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New here--introducing myself

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by elizabeth79, Oct 25, 2016.

  1. elizabeth79

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    Hi All,

    I am so glad to have found this forum. This is my first post. I'll try to keep it short. My name is Elizabeth and I am 37 years old. I have been married to a man for almost 16 years. We have no children (by choice). We have two dogs. I haven't ever regretted marrying my husband but as the years have gone by I have realized I am not heterosexual. I used to think I was bisexual, and while I do think that is a very legitimate sexual orientation, I have come to realize it is not me. I am a lesbian. I came out to my husband two years ago. We agreed to have an open marriage. Up until lately I haven't ever found a woman I really really like. I've had sex with a few but that's it. Well, now I have found a woman who I really like and who really likes me. In fact we have both talked about a future together. I used to think I could stay married to my husband and have a girlfriend at the same time. However, I now realize that will be impossible for me. I now realize I have to decide if I want to stay married to my husband or if I want to get a divorce and be a lesbian. I'm a lesbian anyway. I'm just disguising that fact by being in a marriage to a man. I love my husband and always will. However, I am not in love with him anymore. Our relationship is more like a very comfortable friendship. I no longer enjoy sex with him. It feels like a chore. I am not attracted to guys at all anymore sexually. Coming out at my age is going to be very hard. My husband knows and a few close friends know. That's about it. I'm mainly worried about coming out to my mother. Anyway, I just wanted to say hello and let everyone know I'm here. Like I said, I'm glad to have found this forum. I hope to meet like-minded people, regardless of your gender or sexual orientation. I just want to be able to talk to people who know what I am going through. Thank you for reading my post.

    Elizabeth
     
  2. Really

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    Welcome to EC, you've come to the right place. :slight_smile:
     
  3. hrcbho1

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    Elizabeth,

    Welcome! I know what it's like to struggle with your sexual identity and just know that you are not alone. I'm not in the same situation necessarily, but I'm a bi guy in my 30s, married, and in the closet. I struggled for years trying to understand my identity and my feelings, and it's only been recently that I've come to accept who I am. I also know what it's like to lose interest in your sex life with your spouse. For me, our sex life is so basic that I find myself fantasizing for most of it, and a lot of it involves guys. If it helps at all, I can't even find the courage to come out as bi to any of my close friends, so I can only imagine the struggle that you are dealing with. Just know that this forum has so many understanding people who have thoughtful, supportive, and helpful advice, and I hope that joining this site and discussing your situation will prove helpful to you.
     
  4. stretching

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    Hi there, Great to 'meet' you. Your post sounds very familiar, and like maybe something I'll write in a couple of years. Right now I'm only out to myself and am perched on the edge of telling my husband and then who knows?? Maybe life will change drastically, maybe not. I don't even know if I'm looking forward to being with a woman... right now I just don't want to hide my authentic self anymore, at least not from my current partner.

    I wish you all the best as you navigate this next chapter in your story. You can feel free to share here, it is a very supportive space.
     
  5. I'm gay

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    Hi Elizabeth,

    I'm 10 years older than you and have been married for 20 years and have two kids. I came out to my wife 4 months ago. I too lost interest in sex years ago. I had to finally determine that I am gay and not anything else I convinced myself of in many different ways over the years, and then realize that I needed to be with a man and divorce my wife.

    I think you will find many people here who recognize parts of your story in theirs, as do I. Coming to terms with the fact that I never really loved my wife in the way I was supposed to love her as a heterosexual man was a difficult and long process. I had convinced myself long ago that I did love her, and that my love was enough. It wasn't, and I was fooling myself to believe that the love I have for her was more than the love of deep friendship, companionship, and caring. I figured sexual attraction must be overrated because I didn't see the big fuss. Duh! Wow, was I blind to that.

    As hard as it will be for you and your husband, don't you think that in the end your husband deserves to be with a woman who can love him the way he needs?
     
  6. LostInDaydreams

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    Welcome to EC. :slight_smile:

    I can relate to a lot of the things in your post. I hope you find the support you need here.
     
  7. Quantumreality

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    Hello Elizabeth! Welcome to EC!:slight_smile:
     
  8. CubbieBlue

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    Hi and welcome! This is a very supportive community and many of us can relate to some or much of what you're going through.
     
  9. Adray

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    Hi Elizabeth, welcome to EC!

    Thanks for sharing your story. I've been coming out as bisexual this year. I came out to my mother last month. It was a lot of stress... right up until I said it to her... then she supported me, and it was like a huge weight was lifted. Everybody's journey is different, but I hope yours goes as well as mine has. Good luck, and keep posting...
     
  10. elizabeth79

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    Thanks for all your replies. This is a very welcoming community!
     
  11. caliwoman

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    Hi Elizabeth!

    Just wanted to say hello and that everyone you wrote resonated with me, so you def aren't alone!
     
  12. RosePetals76

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    Nice to meet you. I'm 34 and divorced from a man, and I have 3 sons. Just came out this year. I'd hidden behind a bi label to validate my attractions to women, but being married to a man for a long time. Now I'm fully out as a lesbian and in a relationship with a wonderful woman.

    Good luck on your journey. You'll find great support here.
     
  13. nbd

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    Hi Elizabeth,

    Another voice chiming in to say that you are not alone. I am happy for you that you found a woman that you are attracted to and see a future with, even if it means making some very difficult decisions concerning your husband. Your discussion of your relationship with your husband is very familiar to me. I too love my husband dearly, but we are more like best friends than romantic partners at this point. I do not look forward to sex, but I am hoping that with some therapy I can work on changing that. I've only recently begun questioning my sexuality and consider myself bisexual....though if I am being completely honest, I think it goes further than that. We have young kids, though, so I'm desperate to make this work for the sake of our family. It's a long road ahead.