Losing Hope in Finding Love

Straight dating isn't too easy either, that's as much as I can say. Just the pool is x times larger. Have you tried showing up in person in some LGB places/parties/clubs/etc in your area? Just socialising a bit, getting to know a bunch of people.

 

I despair a little every time I go clubbing or something. Usually I have some guy after me and depending on how I'm feeling ill either leave him or entertain him for a bit and both make me feel sorta hopeless. Sometimes then I'll look for a girl and... There's just no way of picking up girls.

I know that's different from relationships which is even harder because there are so many factors to take into account but I sort of see just that miserable situation at clubs as a microcosm of my larger dating prospects.

Obviosuly what I need to do to fix that basic clubbing situation is go to more gay clubs and i will but I just feel like if I could be more into just one of these guys everything would be far easier. And just as I predicted this has been spreading into my larger life. Now I have a male friend who seems head over heels for me and I know I could have him if I wanted... But I am just so indifferent to his affections its painful to interact with him half the time.

So yeah I get it... you sort of want to be able to date people around you that you share interests with, not random people off apps and such, but queer girls are bloody invisible like a needle in a bloody haystack or something. And yeah, I do actually know some that are sort of irritating too.

 

Meh, I feel the same way, so I can't really help you, but I can relate to how you feel. My issue is that I have kids and I find that a lot to women do not or not as many as I do which is fine. I mean, I was in a LTR for over 10 years on and off so what'd you expect.

Also, I've been to school, I have a degree and I'm working two jobs. I'm not into partying anymore, so I'm looking for someone who's more settled in life. It just seems like it's so hard to find someone who wants the same things as you, and if you do then they're not your type or whatever. And I'm honestly not a picky person at all when it comes to looks.

I suppose you could always say forget the dating sites and meet someone IRL. If you find someone attractive then approach them. There's no harm in trying...

 

I'm sorry but I just don't understand this:

Unless you plan to live off them, I don't see why they need to have a well-paying job? If you want to find love, as you put it, you should look for personality, similar hobbies, etc., not how many non-art degrees they have, and how much money they make. And really, who would disclose such information on a dating profile anyway (except those who specifically look for gold diggers).

Just talk to them, see how they write, and you can learn how smart, intellectually compatible they are. What they do (or not do) doesn't define them. Or you know, just find someone through work, friends so they will be "acceptable" and more on your level.

 

Not all of us can afford a good education or good paying jobs. I'm 26 years old and I'm only now trying get my GED and high school diploma. I had to drop out during my freshman year due to circumstances, and can barely afford college right now but am working on it.

Also, guess what? This isn't a gay thing either. I'm the only non-straight person in my class and I'm also the second youngest. People in their 30's and 60's (all straight) are all there in class with me, trying to make it through life. Many have children.

This is not related to the LGBT community. This is a society problem, and especially an America problem. A lot of americans cannot afford college, cannot get help with mental illness to manage school, cannot find anyone who will hire them (even after college, my uncle has a computers degree but works minimum wage since nobody wants him), and so on and so forth.

Even if you became straight, you would also find men in the same situation, as I am telling you....many are. There is a 60 year old man in my class still trying to get his diploma.

There's nothing wrong with having dealbreakers, but again, your complaints are not a gay thing. They are a people and society problem.

I don't like how so many people want casual sex or sex to test before a relationship, but if I became straight and went on a dating site, I'd still have the same problem. Because this is a society problem, and not a gay problem. It will take longer for me to find someone who shares my values, but at least It'll be worth it. Finding someone you are compatible with is not easy, gay or straight.

 

This obviously.( I'm so glad university is mostly free here)


In my experience a lot of gay women dress differently from straight women or have a more " artsy" job because they don't have to fill a certain social role but fill another instead as some things are simply part of the scene. Most people that aim for success don't dress and behave in "gay-scene-style" from what I've seen but that doesn't mean they aren't active there. Still those women are less likely to use a specified dating app as they don't fit the "usual expectations". People on dating apps will present themselves in a certain way because it is expected from them.

All that aside: Dating apps aren't necessarily the best way of getting to know someone as a person. The way someone writes or acts on screen is usually very different from reality especially if there are certain expectations and goals within the app. I think it might be beneficial to you to try to get to know people without any deeper intent behind it before progressing things further , backwards as that sounds.
Also ruling people out based on a certain criteria is never a good idea when searching for love.

 

Truly the best way to meet people who could be potential mates is by common group activity and shared interests. That's what we were supposed to learn in the early dating process. Many of us didn't learn how to date and find people because we were not allowed the heteronormative dating rituals and teaching.

Yes, this is not exclusively an LGBT issue, and the challenges of finding and keeping a mate exist for us all, but that challenge is further hampered for LGBT people because of society's failure to include our LGBT youth.

 

I think you are being a bit harsh and a bit dramatic here OP!

Obviously, I have no idea what type of girls you saw nor what their profil said but to say you were "completely repulsed" by some of them is, in my opinion, a bit much.

It seems like you've completely judged those girls right off the bat and haven't even tried to have a proper talk with them, they may very well could have surprised you.

Like many have said, education isn't free especially if you live in a country like America where getting a bachelor degree means being on debt for a great part of your life with no real guarantee of getting a job.

Like Night Rain asked, why is it so important to you that these girls have a "well-paying" job, surely for them to have a job and ideally one they like is enough ? I wouldn't even dare to ask someone how much they earn.

I can see why low self-esteem and general lack of motivation can be a turn off though as they would be for me as well.

Personally I don't care whether the girl is going or have been to Uni nor if she has a job as long as she has goals and objectives and is working towards them. I have had some really great chat and connections with girls who had stopped studying after high school or were doing low-paid jobs, because culture and general knowledge have little to do with school and all to do with how curious you are to look up things and research things you don't know about. It would have been a real shame for me to miss out on those girls under the assumption that they couldn't be interesting because they never made it to uni or didn't get paid X amount of money a month.

As a bi woman I have had the "joy" of trying both dating world and you would be very disappointed by the other side of the fence as it's as bad if not worse than it is on this side. If you were straight you would find the same amount (if not more) of guys who have stopped going to school at a early age and would rather spend their day playing video games in their mother's basement than find a job, you would also notice that most guys will tell you they are looking for something serious while all they are hoping for is a one night stand. You'll also probably find a lot of them boring at best and extremely cocky. The grass really isn't greener on the other side of the fence.

I think you need to make a list of what exactly you are looking for and order them by importance, like pick what really matters to you and what is negotiable, for example her having a degree if she has a job or her having a job if she is studying or seem to have the motivation necessary to achieve her future goals.
Also try and open your mind, talk to people even if you think you may not click at first as you can't actually know until you've tried.


Good luck OP and don't give up ! x (*hug*)

 

Yes, it's frustrating. I've tried dating apps and what I got was all looking for a quick bang. It's hard to find someone who can carry a conversation and have a click with especially for most bi married woman or man.

 

Lora, I think it's because most people looking for something serious wouldn't go for someone who is married? Personally threesomes and sharing someone with another person isn't what I am into so I usually end the conversation as soon as I find out the person I am talking to is in a relationship.

I also have a hard time understanding what would be in it for me ? Surely the married woman gets a thrill out of being with both a man and a woman and the husband gets turn on by the thought but what do I get, as a single woman, out of it ? Apart from being used as some sort of toy to fulfill another woman/couple's fantasy.

Just curious because often the women who are in a relationship that I turn down often try to sell me the idea as if it's something amazing but I genuinely fail to see why getting involved with a woman who is either married or in a relationship is worth it for me when they are so many single women out there who could be focus solely on me and that I wouldn't have to share with a man.

PS: I don't look down on open-relationship or threesomes at all, I am actually very supportive of other people's choices of life and who knows what I could get up to in a couple of years ( ), but I genuinely wonder about that as it seems so common these days.

 

Your rationale is possibly the very reason why bi married people are turned down. However, we are what we are. As for myself, it doesn't mean because I'm married, it means my bisexuality...my attraction to women ends. And it's not for threesome (I'm not a fan nor my husband) or husband watches me while making out with another woman. I'm sure a lot of bi married women are longing for that particular nearness with another women. That's what I am feeling right now. I belong to minority group and it sucks because some people like you think and ask, why would one settle for bi married women when she can have a single one who can completely focus to her? If I were single, I would probably think the same way. Having said that, I think if you really like the person or to the point of being inloved, none of these would matter anyway. It all boils down to how much the person mean to you. Unfortunately, in this generation, you are already kicked out before you can even prove yourself worthwhile to someone.

 

I would suggest finding polyamory groups rather than open relationship ones. The latter just looks for sex, while the former is more interest in relationships and such.

 

Thanks for explaining me how you see things, as it's nice to hear the other side of the fence.

I totally understand that for you, as a bisexual married woman, it must be hard to not get that part of your sexuality fulfilled. It's true that I have a bit of a hard time relating as my bisexuality seems to be working differently from yours ( I like both, though do prefer women, but don't need both to feel fulfilled. I get how hard it can possibly be for someone who actively need both to be fully happy though.)

To be honest, polyamorous relationship isn't unheard of and I know many people/women are actually into this. Would it be a possibility for you to talk to other women in open-marriage or relationship ? I think they would be more likely to look for the same thing as you than a single woman and would probably understand you better as well.

 

Thanks Creativemind and Linning. I didn't think about that polyamory group. I'm pretty new to this thing although I've known for the last decade that I could swing both ways.