Hey, I have been lurking on this forum for a while and I know there have been more topics about this subject, but I just need it from my chest.. I'm already out, so I'm not sure if this is the right subforum, but I felt it would be offending to post my story in the later in life forum because I'm still relatively young.. I came out as a lesbian a year ago.. When I was 23 years old. The year before my coming out I spend a year having a big identity-crisis and coming out to myself. When I'm thinking about the past, there were probably lots of clues.. I just failed to connect the knots.. I had a few dates with multiple boys I thought I "liked" but I never wanted to kiss them and I hated it when they touched me (but I thought it meant I was broken not that I was gay and I hoped it would go away when I jus gained more experience with being physical with boys). Many times I have wondered whether I could be bisexual, because sometimes I felt like I had feelings for certain girls (but I thought my feelings were not strong enough, that if I was LGBT I would simply have always known, etc). I also thought girls were more beautiful than guys (but I thought it was an objective fact not something that I experienced - if you know what I mean). I was also REALLY interested in gay people, gay fiction and movies and felt jealous that they could have this life while I was straight... Until I realised OH shit I'm actually not straight and then I spend a year thinking.. and came to the conclusion (after another failed date with a guy) that I was actually a lesbian... (it was literally when I went to the movies with him and there was a lot of nudity in the movie.. and I was looking and comparing the naked bodies and was like OHHH SHIT). And I spend a night laying awake and realising I never actually liked the guys I thought I had been in love with. I came out pretty quick after that... my family and friends are open-minded and progressive/liberal and I knew they wouldn't mind. The worst part was/is the shame about coming out "late" without having a real reason why I didn't realise / came out sooner. Most gay people from my generation have been out since their teenage years or from the beginning of their student lives. I came out in the last year of my university life. I have missed all te fun, the experiences, the parties, the experimenting, the opportunity to easily meet other lgbt people through the lgbt campus network. I had one year left so I still joined the lgbt alliance to have at least something before it was over... so I've been able to connect shortly with other gay people and to go a few times to a gay bar. Now I have graduated and have moved to the other side of the country because of a job/internship... and I start again at zero. Moreover, I don't have any experience... I have been on a few dating apps and sites for more than a year, hoping I would find a nice girl to date... so far it has been a failure. I have been on a few dates (although many girls on the apps are only looking for a threesome for their boyfriends) but it just never really clicked... I never have kissed a girl. A relationship or sex is a far-away fairy-tale... And I feel like a failure because of it? I'm almost 25 years old, graduated from university and I have never kissed someone or have had a relationship. I feel sad because I want the intimacy very much (although it feels very foreign like it's never going to happen to me). Most of my straight peers are thinking or already living together with their partners... I have been able to track down and connect to a small group of lesbians in a city nearby where I live now, so thankfully I won't be completely alone. But it is so difficult to meet other gay girls (I'm not a big fan of parties and bars although I have been to a few and the internet dating thing doesn't seem to work). It makes me so sad that almost all the people I see in everyday life are straight.. when I fall for someone, it will probably be a straight woman... my love life seems doomed. I had high hopes when I came out... that I would at least be able to kiss a girl (I secretly hoped for sex) in a year... and now I simply have nothing. It wouldn't be the end of my life if it would happen this year. I just want to meet a nice girl and go on a few dates and kiss her.. but that seems like asking too much. I feel so far behind my peers who have been dating and kissing each other since they were 14.. I have missed so much social en emotional development just because I don't like men... I'm still angry and sad about this.. Almost everyone I know had a great time during their teens and early twenties and has lived a life full of fun and parties and experiences and relationships... I had none of that. I have dealt with depression, feeling numb, etc. I mostly have been focused on my studies and reading books, while maintaining few social contacts. I have a small social network. This should have been the most wonderful part of my life. But it wasn't. (Well I don't know how bad the rest of my life will be of course...) I thought after coming out perhaps the best part of my life starts now. But I'm not sure it has. And I still feel lost and sometimes like a failure. I still have few friends and no love in my life. (Of course the whole moving thing plays a role as well.. in my university town I just started to form friendships with other gay people and I had to leave them all behind.) I'm scared to tell people I have no experience. I'm scared that I will never find someone... that I will turn 25, 30, 40 and still haven't had a nice date or kissed someone.. that I will never have sex or a relationship. That the (straight) friends I have will forget me once they have settled down with their boyfriends/husbands and start their straight fairytale life which I can never have. (Of course I try to be optimistic but it is just hard. And now that I have experienced how nice it can be to be around other gay people I realise how hard it is to be around straight people all day.) Anyone similar feelings or any advice? PS: btw, I am now 24.. and slowly approaching being 25, which is scary as hell.
Hi Alwyn, First, welcome to EC and thanks for writing your first post! You make a lot of sense to me. I have given a ton of thought on this very topic, and spent a lot of time being miserable thinking about how much I missed when I gave away my best sexual years. I do know how you feel. I don't feel that way any more, though, because my hope for the future far outweighs my sadness for my past. What really matters is that you now are living an authentic life, with acceptance of your sexuality, and ready and available for the possibility of love. That sound pretty wonderful to me. The more emphasis you give to your thoughts on what you missed is just continuing to live there, back in that place in the closet and still missing out. The more you allow yourself to dwell on those thoughts, the longer you will continue to spin in circles. There are so many gay women available to you. The only way to find them is to get out there and meet new people, join groups, engage in activities with other people and make new friends, widen your social circle. You will have sex and you will have relationships, but only if you make it happen. By the way, there's no age minimum on Later in Life. Most of us read the posts in all the forums anyway. I hope this helps you if you need it. I understand if you're just venting your frustrations too.
I know how you feel. I myself have had little connection with the sexual part of myself until recently, and my love life has so far been a series of misadventures. At 25, as I look back on the decade it took me to accept myself, there's definitely regret at experiences I missed. Especially in college, when I would walk nighttime streets and pass happy couples out on the town, or the night when I walked past a drag show where so many LGBT people my age were light years ahead of me in self-acceptance and dating experience. Back then, I felt incredibly lonely, and incredibly unlovable. I had little dating experience (still do), and always wondered who would want to be with an emotionally stunted wreck like myself. Looking on all this from the present, I feel sad that I'll never have memories of falling in love in college. But, as Shakespeare once wrote, what's done is done. You'll drive yourself crazy concentrating on "what-ifs" and "should-have-done's." What's important is that you're moving forward. You said you've contacted a group of nearby lesbians; that's good! You're meeting new people, which will result in meeting more new people until you find someone. This will be especially true as you settle into life in your new location. As more people get to know you, the chances you'll meet someone who's interested will increase. Be patient with yourself, and give it time. It can be disheartening coming into your mid-twenties and realizing so many have been loving for years while you were still searching, but it's important to remember how young you are in your twenties. You may not have as much experience with relationships as those who came out in their teens, but you still have plenty of time to experience those particular adventures. And it is frustrating seeing so many in relationships - how can you not feel lonely when this is the case? - but you'll find yourself in love before you know it. It'll just take a little bit before you're there.
Yes, welcome to EC Alwyn! There's a lot of regret and blame in your post. I can tell you without doubt, there is absolutely no reason to blame yourself for coming out at 23. Or not having a relationship yet. I "came out" at 23 I'm now 25 going on 26 and I haven't been in a relationship either. I also want that intimate, emotional, closeness. But only if it's genuine, if I have to wait months, years, whatever, so be it. When I finally have that connection it'll be worth the wait, at least for me it's the only choice. Not everyone realizes their sexuality early, from what I've observed the early 20's is a common time for questioning. In the end it's not a race or a competition. When your ready to embrace your sexuality, your free to live how you want, no matter the age. Just to let you know being 24 you're still super young there's plenty of time to have fun, gain experiences, experiment, goto parties. Don't regret the lack of experience in your past. I've kissed people before, I can tell you it does no good for me now. It was a nice experience yes, but I'm without a gf or bf so I'm still not kissing anyone. All those friends you mentioned who knew at 14 and had all those amazing experiences. Well I can tell you for most of them it probably wasn't that grand. And their lives straight or not may seem fairytale esqe but I doubt it. Everone has struggles and bumps in the road. I know people who right out of high school or in their early 20's got married or had kids and now their separated or divorced. Please don't idealize them and hold yourself to an unreal standard. Look at all the things you've done. You've dealt or are dealing with depression and have either beaten it or are surviving. That's a major accomplishment, many people who haven't had depression will never understand that. You focused on your studies, are graduating, and looking for work, and you have friends. You sound like your in a great place, be confident in that. And trust me a potential girlfriend will appreciate that confidence and security you offer over your sexual/relationship expertise. If she's worth having anyway. If your having trouble with the dating scene...welcome to the dating scene. This is true for everyone. Sometimes it works out and you click and sometimes it's a nightmare. Hey but even if they go sour you might get a good story out of it. Well that's what I've heard. Like Imgay47 said you can meet people through joining other groups, at work, social events. You're not limited to just university. There is someone out there for you. And while it's fun to imagine a life with that someone and painful because it hasn't happened yet, you have to stay hopeful. Try to understand it may not be magical or like a fairytale but when it happens it'll be right. Life is truely what you make of it. Make it what you want but remember your not a failure. The only time we fail is when we give up trying and even then we can always try again.
Alwyn, I went through the same thing at your age. I'm falling asleep at the moment or I'd write more, but if you want to talk more, feel free to write on my wall
Thanks for all the replies! That means a lot to me. I almost don't know where to start with replying... You're probably right, thanks for pointing it out to me. I will try to be optimistic and think about the future, but sometimes it's hard and the frustrations take over. I'm also afraid that I will be disappointed when I'm too optimistic. (Hehe I'm a true pessimist but I call it realism.) @ JAlfred: thanks for your words, it's good to hear that I'm not the only one. It will probably costs time to meet enough (lgbt) people before meeting someone I would like dating (and who likes me!). But it feels indeed frustrating having to wait more and be patient when you feel already left behind. And I feel frustrated that I have to start again after moving. The town where I live now doesn't appear to have any events for gay people my age, but there is a bigger city nearby which does have events and places for gay people, they even have a lesbian bar (the group of lesbians I have tracked down and met once live also in this city). @ PrettyInPunk: I also don't want to kiss people without feeling anything.. It doesn't have to be a relationship, but I have to feel some connection or spark. Otherwise I can just as well kiss a brick wall.:lol: Other people's lives probably aren't that great either. When I talk to other (new) people I also have a way of making my life sound more interesting than it is (I often say casually I have dated some peope but not met the right one yet.. which is not untrue but at the same time it sound more experienced and cool than it was - I've met 4 girls through the dating apps, with one girl I've met several times but a relationship didn't work but I'm not sure if that even counts as dating, probably not.) I think I'm more independent than most people my age, which can perhaps be attractive for potential dates but also a bit intimidating I'm afraid.. I'm too much used to do everything on my own. @ Guitar: I'd be interested in hearing how you dealt with this similar phase in your life and how you're doing now. I'll try to post something on your wall (I'm not sure if I'm allowed to do that with my newbie status but we'll see.) In general: I feel eager to meet more lesbians and try to put myself out there, but there are not that many groups... I will ask the gay women I've met if there are more interesting things nearby. What can be good places to meet other gay people? At work everyone appears to be straight (and I'm not sure if I dare to come out in my professional life). I don't really like sports (stereotypical places where lesbians gather:lol. I don't know many people so most times I cannot go to the parties/bars becasue I don't want to go there alone. I'd love a lesbian/feminist bookclub, but I haven't heard of such a thing and I haven't found it on google.. Perhaps I can start one myself? Or perhaps that's a bit too bold?
