, he hasn't made comments like this since. my point is that things aren't always as bad as we think, both my evangelical parents accepted me completely, sometimes its ignorance (in the classic sense) that needs to be broken down, if you have no one close to you it's "those people" and if they drop you, as hard as that is, it's their loss. sometimes chosen family is better than those we are imposed with.

 

It is really sad when you are around people who you think would be your allies and they say something that contradicts your impression of them. That being said, I would echo the comment that others have made, namely that people say shi**y things about groups that they would never say to an individual, let alone to someone they love. It is a horrible character trait, but a true one. There are many people who have been converted from unexplored homophobia once they know someone they love who is gay. It definitely happens. But I completely understand how disheartening it is when confronted with it.

Just to challenge you, I would ask why you feel you can't say anything to counter their unflattering comments, even just as an ally? Are you worried they'd instantly think that you are gay? You could always counter that by saying that that's the problem with homophobia in America, that you can't say anything positive about LGBT people without facing allegations. Isn't that the definition of homophobia? To be so afraid of something that you can't even defend it? Most (good) people would deny the label of being homophobic. This might be a good way to challenge their thinking. Just a thought

 

Hi Ksatt
I know exactly where you're coming from. And please don't take this as a criticism because I don't mean it like that at all but u should be able to defend lgbtq people no matter what your orientation. I often do it in where I work if the conversation cones up. Because I'm married (closet bisexual) they kind of assume I'm just a straight guy with big opinions on gay rights. But I never worry its going to accidentally out me. The only person in the world who knows I'm bi actually works with me so she often witnesses my lgbtq defence speeches she just says nothing but we laugh about it afterwards.
On a different level I once raised the question to my wife while we were watching Grace & Frankie (about two married men who come out) what she would do if I came out. She just laughed and said "your not gay" I said we'll what if I was bi? She just looked repulsed and said "and you'd kept it a secret our whole relationship and marriage?". Then she went back to watchin the tv oblivious to what had just happened. I sat there for a minute or two with tears rolling down my face without her even noticing and quietly left the room. So is it easy - no. It sure isn't. And sometimes it's easy to defend and talk about and sometimes it's not. But when people you love say things that hurt - they hurt. But I suppose of they knew they wouldn't want to hurt us so they wouldn't say those things - but then you would wonder are they still thinking them....
I don't have answers - but I know exactly what you're talking about!

 

Sux but objectively, were some doing what you were doing? Going along with it? Another question is, was it personal attacks or misinformed yet intellectual opinions?

I always try to look at the reasoning behind the words, especially if I'm apt to take something personally. Often, if I can manage to figure out how to look objectively, I'll manage to assess the situation better.

And someone did mention that once it becomes personal, would that person really feel that way if it meant losing a family member? You can be in the closet or perhaps, you can become a teacher.

Not easy but in my experience, staying in the closet when you want out, kills your soul. But that is just me. I NEED to be authentic. Some people don't.

 

While it is easy to criticize your family and friends for saying those hurtful things, that's not going to help you grow as a person who is ready to come out of the closet. You need to look at this situation from a different perspective, one that you probably don't want to hear.

You don't have to put up with their homophobic remarks in your own home. You choose to put up with their homophobic remarks because that was easier than standing up for who we are. You let your own fears stop you. You found safety in the closet.

I suspect the situation would have been different had you chosen not to put up with their homophobic remarks.

You could have simply stated your support for LGBT rights and asked your guests to refrain from making such remarks in your house. Once you come out, things will be totally different. As others have pointed out, it's much easier to criticize a group of anonymous people. It's more likely they would not have made such remarks once they know a gay person such as yourself. You can change their perception of gay people.

Hopefully you will reflect on how you could have handled this differently and next time you find yourself in this situation you will act differently.

 

I understand and respect that we have different perspectives based on where we are in the coming out process. I think you misunderstood where I was coming from. We both agree that you could have handled things differently or more specifically that you let your fear keep you from reacting with integrity. Where we appear to disagree is whether you have the option of defending the LGBT community even though you are firmly in the closet. I contend that you can defend the LGBT community while in the closet (think ally) and clear your home of the homophobic remarks. You will discover that it really is that simple once you begin to break your own chains. The dynamics will be totally different once you come out, though I wasn't advocating that you come out before you are ready.

 

What's done is done, and there's no point beating yourself up for past actions you cannot change. You've learned from the experience so that next time you will honor your home and community by standing up for what you believe.

I know that it's difficult to process all these feelings while coming out; there are so many lies to untangle and separate from the truth. I challenged you to examine yourself outside your comfort zone, and you did a great job finding the truth! As you stand up for yourself more and more, you will reach a point where everything becomes very clear and you will be joyous that you are living as who you were born to be.

Love from EC

(&&&)