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Boyfriend isn't sexually active but watches a lot of porn?

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by CaliSunshine, Oct 10, 2016.

  1. CaliSunshine

    Regular Member

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    Just want to give a little back story before I get to my question to better serve the thread, I will include a TL;DR for those who do not wish to read all of this.

    I met my boyfriend when we were in college, he had moved to California to explore a little bit and go to his dream school. I was in college as a newly made senior, 23, and he was a freshman. I originally got involved with him as a means to make friends, he was gay and I was gay and so we just sorta became friends. Nothing sexual, nothing romantic but that evolved into a care for one another then like then love. I genuinely love him.

    He didn't much care for the California scene much and so he moved back to Maryland With his family and friends. He and I thought this best as it was hard for him financially and he didn't really get the Bay Area too much. Yet we stayed together long-distance with me making trips back every other month or so. I finally graduated and I told him while I had offers in California I wanted to make something with you - to try. So I moved to Maryland and after a couple hard months of searching I found a good job with opportunity.

    It's been about 6 months now and we are healthy together in most areas, we have our moments of bickering but that is far and in between. We have had moments where he thought he wasn't ready to settle down (He is still a sophomore in University) and I kinda explained things to him - That we're both really young and such. He hasn't brought that up since I moved here a half-or-so years ago.

    Thing is that year we spent apart things have changed in our sex lives a lot. Before we would have sex a couple times a week if not daily. While I get the honey moon phase is over since I have moved, again both of us wanted that because he is the one whom thought about it originally, things have been really stagnant. I have to ask him, I have to sometimes beg him, and when we do it's maybe a hand job. If I am lucky he will look at me while we do it.

    I then caught him masturbating to porn after telling me he wasn't horny, that he didn't want to have sex because he wasn't in the mood. It wasn't a bad thing to look at porn but it was after a little over half a month of no intimacy, sleeping next to him. I then caught him again, on his phone he asked me to look something up and then next thing I know there are 3-5 tabs of porn open. So I confronted him about it. I asked him if he was just bored with the sex. He told me that he wasn't, that it wasn't like that. I asked him then if he had performance issues - perhaps he wasn't as experienced and felt shy doing it with another human. He reassured me that while he is inexperienced he just didn't like sex - that he just prefers doing this alone. So I told him that it makes me uncomfortable to think that he doesn't want me romantically, intimately. To which he said that was just who he was.

    He then agreed after almost a week of not talking about sex or anything, really, that he would try to be more intimate. But it's been almost a month and we've had one lame jerk off moment together to which he didn't even engage me and I had to bring it up to him. I just want him to try sometimes to come to me, to try to be intimate when he is horny. Instead he continue to look up porn, I caught him again tonight after I asked him if he'd like to have a little fun with me. Not 20 minutes later he is in the bathroom watching porn.

    I do not know what to do guys/gals, I love him and he loves me and when I talk about leaving him he breaks down, crying and begging me not to leave. I cannot reach him on this one. I have told him that porn is no big deal with me if you engage me, be sexual with me. I want to stay but I want to leave. I love him and I hate the feeling of not being enough, not being good enough to please him or w/e his reasons are.

    TL;DR - My boyfriends not engaging in the rare chance we have sex, blames it on not liking sex but watches porn almost nightly, hiding it from me so I cannot even engage on the act with him. I haven't had a good lay with him in almost a year. What would you do in my situation?
     
  2. Gravity

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    Honestly, in reading through your post, something doesn't track with him. Overall, if there's something he feels compelled to do without you and hide from you, then something's up. It sounds like you've approached him about it sensitively multiple times, but to no avail.

    If he is truly invested in the relationship, and wants to try to make things work, I would suggest a checkup at a doctor, or a trial run with a counselor. It's possible there's a biological reason his sex drive is lowering, or an emotional one (not that the two aren't related, but different kinds of health professionals may have more or less luck figuring out what's up). If he's willing to do those things, then you guys might have a path forward here. If he's not, then it might be time to re-evaluate the relationship - you deserve to feel wanted and accepted as much as he does. Ordinarily I wouldn't suggest this in the first response, but it does sound like you've tried all the usual steps so far already.
     
  3. DarkWater

    DarkWater Guest

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    Let the ship sink.

    There is more to relationships than SEX. Just be happy you have someone.
     
  4. CameOutSwinging

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    Agreed! His lack of wanting to be intimate sexually with you could be because of something that has nothing to do with you (I'd say emotional, because it doesn't sound like he lacks a sex drive if he is getting horny enough to masturbate regularly). I had a similar experience with my ex. With her, I had no idea why she didn't want to have sex with me, and when I'd ask if it was about me she would say no, so eventually I assumed it had to be something medical or emotional like depression, since I thought her sex drive was gone. She was pretty insulted when I suggested she see a doctor about it, because it made her feel defective. But in the end, we've talked and realized that it was her being uncomfortable with my sexuality, something that perhaps she could have spoken to a therapist about and worked through (or just thrown in the towel on us if it wasn't something she'd get past). It definitely didn't turn out to be that she wasn't horny. So I'd suggest going straight to the emotional route and suggesting counseling, perhaps couples therapy so that he doesn't feel thrown under the bus about this.

    If you two do not match up sexually, then it could be time to move on. Falling in love is not difficult, so it is important to find somebody that matches up with you in other ways. The advice above of just get over it because it's better to have somebody than not isn't really valid to me. That's settling. Don't settle. You deserve to be in a relationship where you feel completely fulfilled. Right now, in this set up, you certainly don't.