1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Bi Married: Does your spouse know?

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by CubbieBlue, Oct 21, 2016.

  1. CubbieBlue

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Nov 10, 2014
    Messages:
    161
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    Chicago
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    This is for all people that came out (to either themselves or their spouses) to their husband or wife that you are bisexual or just have thoughts (sexual or romantic) about the same sex. How do they deal with it now that they know? How do you? How do you deal with it together? Do you ever talk about it? My wife and I still struggle with this
     
  2. Lemongrass

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Dec 31, 2015
    Messages:
    48
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    TX
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Thanks for bringing up this topic, Cubbie. I came out to my partner of 16 years (may as well be married) last December. 45 at the time, I was very much a late bloomer...never had same sex thoughts growing up or early adult years, but slowly developed during my adult life. I've only had one same-sex experience in my lifetime, so have little real world experience, so still question whether the thoughts I have will always be in the fantasy realm or if they are indicative of a need for actualization. Exploring from within the boundaries of an opposite sex relationship is quite limited to say the least, but I'd rather not throw away a good relationship with someone who is in it 100% for something that just might turn out to be a fantasy.

    As for her, she has been very supportive. It was a relief to finally let her know, and to some extent for her as well, as she felt I was holding back but she didn't know why, and assumed it must have been that I wasn't attracted to her. Her main concern is that I might decide later on that I am not bisexual but in fact homosexual, and in that case we'd have to end the relationship. It's a scary thought, but open communication has been so much better than the years where it just sat in my head being mostly unaddressed.

    Best of luck with your own situation...how long have you been out to your wife?
     
  3. caliwoman

    caliwoman Banned

    Joined:
    May 3, 2016
    Messages:
    364
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Los Angeles
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Straight but curious
    I'm a mid-30's married female and I just came out to him/myself about a few months ago. We're relatively new at this and it ain't looking good.

    How do they deal with it now that they know?
    He's not fond of it, at all. He hates it. He's constantly worried that I'm going to leave him for a woman.

    How do you?
    I struggle with it. I still wonder if I am or not. There is a part of me that is still in denial.

    How do you deal with it together?
    Not very well. I went on a date with a woman and made out with her and he wasn't happy. He said if I had made out with a man, that he would have divorced me.

    Do you ever talk about it?
    We're barely getting along and struggling with separating and moving away from one another.
     
  4. CubbieBlue

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Nov 10, 2014
    Messages:
    161
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    Chicago
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Lemongrass, I've been out to her 2 years ago. We talked about it a bit back then but now we barely bring it up. I've seen a counselor since then and been able to work some things out with myself. We talk about it once in a while when I bring it up.

    Caliwoman, I'm so sorry to hear that it is not going well with your husband. Have you tried talking to someone about this? Has he? I know my wife confided in a couple of friends when I first told her. But we're still figuring things out. Though I have never been with anyone since her, I do have a cousin who's wife slept with another woman. They worked it out. Him and I have never talked about it though. I'm not sure if they talk about it or not. Hope this is helpful.

    Thank you both for answering my questions. I've been struggling lately with my sexuality. Part of me wants to be free and talk about it more and explore things but part of me feels funny about it.
     
  5. Lora

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Oct 3, 2016
    Messages:
    148
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    New York
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    My husband is supportive but who knows when he's gonna be insecure. I had sex with one woman long time ago before marriage. Came out to husband when we were saying. I've been predominantly straight for 9 yes until I developed feelings again for same sex recently. I haven't told my husband about it as he said he didn't need details but he wanted to be informed when I act out to the next level which is the sexual stage. I really like this woman but I'm not having luck. I'm happy with my husband's reaction and support as he said he cannot satisfy the 20% of me ( 80% straight, 20% not so straight). I hope your spouse will come into terms to your sexuality.
     
  6. Adray

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Feb 11, 2016
    Messages:
    373
    Likes Received:
    8
    Location:
    Illinois, USA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    My wife has known I'm bisexual for a long time. We didn't talk about it often, but it was always present. She's been very supportive, we've done pegging, shared fantasies and watched queer porn together. Her main concern was that we both remain monogamous. No real-life relationships except with her. But fantasy, role-play, etc., in the bedroom were all fine. I think she may have had concerns that my orientation would change to gay and I'd lose my attraction to her, but that's never happened. 15 years of marriage, I'm still bisexual, still love her.

    This past year, I did a lot of thinking about my orientation. I've been bisexual all my adult life, attracted to men and women, and it really hasn't changed at all. But being in an opposite-sex marriage meant that everyone automatically assumed we were both straight, which was okay for a while, but eventually the closet started bothering me. I felt I wasn't being honest, wasn't really being me with others. I did a lot of reading and thinking. I told my wife last winter that I wanted to come out publicly, that it was important to me. She was a little concerned how others (particularly her family) would react, but she was ready to support me. Having a good relationship and a promise of monogamy was really important. She wasn't concerned that others knew she was married to a bisexual man, but she didn't want people thinking I was cheating, or looking for men on the side. So she supported me and actually made it an important point to her that I stress as I was coming out that I'm bisexual, not gay. She even bought me some bi flag pride items.

    So I came here on EC, met some great folks, got some good advice, and have been coming out to friends and family over the past 6 months. It's been an amazing journey, and I would definitely do it again. But my god, the stress of coming out to some of the people in my life... was pretty intense for me. I know it varies by person, for some it's easy. I'm an introvert, so coming out about my sexuality is an effort every time. It does get easier, a little bit, though. And word spreads, I haven't had to tell everyone. Most have been supportive.

    Sorry about the long post. It's really worked out great for me, but I'm 100% sure I'm bisexual and 100% happy being married and monogamous. That's just me. And for my wife, the important elements are staying monogamous and stressing that I'm bi, not gay. There is totally nothing wrong with gay, but if I was gay, that would mean I'm not attracted to my wife, which is both not true and something she doesn't want anyone worrying about.

    Good luck, I hope you find your best path and happiness!
     
  7. Confused1988

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Feb 29, 2016
    Messages:
    6
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Nsw
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    My husband found out about a year ago, I didn't come out to him, I'd kept it to myself for quite sometime but he came across soemthing in my phone and it all unraveled from there and not exactly in the most positive manner.
    We both seem to deal with it by not talking about it, if something comes on TV or on the radio about bisexuality he may something jokingly or it's really awkward. He hates it and it's definitely not something we talk about. I want to be more open about but I play it all down in order to not make him insecure. In saying that, I have come out to a couple of my close friends, two just today in fact and that feels really good, to be open and myself around important people in my life.
    I'm not sure what's in store for my husband and I but I do know that my bisexuality isn't going to be something he's ever 100% ok with.
     
  8. Prinzess

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Oct 20, 2016
    Messages:
    13
    Likes Received:
    4
    Location:
    Vienna
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    I came out almost a year ago because of the feeling of guilt and, at the same time, her impresssion that I didn't love her anymore. We were growing apart, me with my infidelities and my inner silent sexual revolution and my life partne, immersed in work and trying to understand what is going on in our lives. Zero intimacy for a long long time. I thought it was going to end, I really did. I was already preparing mentally for a divorce and turning my whole life towards a future I never took in account. It was pretty intense, still is, especially since we always depended on each other and moreover we had recently moved thousand km from home and already felt isolated because of the different culture we had to accustom to.
    Fact is, the day came when I no longer wanted to hide. Hard to describe how emotionally intense it was. We spoke calmly, about everything that day and on several occasions afterwards. I remember the whole month afterwards how light I felt and chatty and outgoing...I know it's crazy, but coming out has been for me the hardest thing thing to "swallow" with the longest ever high.

    Anyway 1 year later - we have a sort of open relationship with rules and exceptions, each his own counsellor and I keep finding stuff about me I was either blind to or ... maybe I'm just going completely insane. Whatever is going on with me, my wife is still the most important thing in my life and she has been amazingly supportive and accepting with too many things . So much so that I feel like a wreck lately, for having asked of her the things I asked and having tested the limits of our marriage in the most selfish ways.
     
  9. Lemongrass

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Dec 31, 2015
    Messages:
    48
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    TX
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Thanks again for Cubbie for starting this thread, and for everyone contributing their stories. After months of putting the subject of my bisexuality on the back burner, it decided to come back in full force, so hearing everyone's accounts really does help end the isolation.

    Adray mentioning how he has come out to many of his friends and family reminds me how few I have come out to: my girlfriend and about 4 other friends. I'm hesistant to come out to my conservative parents because it will simply be awkward, and given that I am remaining in a heteronormative relationship, will just confuse them. I thought of telling other people, but have come to realize how small a group of people I really trust and can confide in. I feel most people would have this "Why are you telling me this" mindset, especially as I am in an opposite sex relationship. Part of me wants this to be my identity, but the other part just doesn't feel like that many people need to know.
     
    #9 Lemongrass, Oct 22, 2016
    Last edited: Oct 22, 2016
  10. CubbieBlue

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Nov 10, 2014
    Messages:
    161
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    Chicago
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Thanks again all for commenting. It helps me to hear your stories. I think about so much how this affects me and it affects my marriage, but since my wife doesn't have an answer on how this affects her, I don't really know how she feels about it or how I feel about it. I know that sounds off, but I feel like I can't know how I feel about it if she doesn't know how she feels about it. So you help a lot by commenting.

    I also have been feeling like coming out to more people, or everyone. But like was mentioned, I feel like people would think "why are you telling me this? You're married. This knowledge seems useless". And I think the answer may be somewhere in the realm of, I want to know how you feel about it so I can gauge how I feel about it. I don't know if I sound sane there. Part of me also feels like being out will enable me to be more open about it with my wife and have her be more open to how she feels about it and how we can deal with it in our marriage.
     
  11. Adray

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Feb 11, 2016
    Messages:
    373
    Likes Received:
    8
    Location:
    Illinois, USA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Being "out" as bisexual and in an opposite-sex marriage has been a great experience for me. I'd like to have done it sooner... but then, having 15 years of marriage has been a good foundation, too. As in, my wife has seen that my bisexual orientation has not changed since she's known me, so I think that gives her some confidence (as much as is possible) that this is the heart of me, and it'll likely always be that way.

    I worried a lot about explaining it all to straight people. It is rarely easy to explain. Even straight friends who I know have always been LGBT friendly and who I know will support me... some of them struggle to wrap their heads around the "why" question. Why would a happily married and monogamous man come out as bi?

    My biggest reason is to leave the closet, be the real me, be truthful and not have to omit major parts of me in daily relationships.

    I have also found meaningful interactions in getting involved in the LGBT community. And you know, that part seems to be easier for my straight friends to understand. If they've never been in the closet, they may not understand the energy it takes to keep the secret and how it wears on you not being able to be honest. But they tend to understand wanting to be part of the LGBT community better.

    One of the things I've done this year is volunteer at my local LGBT Center. I volunteered for our PrideFest in May - I spent an entire morning putting up posters around our downtown with a couple of other volunteers. And I've volunteered in general, too. Most of my other work has been assembling packages of condoms and lube for the LGBT Center's disease prevention program. They get big boxes of condoms and lube packets, and we volunteer to take them and assemble condom sets in little Ziploc baggies. The best part, though, is sitting around a big table for 2-3 hours with other volunteers, talking about LGBT stuff. It may not sound like much, but it's meaningful to me to interact, volunteer, and make friends. And it helps me take pride in being bi, even to myself.

    When I come out to straight people, they really "get" the volunteering part pretty quickly. That's not why I volunteer, but it's a nice side benefit.

    Sorry again for another long post. Take your time, CubbieBlue, and do it your way. When I decided to come out, I decided I was ready for the whole world to know. I haven't done any dramatic announcements, more like a series of coming-out's, but I'm still ready to be done with the secret forever. As Rachel Maddow said once, “The single best thing about coming out of the closet is that nobody can insult you by telling you what you've just told them.” Almost everybody in my life has been positive and supportive, but it's still been challenging. It's a good challenge to conquer, though.

    Good luck, I hope you find a great path forward, whichever direction you decide to take.
     
    Drizzle likes this.
  12. hrcbho1

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Oct 23, 2016
    Messages:
    21
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    DC
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Hey! I can definitely relate to what you're feeling & going through. I'm also a bi guy, same age, also married to a woman. I have not yet come out to her or any of my friends. I feel like you do; we have a monogamous marriage, so I wonder what's the point of coming out to her.

    In terms of other people, I do feel like I'd like to come out to a couple of close female friends, although my fear is their response would be exactly what you described, which is, "why are you telling me this?" For me, it would be nice to have a friend to talk to about this once in awhile without being judged in a negative way. Sometimes, all I want to be able to do is say, "yeah I think he's hot too" when they are talking about guys and them not to be uncomfortable. Overall, it's something I've been struggling with for awhile.
     
  13. Nickw

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Feb 18, 2016
    Messages:
    2,335
    Likes Received:
    1,397
    Location:
    Out West
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Hi Cubbieblue

    I am bisexual and mid-fifties. I just came out to my wife after 30 years of marriage about 6 months ago. She is more than cool with it. I think she sort of likes it some. We joke about it, guy watch together and do some limited role playing in the bedroom.

    We have gone to Pride events together. But, she does not want me out to her family. She just does not want the scrutiny of our marriage. So, I am still in the closet with close friends and family.

    However, I needed a gay life. My same sex attractions are part of my sexuality and I spent too much time ignoring that part of me. So, I started meeting other gay and bi guys and have been building a gay social life. It has been an awesome experience to be able to share and explore my sexuality. Most of my involvement has been non-intimate. However, my wife has been open to me exploring the intimate aspects of my same sex desires. So, I do have some friends that I do share intimacy with.

    But, the intimacy is not as important to me as my need to recognize and nurture my bisexuality in more platonic ways. To be honest, I had no idea how freeing this would be to just go have a beer with a gay friend and be part of a larger LGBT community.

    More importantly still, is that I am no longer afraid of being discovered. I don't shout it out but I don't care if someone knows. Letting my guard down and letting myself feel vulnerable in all my relationships has been such an amazing experience.

    I hope you get the chance to work with your wife through this. It has made our marriage better.
     
    #13 Nickw, Oct 23, 2016
    Last edited: Oct 23, 2016
    Drizzle likes this.
  14. mrgoodwrench

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Oct 23, 2016
    Messages:
    7
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Atlanta, GA
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    44 year old male here. I've been with my wife for 21 years and she knew long before I did (or at least before I allowed myself to know). When I finally came to grips with it a few years ago, she was the first person I told. We have very open and honest communication in our relationship - something that has always been there, but amplified as we got more into BDSM.

    At first she struggled a bit with it, as far as not being able to satisfy me fully, but I have assured and reassured her that no matter what, she is my partner and priority. These days, we talk about my attraction to men pretty often. She will point out men she thinks I would like, we fantasize together about men and that sort of thing. She knows that my sexuality is just a part of my whole self, just like her being straight is part of her.
     
  15. CubbieBlue

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Nov 10, 2014
    Messages:
    161
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    Chicago
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    I dunno. I did feel better about myself after coming out to my wife. I'm bi, so it's not like she automatically feel I didn't want her anymore. Though I did assure her I still do want her. I'm also extremely attracted to her. She's a very attractive woman. I'm not saying this is the right move for everyone, but have you ever considered coming out to her? What do you think that would look like? When I came out to my wife, it was not planned. That made it easier. I just blurted it out. She's very vanilla, so I was already frustrated. I'm very not vanilla.

    ---------- Post added 24th Oct 2016 at 07:30 AM ----------

    Nickw and mrgoodwrench, that's great to hear! I would like something more along the lines of the kind of relationship Nickw has with his wife, but my wife is so quiet about everything, it's hard to see. I'm not even 100% that's what I want all the time and I've been so frustrated lately, I feel it's taking over other parts of my life. Although I do love her very much. We drove to work together this morning and had a pretty long, unplanned talk (seems to be my MO). I think I upset her because I told her how much I feel we're on different sides of this equation and how we view a healthy and happy marriage. I really don't know how the car ride home is going to be, but if I had my guess, we won't bring it up again for a long time.
     
  16. Nickw

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Feb 18, 2016
    Messages:
    2,335
    Likes Received:
    1,397
    Location:
    Out West
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Some people
    CubbieBlue

    Being quite a bit older makes a big difference. At your age, we had only been married for about 10 years. I am pretty sure my wife would have accepted my same sex attractions but not allowed me to be intimate with men. At this point in our marriage our goals are pretty much set in concrete. And, they include living together into old age. To do that, we both understand that we both need to be happy and I need the gay interactions with other men for that. When I'm happy she's happy and vice versa.

    My wife was quick to accept and adjust. Some people just take longer and some will never accept that a marriage can take different forms and can evolve. I like to think neither my wife nor myself are the same as we were when we met. Why should our relationship not accommodate how we each have changed? Underneath it all is a goal to continue to improve our relationship as the number one priority. In my case, that is what is making it work.

    I have also tried to make the gay less intimidating for my wife. She meets my gay friends and has access to my texts and emails. She has never looked. Just being open and trusting seems to work best.

    My advice would be to be sure your wife is as fulfilled as possible. What I found was that relieving the frustrations around not being able to be gay made this much easier for me. Hard to convince your wife of that outcome I understand.
     
    #16 Nickw, Oct 24, 2016
    Last edited: Oct 24, 2016
  17. CubbieBlue

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Nov 10, 2014
    Messages:
    161
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    Chicago
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Thanks! I've never hidden texts or emails from her. We both have access to each other's everything. I'm not very private with her. But like you both, we never look at each other's phones. No need to. I hope this kind of open communication leads to happier and less confusing times. But we don't communicate verbally much. I'm still trying to figure that one out. Lately I have been expressing my concerns about that.
     
  18. dirtyshirt84

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 24, 2015
    Messages:
    485
    Likes Received:
    271
    Location:
    London
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Just thought I'd throw in my two cents. I'm in my mid 30s and married to a man, he has always known I'm Bi and been supportive about it. I previously had a relationship with a women and felt it was important he knew that.

    In the past year or so I've wanted to become more open about it and more 'out' for many of the reasons Adray and Nick describe. It's part of my identity and I want to express that, I would like to have more gay friends and feel part of an LGBT community, I want to be proud of who I am. I think I spent a very long time feeling ashamed about my sexuality and wanting to keep in a secret and I don't want to do that anymore.

    My husband and I talk about it quite often. He often asks me if I find women attractive (never men...ha!), and he understands why I want to be more open. It's not always easy but I find the honesty liberating and I think it makes us closer in a way. Hope that helps! :slight_smile:
     
    Drizzle likes this.
  19. CubbieBlue

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Nov 10, 2014
    Messages:
    161
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    Chicago
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    It does. Thank you.
     
  20. Keith83

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Sep 26, 2016
    Messages:
    82
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    dublin
    Hi All,
    So interesting to read all your posts. I think those of you have managed to come out to your husbands / wives are so brave. I just can't do it. I'm terrified of what might happen. And there's so many reasons I think I shouldn't. It's a horrible place to be. Wish I could just tell her but I don't think I ever will :-(