I identify as ftm, maybe nb ftm. Recently, I have made some ftm friends, and some of them pass more, some not so much, but seeing as they identify as males, I'd never even think to call them anything else. When it comes to me, however, it's a different story, it's like I'll look at my body, or just randomly remember that I'm biologically female, and there'll be like that voice in my head going 'you're not a guy, just look at your body', something along the lines of that Does anyone else experience thoughts like that? or does anyone have any ideas where this could come from / how I could get it to not happen as much or at all anymore?
I definitely get that. I sort of consider it a form of dysphoria. It serves no useful purpose, it just makes me feel bad. >.<
Yep, all the time. You aren't alone. Whenever I hear my voice and people use female pronouns, the little voice in my head goes "give it up, you don't have the guts to transition. Just accept how people see you". But never give in bud, never. Don't let it direct you or cloud your judgement. Fear is healthy because it keeps us sharp but it can overshadow all other senses. Keep moving forward, in any way that you can.
Yep, that happens to me too. Its even dumb because for all of my friends who "don't pass" or whatever, or used to have bad friends that would talk shit about them "not being trans enough" or whatever, I still always see them as who they really say that they are, but I feel like a fraud or like I'm not real/good enough even though some of us don't look any different from one another, or get misgendered just as often and stuff like that, etc. I think the key is just learning that you have nothing to feel guilty about because there are people out there who admire you and whom you give bravery to by being yourself, and you have nothing to be shameful about because you are just as good as those whom are like you- that's why you're just like them!! No trans person is lesser than any other, that's why we have a community.
Having doubts is not equivalent to transphobia, such words should not be thrown around lightly. You're fine, you simply feel unsure and that's ok. Everyone goes through it at one point or another, for different periods of time depending on the individual.
I get that, and it's a mix of low self esteem and dysphoria for me. I don't really have a way to get rid of it. My dysphoria's gonna do what it wants whether I want it to or not.
I actually have been planning to talk with my therapist about this at my next appointment. I have a really hard time with pronouns. I hate being referred to as male but I feel really awkward asking people to use female pronouns. Just like you said I look in the mirror and say "who are you kidding". Ive always proceeded under the assumption that hrt will cause enough changes that I'll find a natural tipping point where it's time to switch pronouns, but now that I've got my letter and see the doctor in 8 days I'm starting to have some doubts. Naturally I'm worried I won't get the results I'm hoping for, but I'm also starting to think that the problem is in my head and I need to overcome that.
I have these feelings also. Not with trans friends that I have, but with watching trans people on YouTube. I've never thought to refer to them as anything but their preferred gender. But with me, its completely different. I'm not sure that it's necessarily internalized transphobia. I've come to think of it as dysphoria.
I feel you too. I always valued logic over emotions. Now these two differ and me as a very rational person should probably realize that my chromosomes aren't going to change. And I should probably stop complaining and behaving like a stupid child.
