Is it orientation? Is it fetish? Not sure what relationships to look for.

Hi all.

At first, English is not my native language and my story will be long because I would like to make everything as clear as possible to reduce guessing and follow-up questions, so please bear with me.

I’m 36 old man. I haven’t had sex or long lasting relationships yet for the reasons I’ll explain.

I have various incurable health issues since birth and when I was working hard at a farm with some hope to get stronger muscles, I got hiatal hernia instead.

I had emotionally distant mother. In general, she was helpful and did care for me, but for some reason she did not enjoy hugging. So I was hugging my grandma instead. Also I had father with alcohol addiction. He had weak personality, my mom had to be the strong one who controlled everything in our family. I’m not sure whether it was genetic or psychological, but for some reason I developed so called “father hunger”. I played games where I imagined that I've found another father, strong, intelligent, loving. Sometimes I switched the roles and imagined myself being the father who finds his lost son.

Then school years came. I had a crush on a girl, and she was the first to show her feelings for me. We spent almost every day together, we had deep conversations, romantic moments. We both were jealous each time when one of us mentioned another girl or boy. We were like soulmates but more than that.

School years were tough for me, I got bullied for my bad vision and weak body. Sometimes I got beaten up. Although in general I’m emotional and nervous guy, I have used to keep my largest pains inside. But I needed some comfort, and as I was not comfortable with boys, I started communicating with girls more – they just felt more familiar, peaceful. I did not have serious relations, I just had fun conversations about stuff. But after some years, I found that actually some guys in our class are ok to talk to and have fun together, so I slowly “switched sides” to the level where I can communicate with both girls and boys equally well, although I myself don’t feel quite belonging to one of the sides.

Then my girl moved to another town. And about the same time I discovered something disastrous. My “father hunger” seemed to have turned into sexual attraction for older men; at least 20 years older and with specific traits (especially with suits and beards). I decided that it’s no big deal and I could live with that and maybe that will go away. But there was another issue – I did not have sexual attraction for girls. So, when my girl moved, I did not pursuit my love for her. I clearly saw some signs from her side, that she would like to be more than romantic friends, but I could not give it to her. It was painful.

I have never dreamed or fantasized about "usual" sexual turn-ons which seem to be norm for others (no matter, hetero or homo) - naked body, genitals, muscles - all these things are completely unimportant for me, no matter male or female. It seems, I'm turned on only by some abstract fantasy of a "real man", with emphasis being on facial features which demonstrate authority and intelligence. The fantasy man drives me up only when in his clothes, but when I see him naked, my "desire" fades away.

Also, I haven't seen dreams of actually having sex. It usually is enough to see the man, get close to him, then I feel sexual arousal, but I don't want to do anything more with it, hugging and emotional overwhelming is enough. In some cases when it is not enough, the dream continues with me trying to completely absorb this man and become like him.

It seems, I'm driven by desire to change myself into someone else and be "one of them". When I dig deeper in my subconscious, I almost have a feeling that these kind of men know some "secret of manhood" - how to be a real man and love women.

When I imagine myself older, with a beard and in a suit, I’m also feeling sexual arousal. It might mean I have a fetish on man's clothes in combination with specific facial features, social status and behavior.

Sometimes I get ejaculations also when having a scary dream (e.g. falling of a cliff).
So, currently my only sexual attractions bring dark, unpleasant feelings about wanting to be someone else or about something gone terribly wrong.

On the other hand, I find some girls attractive, I pay attention mostly to facial features, body is not that important.

I fantasize being close to a girl, slightly smaller than me, with sincere smile, with eyes which are kind and deep and hide some mystery (maybe inner world or some past painful experiences similar to mine), being romantic with her, cuddling, hugging, protecting her, having deep conversations, being playful, sharing evenings in the same bed. When I imagine her saying "You are my man, I want you and I accept you as you are, with all your issues and problems", my emotions go up and I feel such intense desire to be with such a girl and to please her in every way possible. If I imagine her naked but wearing my suit jacket as a sign of her acceptance of me being her man, I have erection for like 15 minutes, but I don't have any desire to put my "thing" in her hole, and also thinking about her body fluids (even kissing) seems kinda repulsive to me.

I have been kissed by men and women, sometimes in romantic sense, sometimes just a friendly kiss, and I always wanted to clean it away.

Recently I did hormone tests - testosterone, albumin, SHBG. Everything is almost right in the middle of the normal reference interval.

I guess, I could continue living alone, although I would really like to find someone. With a gay man I would feel like a weak child with low self-esteem always looking for protection ("father hunger"). With a woman I don't have such intense sexual desire and I don't want to actually have sex, it feels physically unclean to me.

What are your thoughts on this? Am I completely screwed up?

 

Ok, after some more investigation I found some clues.

When I look at a man, the first question in my (mostly subconscious) mind is "Would I want this man to be my father? Does he look like being emotionally and intellectually strong enough to provide me protection and teach me new things in my life? Would I myself want to be like him one day?" If the answers to all of these questions are "yes", then I feel sexual arousal, but that's it. It never is about men's body or "He looks hot" or anything like that. Although when I get past this evaluation stage, I feel the same arousal when I imagine myself being physically close with him, hugging, cuddling, but I just can't imagine having anal or oral sex - that seems somewhat repulsive to me.
But when time passes by and I get to know this person better, my sexual desire starts fading and I perceive him more like just a colleague or teacher or someone more or less similar to me.

Although that definitely is sexual reaction to male features and behavior, I doubt that it is enough to say that I'm homosexual. It looks closer to a "father fetish" to me.

But with women I have this problem reversed. I can be really loving and romantic, but when it gets to sex, I feel like a father or a close friend and I just can't do that, I don't find her body that attractive and having sex feels like "giving up on our friendship".

So, I can't say that I'm heterosexual, either.

Female relations make me feel more "a man", stronger, give me motivation to be more in control of myself.

I haven't tried male relations yet, but I suspect that I would feel like a child who have found his father and now is relying upon him. Not sure if any male would want such a childish partner, so such relationships seem to be not a good option anyway.

I guess, I could be labeled as asexual and panromantic (although more heteroromantic) with a homosexual (or autosexual - considering that I often want to clone the body of my "crush") kink.