True Tea

This is part of an issue that I've tried discussing with people, but because everyone has their own view or own take on something it all gets jumbled together, especially in the media and now you have a lot of dissent and ignorance everywhere.
What I mean is, to me I see two different 'transgender' communities.

1. Is a legitimate medical condition (Some say illness, and while it has a stigma whether it's true or not becomes semantics), proven by science, is biological, and has always been around since antiquity. Those that suffer from it typically have life-long feelings or knowledge of their gender issue from a young age and without correction become increasingly distressed typically from puberty onwards. It's based on the idea that gender is hard-wired into a person, and as such those who are trans feel strong discomfort with their physical body(sex), and because their brain is more aligned to one gender over the other their typical behaviour matches that. It's not just about clothes or how society treats you, it permeates your being and body.

2. Is a more 'progressive' or postmodern notion of gender. It follows the idea that a person may not be 'happy' with their gender, for any variety of reasons, at any stage of life, and as the owner of their own body they can choose to identify or present however they like given any reason they believe in. It largely revolves around gender expression more than full identity. Many in this camp claim gender is fluid instead of hard-wired, that it may change daily, that there are more than 2 genders, so on and so forth. While their feelings may be genuine, I think it actually does a disservice to the trans people that have fought hard to be taken seriously and be understood as an anomaly within society, that work very hard to be stealth and be 'seen' as cis.

Some may fall in between both camps a bit as well, but this is why there is a lot of disagreement over the transgender issue... Within the 'transgender' community itself. Some are seeking to re-define gender, or believe it to be irrelevant, while others think gender stereotypes in some cases may be societal constructs; do believe that men and women are fundamentally different.

I do believe myself a person may go through 'phases' of gender feeling that can indeed change daily or even from morning to night, or last as long as months/years, but I feel it's different from identity which is ingrained.

I can't really give a strong answer to your thoughts and concerns because only you know yourself, but as for wondering how much is within the cisgender norm, I do know many girls that hate their boobs and periods and the way they get looked at in society; but are still women or can live with it enough to go on. I know many men that hate being gruff and tough, hate facial hair, never crying, dislike their genitals, etc; but are still men and can accept it for what it is. I think it's up to the individual for themselves to understand when they feel like they can live with their sex or when they feel they can no longer live as their sex.

Also touching on what you said about how you behaved as a child vs how you felt inside, men and women for the by and large do act the same. I think a lot of people put unwanted attention or focus on these things, when really it's not a big deal. I know women who are tough as nails and rock their attitude, and guys that act a bit more submissive but rock their attitude. If you swapped their gender it'd probably be very hard to tell if one was acting specifically girly or specifically boyish.

Your thought feelings and concerns are all valid and worthy of basic respect. Sometimes it can be hard to talk on these things because as you said there is shaming, or stigma, or strong/controversial feelings on the matter. You're you regardless of everything else, and everyone has struggles, yours are no less real though they may be unique to you. This doesn't mean everyone will agree with you, but far be it from anyone to deny you of your right to speak or let yourself be known.

I personally don't condemn people for soul searching or trying to understand their feelings in an honest and truthful manner. What I am more likely to condemn is people blindly showing support in ignorance on things that may lead to others being in ignorance; even to the endangering of their own health.

An example to me is when people question their gender, a lot of people may be quick to jump on the bandwagon that suddenly they're trans and that they should fully embrace it. Yet there is a reason doctors psychologists and medical professionals say a person has to have these feelings for years and even live their life openly in such a way for years before they'll take the matter very seriously. It's to protect them, and to filter out those that are just going through a phase or a crisis. Afterall hormones cause major body changes, and for transwomen it makes them sterile. It's not to be taken lightly, and is a very serious concern. Frequent blood tests happen, the chance of stroke or clotting increases. It's not a game or a fun new way to express oneself, it's life and death.


I know I typed a lot so if you or others read it all thank you for your patience. I hope you're feeling okay, try not to overthink it, take it day by day, you're beautiful and very much loved, and chin up it'll work out =]

 

'If you haven't behaved boyish from the start you're not trans and you have to be a lesbian' what the hell? What does sexuality have to do with that. Your GP sounds a bit ignorant.

This is kind of why I don't want to talk about my stuff with a therapist, I reckon I'll get the same kind of response even though I wouldn't be trying to convince them to let me transistion just need to talk things through with a proffesional if such a thing exists.. I live in the UK too.

Yep that's true, questioning gender is a shit place to be. There's this idea that it's OK to have a period of discovery for sexuality but with gender it's a black/white thing you should always be 100% sure about. It's ironic really because you kind of have to have your stuff together before seeing a gender therapist it seems, and tell them what they want to hear. Backwards almost.

 

I can definitely relate to you, a little over two years ago I was in a similar place that you are in now.

I was assigned female at birth, and growing up I played with barbies and stuffed animals, drew, and wore dresses now and then. I wasn't a tom-boy. I was never sporty. I had one or two other quiet friends as a child. And I picked flowers and rocks at recess. I had long hair all my life until my 3rd year of college when I started figuring out my gender. No one would have suspected a thing - people might have noticed depression - but other than that, no.

I didn't fit the normative idea of the trans experience.

When I cut my hair from chest length to shorter than a pixie cut in one day at age 20, people were very surprised. When I came out as trans people were surprised to say the least. But after the initial shock and surprises, what I found the most validating, were the countless comments people made about how I shine brighter now.


I think a lot of people believe that gender is connected with toys, clothes, and interests. But I know a lot of cis men who liked to draw or play with stuffed animals growing up. Cultures gender clothes, toys, and characteristics, but these things aren't gender identity, and people have a hard time understanding this. Gender identity - the feeling of who you are - its a very abstract concept and personal thing, and because its not a norm in society to actively think about gender identity it can be difficult - especially for cisgender people - to understand.

But I think over time - through education and being exposed to people who deviate from gender norms and expectations, people's perspectives of gender shifts. It really sucks at first, and people can say some awful things, and sometimes it gets better and sometimes it doesn't. But at the level of understanding yourself for yourself, I've found that when I'm most in touch with my gender, it defies words. I simply feel more authentic and people can tell that I'm happier when I'm more in touch with that part of myself.

When I cut my hair short for the first time my favorite compliment was a peer who told me, "its like your soul is shining brighter." I hadn't even come out as trans at that point yet.


This process definitely takes time, but know that your gender is valid, and you are valid in whatever stage you are at currently.

I hope this helps some