So I realised I was gay about three months ago and it has not been fun. I'm 22 and I guess I have been questioning it since I was about fifteen/sixteen but always just swept it under the rug. I have told my parents, my sister , my therapist, and four friends who have been so cool about it. But I am struggling. I feel like there has been a mistake. That there is no way I could be gay. Its like I am ashamed to like girls the way I do. I am terrified of people finding out about about me outside of who I have told. I am always testing myself to see if I actually am , like, if I find a guy good looking then I must be straight. I dont want to be ashamed of myself and I dont want to become depressed by this. But I cant seem to help it. I feel pretty lonely alot of the time because I have no gay friends to talk to who might understand me. Has anyone else felt ashamed to be gay? And if so, how did you get passed it?
I'm sure many of us here understand when you say you feel ashamed to be gay; growing up in such a heteronormative society really does that to you. I can't give a lot of advice to you, as I can't relate, but just think about how unique you are compared to the vast majority, you're one of a kind out of so many people, you shouldn't feel ashamed for that! Let's hope others can help you more, I'm glad you took the step to find a community such as this, it's really a nice place not only to seek advice, but just to be more involved in the overall community. x
Hi MagicPine, I think most of us have felt ashamed at one time or another, or a lot of the time. As Nihilist1998 said this is mainly due to a heteronormative society where everything is judged as valuable if it is heterosexual. I'm still cautious about telling people I am gay (I don't think that will change but it is also sensible - at least that is how I rationalise it) but I basically decided that I am only ever going to be happy with another man and that it is my life to live. I intend to be as happy as I can be and that means not holding myself to the standards of people who would rather make me miserable than let me be myself. However you overcome this - and it is something that we all go through - just think it is your life and you should make it a life you are happy with. It will take time but you can let go of external hetero standards.
As someone going through a similar situation, i'd say really the best way is to kiss people of both genders and whichever one has sparks thats your type!
As others have said here, shame is one of the most common feelings that almost all of us LGBT folks have had in our lives. I have lived with shame, and fear, and guilt for most of my 47 years of life. What you really want to know is how do you get rid of shame. First, what is shame? If you look it up it's "a painful emotion caused by consciousness of guilt, shortcoming, or impropriety." You feel shame because you are conscious of thinking improper thoughts and having improper feelings. You feel less than a real woman is supposed to be, and it's a shortcoming of you. Perhaps you also worry that people will think less of you - see this "flaw" of you. That's also a shortcoming. And you probably feel guilt that you're not the "normal" person they all think you are. Ok, here's the key: You are wrong in your thinking. You just are. Your thoughts are not improper. Being gay is not improper. There's nothing wrong with you. You are totally normal. You are not less than anything. You are the person you are supposed to be, and it's perfect just the way it is. Your guilt is based upon a lie that was told to you a long time ago, a lie that said being gay is wrong and you are bad for feeling this way. Everything that distresses you about being gay is based upon this fundamental lie. It's not your fault that you bought into this lie, because we all did. If you look at people who are raised in positive and accepting environments and come out in a wonderful and positive way, they are beginning their new gay lives and feeling completely open and free to be themselves. If you didn't have that, it's because your upbringing included teaching you the lie. Mine did. Most of ours did. More and more of today's youth are being raised without the lie and it's wonderful, but unfortunately, in so many places and families, the lie is still being perpetuated. Don't buy into the lie. It's just simply not true. And the earlier you finally accept that you were born this way, and you are wonderful just as you are, and anyone who thinks otherwise is just plain wrong and shouldn't be listened to, the earlier you can get on with your new gay self. I hope this helps! Take care.
Wow, this brings me back. I've struggled with shame too and worked on the issue of shame specifically with a therapist. You might want to read the book "Coming out of Shame". It deals deeply with the psychological (and even biological) manifestations of shame, and the myriad of ways that shame is ingrained in LGBT folk. At first I doubted I even needed to think about shame (after all, I had been out for a long time!) but after a few pages I realized that I've been shamed by society for most of my life, and had even identified with that shame. Unfortunately LGBT shame is a specially pernicious and toxic form of it. I'm rooting for you! Please message me if I can provide anything else on my experience with shame. *warm hugs* Patrick
this whole site is incredible. I just stumbled on this post and seeing everyones responses is breathtaking. I'm 27, just started coming out to a few people and what was so strange or at least i thought it was strange...when i finally reach this place where i could admit to myself that i was gay...it was for a brief moment the most exhilarating moment in such a long time...then the anxiety set in...and i panicked. i told the first friend and she took it well...but then after telling a handful of other people i came home that night sick to my stomach with this tape playing in my head. the tape of angry people ranting in my head, telling me i was wrong, telling me that I was a waste, and bad in some way etc. The tape kept playing...but then i reached out to people, here, on the phone with the Trevor project...and they knew what i was feeling, like the people posting already on this. then...it was like...sorry i'm having a hard time explaining it, i started...when the tape started to play...i started thinking about what being gay means to me, not to the world, not to politics or religion. I remembered the first time I fell in love...and tried to let go of the shame that came with it...and hold on to that brief second of that first feeling of love for a woman. fluttering heart kind of thing...and lol i cried, but crying for that moment of love was powerful...i'm still in between the shame and hate and expectations of society, but sometimes i can have that moment of love...so i try to hold on to it. I'm not sure if i'm rambling too much...not sure if any of what i have said is helpful...but maybe...i hope so...much love darling.
Great post! It's hard to dig deep to reach those emotional places to really figure yourself out, so congrats on working hard to do just that. Keep doing that. Remember, it took many years to teach you to feel shame, and it will take a long time to undo that teaching. But you can do it, and it starts with you accepting yourself just as the wonderful human being you are. YOU ARE NORMAL! Remind yourself of that often. No matter what anyone else says, your feelings are normal and natural and absolutely no reason for any shame.
Very profound posts on this one - one of the questions that my wife asked me after I came out was "why did I marry her?". Simply put, I was ashamed of my urges and was taught growing up that being Gay was perverse and bad. I was just not ready to come out then - this was back in the 80s and 90s. And I felt shame all of my life. Ironically, after I came out to my wife - that shame went away... Lately - I think people are much more accepting of LBGT folks. Like Imgay47 says - WE ARE NORMAL!
I agree with a lot of the others that we are brought up in a world where being anything other than straight is bad. If you are Bi you are just looking for attention. If you are gay or a lesbian you are confused. If you are transgender then you are a freak. And if you dare to identify with any of the new terms, genderqueer, asexual, non binary, and so on you might as well be speaking another language to people. Like most people I hid my shame for a long time. Playing the do I or don't I game. But at the same time I didn't have much to go on. Growing up I just thought I really really liked my close girl friends rather than the fact that I had a crush on them. Because that was unheard of. Then you throw religion into the mix and you have a whole new can of worms. For me, I had to move far away from my family to figure out who I was. Now I know that's not something everyone can do. Once I did come out my mom cried because she had such plans for her baby girl that were now ruined, my step dad stood up for me (but his support comes with terms and conditions. He's okay with me being a lesbian but not okay with my right to marry). My brother and his wife told me I was going to hell. And my step mom and little sister said they didn't care they loved me anyway. And my friends were pretty much like, it's about time. As scary as it is to come out to those that are closest to you, the most important person that you have to worry about is yourself. There is nothing wrong with you. There is nothing dirty or broken or any other negative thing you might associate with who you are finding yourself to be. The only thing dirty and broken are the ideas we were given to associate with. It took me a long time to be comfortable with who I am, but I can say honestly now I don't care if anyone know's I'm a lesbian. I'm okay with who I am and if anyone can't handle it, that's there problem. All of that aside, I realize some people may not be in a safe place where they can say forget what everyone thinks. In those moments, focus on what you think. Change your way of thinking.
When I was a teenager my mother told me that she would be disappointed to find out I was a lesbian because it would mean that I wouldn't fit the traditional mold of society. Well, I was already attracted to women then, but tried to push it down and ignore it because of what my mother said. I also didn't think I could be bisexual because my mother said that bisexuality doesn't really exist (which I believed back then, but I know now it most definitely exists). Therefore I never said anything to anyone about my sexual orientation until four years ago. And I was so ashamed of it. I've grown a lot emotionally since then and I now realize it is nothing to be ashamed of; it is who I am. Like others in this thread have said, there is nothing to be ashamed of. Being LGBT is not wrong or shameful. You are uniquely you. There is nobody else like you. It has been hard for me to come to terms with being a lesbian. I'm not fully out and I am still married to a man. However, I am not ashamed of being me. Like others have said, if people have a problem with my sexual orientation, that's their problem, not mine. You are fine the way you are. I hope it will become easier for you to accept yourself and not be ashamed. Being LGBT is not wrong or shameful! (I said it once but it's worth repeating!)
I think as a generalization this is mostly true. Many people who are happily "out" as adults had these moments as children, and many adults still do. If there are people who were proudly queer from the get-go, then I'd be surprised if it was any more than one in four hundred or so. For this reason, I think we must be gentle with people. There is such an expectation today that "progress" has erased the stigma, but every day I read a new thread here from yet another young person telling of shame or fear, which should break the hearts of anyone who cares about the well being of youth.
I use to be ashamed at one time everyone goes through this my sexuality caused me to have anxiety and severe panic attacks I still do have panic attacks but not near as much as I use to it gets better you just have to push forward and not let anyone bring you down when I first realized I liked guys I was so terrified but my family accepts me and if people choose not to then so be it I am still coming to terms with my sexuality it's not a easy process but in order to progress we need to learn to be who we are it's easier said then done but in order to progress we really need to take a look at are selves you have to approve of yourself before others can approve of you I tell myself this everyday and it helps just don't give up it gets better
