Feeling like Shit

God I am married too. I like girls and it sucks I can't be with them for the fear of rejection from my family and husband.
I am afraid I might be in the same situation as you one of these days. Oh my God!!!
I know I am not really being helpful, but just want you to know I kinda know a little bit if how you feel. I wish we could have some beers now and talk "TALK" about it.
The last thing I'd want to do is hurt my spouse.
Anyway, listen to your bestfriend, she sounds like she cares about you and your family. You'd find some straightforward suggestions here, consider them, but do not act on impulse!(i need to tell myself the same)
Everyone have different expereince here, so choose your options properly. Talk to your female friend about what you plan to say or do so she could bring sense to you if ever.

Hugs,

Hushhh

 

Keith when I write the final part of Me--partIII you will see that you are not alone...

 

Keith,

I definitely understand the struggle you're going through. Do you think your wife truly has no idea whatsoever? How long have you been together? If you're suffering this badly, there's at least a chance that she knows something is wrong and doesn't want to see you hurting. If I were you, I'd strongly consider sitting down and talking with her about it. Be honest with her. It is the first step. She may never be okay with you sleeping with guys, but right now I believe just telling her the truth would take a ton of weight off your shoulders. And she deserves to know. She married you expecting to know everything about you. Better or worse. She's the one person you shouldn't have to lie to about anything.

 

Keith, I'm bi too. I understand some of what you're feeling.

In my case, I figured out pretty early (late teens) that I was bi. I kept it all internal for years, due to religion, societal pressures, etc. I wondered if my attractions would change over time, but they never did, I've always been attracted to both. I started being more and more comfortable with my orientation over time, as I realized it wasn't changing.

I came out to a long-time girlfriend, but just kept it between me and her. That relationship ended due to other reasons. Then I met my wife, and I let her know early on as well. Both my wife (and the LTR GF before her) were/are 100% supportive, as long as I remained faithful to them. I have always been monogamous myself, so that was not hard to keep that end of the bargain. Finally, this year, I got tired of the energy it took to keep the secret, so I've been coming out to others publicly. My wife has been supportive because we are monogamous. I'm not necessarily advocating any of this approach, but sharing it to show what one possible outcome can be, at least in my case.

As long as you don't cheat, you have options. I think COS's advice to tell your wife is the path I would plan to eventually pursue if I was you. If she is accepting, it would be a massive weight off your shoulders. From what you wrote, she values monogamy in your marriage. If you are willing to stay monogamous, she might be very accepting.

Of course, not everyone wants to be monogamous. That is an important question you need to ask yourself and decide. My only advice there is to be honest with yourself. For some bisexuals, monogamy is preferred. For others, polyamory is preferred. You have to decide who you are and what is important to you. No judgment from me here, I'm just trying to help you get to a place where this whole thing isn't tearing you up.

You're not the only one going through this. I encourage you to take the time to read and learn. EC is a great place. I also have acquired and read a number of books on bisexuality. Here are a couple of good ones:

https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0965388158/ref=oh_aui_search_detailpage?ie=UTF8&psc=1

Recognize: The Voices of Bisexual Men
BRC Store

Some bisexuals need sex with men and women both to be happy. Others of us can be happy with just one person. For me, coming out has been a major stress reliever. And, as I've posted here before, my wife is supportive, and sometimes we do a little roleplaying in bed that satisfies some of my same-sex urges. We've done pegging, roleplaying, bi/queer porn, you name it. For us, there are no boundaries in the bedroom, but we keep it just between us two. For others, open marriage or other solutions work.

I hope some of that is helpful. Hang in there, man. Bisexuality is awesome, we are blessed. Explaining it to non-bi people is a bitch, though. LOL. And the pressure of the closets can be bad. I'm pulling for you.

 

We have to live with it, don't we? I cannot see myself taking that road actually, telling my spouse and all. it's jusy not easy. Most of the times I'm ok, but sometimes it gets to me too.
In the relationship, I am the jealous one, and he told me he'd kill me if I find someone else, I also tild him the same thing, and that I'd cut off his you know down there. So, no. Or maybe not yet.

 

Keith83 and Hushhh

I put a lid on the gay aspects of my bisexuality for over thirty years. Don't get me wrong, I had/have a great marriage and am completely devoted to my wife. But, there was always a depth of intimacy that we could never reach. I knew it was there but I could not allow myself to get there. And, this was not just with my wife. With my male friends I would stop at a level that would not allow me to share as deeply as I should have.

The secret of hiding my sexuality was the reason. I came out to my wife and this changed overnight with her and my friends. I am not out to my friends; but, I am not hiding or afraid someone will find out what I am.

Keith83, as I wrote earlier, my wife was sort of bi-phobic (not homophobic) before I came out to her. So, I had a lot of the same fears you have. Even though she was raised in a very progressive environment, her attitudes about sexual behavior are very conservative. So, I was convinced that there was a good possibility our marriage would suffer, if not end over my disclosure. At least our intimacy would suffer. But, our intimacy was already suffering without the disclosure.

You don't need to come out now. But, you probably will someday. Your sexuality is a part of you. Even if you remain monogamous with your wife, being able to openly express all aspects of yourself is essential to being fulfilled and happy. I encourage you to explore this part of your sexuality, not by cheating; but, by allowing the desires and feelings. It would be best if your wife could share with you in this. But, I understand how difficult that might be.

I put the gay sexuality in a basket on the shelf. I could take it down when I felt like it and then put it back. This worked for awhile. It might work for you too. But, I am sensing from you an urgency that I did not develop until much later in life than you. You have already started checking out guys online for hookups. Even though this may be just "checking it out as a fantasy" eventually a lot of us just decide to give it a try. We have a fight with the wife, or she isn't available for sex or something. Then we cross the line and cheat. Then coming out to our wife is much more difficult.

Be careful you don't get to this place because you are afraid to have the conversation with your wife. You may lose everything anyway.

 

Hello all of you,

It is unfortunate you are having to struggle with this. This group is a wonderful place to come and spend time with. We are all here to help each other the best we can. The different experiences and viewpoints we all bring to the table can be enlightening I have found. I hope it is helpful for you.

Anyways, I'll lend what I can to this thread. Being married now for ten years (together for twelve) with two daughters, nine and five years old, and my wife knows about my sexuality. When we first met I was upfront about some of my experiences and some feelings. We both decided that it was just something that would pass. I wanted it to be passing. I have fought this side of me for so long that I am still struggling to accept it. Fortunately she has been great with everything so far. She has even gone to say that an open or mixed orientation marriage is something she believes would work for us. I do not share that optimism. I also struggle with the fact that I don't feel right about having the open marriage. I would be too split when trying to balance two relationships if I fell in love with a man.

I guess I'll try and get to the point. In all of this, honesty with my wife has been the most important part. I try to be as honest with her as I am with myself, which is difficult at times. I struggle to separate my own beliefs from those I was raised and imprinted with. This makes me question how honest I am with myself at times. If at any time I was unable to have been honest with my wife everything would have fallen apart. So my advice to you would be that you need to be honest with yourself at the very least. This isn't easy I know. I agree that if you hold this all in it will eventually cause trouble. Finding the strength to be brave and come out to your wife hopefully will come before it leads to more secrets. You never know, it could turn out better than you expect. In any case, you are not alone.

 

I wish I could relate to all this talk about coming out, but as I never did I can't. Even after being divorced A dozen years my X still doesn't know. As I see it Kieth & I could be wrong, but it seems you want out of your marriage. However you don't want to deal with the repercussions of coming out. Well you don't have to, there are other reasons people get divorced. I know the thought of loosing your family is hard, but keep in mind your not really loosing them they will still be A part of your life. I know this is A tough decision to make. However sooner or later your going to have to decide. I"M reminded of something someone told me once. Life comes with decisions you can choose one or the other, but you can't not choose. I asked him to explain. He said; imagine this. Your standing on A train track & A train is rushing toward you. You can choose to step off the tracks & save yourself. Or choose to stand there & be killed. You have no other choice. You can't not choose. Seems to me you have choices to make here Come out or not come out. Divorce or not divorce. Come out & divorce. Divorce & stay in the closet. Or do nothing. Which is not choosing. Which in my opinion is standing on the tracks & letting the train decide. I'M sure your feeling confused rite about now, I know I am. I wish you luck my friend your going to need it.

 

Keith,

It was my experience, and the experience of so many I read on EC, that ignoring the gay part of you probably isn't the most feasible option. It's a situation of "Once you know the truth..." and you can't really go back into denial. That's what happened to me. Once I came out to myself and accepted the fact that I'm gay, I could no longer go back into denial, and living with it daily became torture. It made me depressed and terribly unhappy.

From your posts, it looks like you're already there with this being torture and feeling depressed. I'm concerned for you that these thoughts aren't going to go away, and it may just eat at you little by little until you are a basket case.

I know this is tough, and probably the toughest thing you'll ever go through. I can't promise that your wife will accept you. I can't promise that she won't leave you and file for divorce. I can't promise that you'll get acceptance from anyone (although my experience was that no one rejected me). The only real promise I can make to you is that it will resolve the conflict for you and likely make you much happier in your life - after a time.

I don't think you can put the genie back in the bottle. You can try, but I fear the consequences of doing so for you.

This may not be what you want to hear, and it may even scare you some more, but I have to be honest with my opinion, for whatever it's worth.

Take care.

 

Keith,
Off loading is exactly what we are all here for. It's strange and confusing to be in your predicament. It's not going to be easy whatever path you choose. About a year ago I tried suicide as an out. I just felt that it would be better on so many levels, and also easier. This is where I ended up after about three or four years of sporadic periods where the urges and longing would appear. I didn't and don't want to abandon my wife and children. They are so important in my life. It came down to me having the choice of trying to stay where I was, hoping to hold it all together when I really want something else or to making the leap to tell my wife what I have been feeling and allow her to be a part of the decision making process. It sometime gets jumbled in my brain how things have happened. I just knew that no matter what, people would be hurt.

Even though I had tried to be upfront about everything with my wife from the start I never really admitted to myself or her what I want. Especially when the things I want collided and really couldn't work together. I want to be with a man, it's not just a sexual urge either. I also want to stay in her life and my children's. I want my marriage to not be a failure. I want nobody to get hurt. Isn't one of the main reasons for telling her is that you really do want to be with a guy? You aren't responsible for how she feels, if you were then you could just make her be okay and feel great about all of it. Even the feelings that first appear for her may change after some time and thinking. One of my problems is thinking that I know how people are going to feel.

There are many problems that I have run into over my life, especially pertaining to this aspect of it. Some I have actually come to learn about by simply trying to help others on this forum. I try and give people advice on things when I really need to take it myself. I try not to identify with a label personally. This is because I want to be with a man, I have a wife and children with her, I've been sexual with men and women. So logically I must be bisexual and be perfectly fine staying in my monogamous heterosexual relationship. This isn't really the case for me so I try not to label myself. Right now I feel like this doesn't make much sense so I'all leave it at that.

 

Hey Keith

You know that being bisexual does not mean you cannot be monogamous. Some bisexuals don't need to be with members of the same sex to be emotionally and sexually satisfied. I would say that was me for most of my life. Being bisexual sort of didn't matter except that the secret was unhealthy to the relationship with my wife.

When I came out, I remained monogamous for several months. Now, I have had sexual relationships with men for a couple months. But, during the interim time where I was out to my wife and remaining monogamous I started exploring what it felt like to let the full range of my sexuality be a part of my daily life. It was really what I needed the most. The sex is only a part of it and I think not as big a part as I thought it would be.

Last night I met a gay friend and had beers, laughed joked, guy watched, discussed relationships etc. What we didn't do was have sex...he is a strictly platonic friend. It was one of the best evenings I have had in a long time. Better than the hookups really.

It turns out what I need is not the sex with men...although I desire it. What I really need is the affirmation of those gay feelings and desires. The ability to let them be a part of me. In retrospect, feeling that my wife would not accept all of me, or that she would no longer desire me because of my bisexuality, would be an impossible thing to live with. I just didn't know how much I had begun to resent my wife and my relationship with her because of the fear of being rejected. Even though I was, and am, desperately and passionately in love with her and would, and did, feel I need to give up anything for her.

Someone on this forum asked me a simple question before I came out. "Why do you love this person if you don't believe she could love you for what you are?" The same thing you mentioned about your friends accepting you. The question sent me into a tailspin for a couple weeks to be honest. It seemed that maybe all the love I felt could be based on a lie. Well, it wasn't at all. The love was real and the disclosure my wife just treated as "more information on what makes you who you are".

It would be a big loss for you if you cannot experience your entire sexuality and this will wear you down. At some point, it will likely come to a crisis for you and you may make a mistake and seek the affirmation of the gay aspects of your sexuality through physical intimacy.

 

Keith

How would you assess the state of your marriage, right now? Do things seem the same as always, or is the tension beginning to show in the relationship? It's clearly telling on you, but is it feeding into the relationship?

I ask these questions, because I wonder if you would consider the idea of asking your wife to attend relationship counselling with you, in order to address this issue. To begin with, you may wish to speak to a relationship counsellor privately, so you can sketch out the issue, your fears/concerns and potential outcomes and then invite your wife to attend.

It's a scary thought, I know, but would you at least have a one to one conversation with a relationship counsellor to see if there is a way forward? It might be the best thing you could do.

This website Relationships Ireland may be of interest.

 

Hi Keith83. I may have a slightly different perspective on things. Please forgive me if it offends you. Your post resonates with me.

My upbringing/beliefs/life structure make it impossible for me to have any sort of same gender sexual encounter/ relationship for the rest of my life. I've had these feelings since I was a child and I'm now in my 30s. I still haven't had any sexual experience with a man and never will as long as I stay in control . I won't go into details but for me, homosexuality is not an option. I suspect that you are in a similar position (albeit ultimately less concrete than my situation).

I completely get it when you say you get episodes of extreme depression. I am the same. The other weekend I was in complete despair. I was in tears (and I never cry about anything else). I was shouting 'why me'?! and the like. I get suicidal very often, mostly because of this chronic problem.

While your escape would be coming out/ having an experience with a man, mine would be suicide. Yet we both cannot go through with this because of the repercussions.

So what can we do? We just have to live with it as best we can. What options do we have? None really. Sometimes doing the right thing hurts. I wanted you to know that you're not the only one going through this intense depression. I know this probably doesn't make it easier, but at least you have a wife. Not everyone can say that (including myself).

Let's hope we can both get through this, hopefully more easily as life progresses.

 

Well, that is certainly true. You either are or you aren't. The option is whether to act upon it. You say you've chosen not to, and never will. I'm sorry to tell you that the pressure you feel now from not acting will only get worse. You will NOT be able to "stay in control" indefinitely, or at least, not without significant repercussions to your health and well being. Since you give no details about your life situation, I can only urge you to reexamine your "upbringing/beliefs/life structure" to see if they are, indeed, as immutable as you think. And I would also urge you to seek professional help, since you have alluded to feelings of depression and suicide.