Before I start going In details on my past I wish to warn you that this will be a long read... I do hope that some of you read it ... I don't know maybe someone can relate or something. I honestly really dislike going to this much detail about my past because I have huge fear of being told that I am not a girl ( I will go in more detail later in the post) Anyway here goes noting.. Honestly unlike a large number of transgender ... As I child I never recalled doubting my gender or refusing to wear boy clothing... I played with stereotypically boy toys (Toy gun/swords, cars and ect) I never remember ever wanting to toys that are usually for girls.... But then again I don't recall that much... I do have memories of me playing with toys as young child but I never recall anything like that.. I remember playing house with my neighbour and cashier.. but then again I use to play wresting with my older brother and even remember pretending to fight with my neighbour with sticks... I also use to play video games but then again at a young age I barely knew what was going on in a video game in the first place... But I mostly enjoyed watching tv.... So I basically use to play with things that stereotypically guys play.. Anyway here we are going to the point that I highly dislike to say.... At a 7 I start crossdressing.... I was an odd night.. I was in my sister room and I had this weird though and from their... I assume my puberty started... I use to remember female underwear late at night for arousal..(It wasn't on the spot arousal... I would.. pitch a hand in I guess) And from that point I started crossdressing when I was well masturbating I guess. I do remember wearing my sister shoes( I use to love these pair she had) and sometime even used this crème lipstick... but again still I cross-dressed mostly for masturbation needs . As time passed ... things got more... ummm intense I guess. at some point I started dressing fully as girl and masturbating... I use to remember that sometime I use to wear my feminine clothing(really comfy) for sleep but again that doesn't help me clear my mind... when I turned 11 I started questioning myself.. before I never honestly questions myself about it.. I did know it something wrong since I did it in secret but again.. I never though about it that much.. I simply did it . At first I spend a lot of time thinking I was gay( Now from young age.. I knew that I liked girls.... it not something that I ever questioned before) after I started questioning myself.. I was a bit depressed... ( lucky now I am fully aware that I am bi/pen-sexual. although I still doubt it bit ) from that I started question my gender.. it wasn't as intense as it is now... at that time I spend a lot of time worrying about my gender. At school I was bullied a lot .. and thanks to that a school therapist notices me and I started seeing him a lot .... I mean I use to have two session with him weekly and even sometime in summer we had session.. he was a good friend.. and since I only had one friend ( and keep in mind he didn't treat me well) I was mostly alone... after sometime I opened up with him about my confusion on my sexual orientation and my gender confusion as -well. he did some help me and when I had problems.. I went to him ... again I screwed up big time as young child..... I Prefer not to go on any more details on that... Anyway that being said I am going to mention something that also my doubt that I am a girl.... Like I continued masturbated in female clothing till now... I recently stopped it simply because it confusing me more and I though that if I stopped it.. it might help me .... I also spend a large time thinking of having sex....(Sorry for to much detailed) and being in feminine clothing.. Because a large part of my fight is simply on the point that all these thing hint of me being just crossdresser... I spend a lot of time thinking I was that... but I honestly don't think that I am that. I know there is more to this.. I am not simply a crossdresser :s I can't be... I don't want to be :s :tears::tears::tears: also Something that makes me doubt myself is that as young girl... I use to play a lot of imaginary games...... and each time imagine myself... I never imagined myself as female... like true that when today I think about it.. I want to imagine myself as female but at young age I didn't ... I also like some clothing that are meant for men... like sometime I like a pair of male shoes and I buy it .... I like the shoes.. .but since it males it makes my head explode with confusion.. it happens each time I see something that males usually wear and I freak out.. like my mind immediately uses something to make me doubt myself even more Now here I thing that might hint that I am girl. I honestly always had huge love for romantic movies(I know I am being stereotypical here), I also sometime I when I waiting.. I sometimes had feminine posing which is something that I noticed. At school I use to remember that sometime I use to grab dandelions and blow them make a wish... and I sometime I wished that in the morning I woke up as girl.. I also remember at some point where I am not sure what I told my parent which made my mother come to my room and ask me if I liked dicks or vagina.. and i freaked out and said vagina... I use to remember wanting to dress up as girl for karnival(Something we have were i live... were people would dress up in goofy costumes) so i though it was perfect time for me to experiment .... but i never did it... As for my dreams.. The only time i actually dreamed i was girl was this year... and i was so happy about ... i don't know why... as for my other dreams. most of them i was always a boy :s I did have some dreams were i would be in female clothing... and since dreams are usually cryptic i always though that they maybe meant something different i guessed. at a young age I created this account of girl... at first I use to used it to talk to girls that i liked and see if they felt the same was as i did... but honestly by time the account become more... as for today that account is still active and i use it everything.... At one point i used more then my original account. I don't know why but i felt more confident on that account... No one ever doubted that my account was fake... I made friends. I have two groups on facebook that does well... The older i grew my interest in this also grew with it.. i spend a lot of time before thinking on how i would look as female and i had this weird feeling in my stomach each time that i imagined my self... I always imagined my self somewhat punk-ish with nose piercing... (Always wanted to get one ) and i use to spend sometime to think of me in the position that i was in as the opposite gender and it always made me feel that weird feeling .. I honestly loved it when people said i looked a girl and even twice i was mistake for a girl with short boy hair and bit of make up... which honestly made me feel so happy..... I always even at young age wanted to buy women's clothing.... And at this time right now i still do.. i buy more actually... I never really cared about my appearance as a guy.. I ate a lot food.. I'm honestly a chubby person... I barely washed (I know... eww xD) And i honestly never liked buying clothing.. I always remember that i did dislike shopping.. sometime i did enjoy it ... but most of the time i didn't .. because again.. i never cared much about clothing.. now it could of been simply because i had low self esteem still do.. but when i was thinking about being woman ... I always though of my self to be fit.. well taken care off .... and i went on a diet.. which is something so unlike me that my entire family knew that if i was dieting it was because of that (My family was always somewhat aware of this ) but again.. i start doubting myself .. and i am back were i was... :bang: :bang: :bang: :bang: Luckily i was never afraid to ask store if they would offer me services with me being in male body and all.. and i happy that I had the guts to do so... Some store outright rejected me ... but again i found some who welcomed me with open arms... Like I recently started working as a sales person at store and next door we have a lingerie store... and i asked if i could come by.. and she was amazingly kind... not only did she opened the store(twice) 30 minutes before the store was going to be open but she also held the bags for so i can go to work and pick them up. she also spend time searching her clothing to see if she has something to sell and she also gave me fair discount.... and one time i wanted to buy this make up bag from my own store and she literary came to my store and pretended to buy it for me... like how amazing can she be... she is also super supportive and gave me so much encouragement which is why i started the diet i the first place.... i also found this open minded nail technician and she gave me pedicure about a week ago... I am honestly grateful for these people she also once told me that my face was really feminine which made me feel awesome.. And for sometime i always set things on me being female.. my ps4 account/xbox account/pc account... even store i buy from.. like i recently bought clothing for boohoo and i set it on the name clothing and i had some problem and i sadly had to change it my real name.. which is upsetting me a bit :s Now i have a huge fear... my biggest fear is being told that i am not a girl... like i have this horrible of going to therapy and being told that i am not girl.... or when i would start transition the doctor would tell me that i am not girl and therefore i can't transition.... Honestly right now i am so afraid of reading the replies simply because i am afraid that someone is going to tell me that i am not female :s it freaks the hell out of me ... :tears::tears::tears::tears: Anyway is there anyone like me out there ? maybe going through the same things ? Am i normal :s :s :s I honestly just wish someone would just tell me that i'm girl and i would finally accept it And I am so sorry for the extremely long post and thanks for those who actually read it all...
There are a few more things that i wish to add. Something that i also wish to add is that when people use my female name and use female pronouns i have the same weird feeling i do. When i went to the pedicure and she treated me as any other female.. made me feel amazing :s I never hated my body or my private parts... I'm not saying that if i am really girl i wouldn't change it .. but I don't hate it ... Neither my body.. I don't think i ever did . Which is something that also worries me.. since at some cases some hate it so much that they are willing to chop it off :s ... or not even look in the mirror ... Things are changing ... But I never felt the same feeling i feel when i imagine myself as female when i look at the mirror and see my body... but then again i never cried in the mirror as looks at myself :s Something that honestly bothered me as-well And I am honestly terrified of getting replies on this post.. there a part of me who is eager to see replies but then there is also part of me that is terrified :sss Like i am so sick of doubting myself but then again... i have some many things causing me to doubt myself :bang::bang::bang::bang:
It sounds pretty normal to me. There's a lot of overlap between your story, my story, and pretty much every post I've read on this board. Hopefully you've been reading around here and found a lot of similar feelings and insecurities, and are starting to feel less alone.
Do you really think that this is normal for transgender ? i honestly hope its a yes.. because i really have been hating myself for being so different from what usually transgender go through :s :bang::bang::bang:
Not everyone's experience of being trans is the same. I can't tell you for sure if you're a woman, a man, or something else, but I can say that your experiences in childhood aren't the be-all-end-all of your gender identity. I have barbie toys left over from my youth. One of my favourite movies was Barbie as Rapunzel. I STILL like My Little Pony. I did have "boy's toys" as well because my parents were relatively open-minded (though I doubt if I was assigned male that they'd have bought me "girl's toys"), but I didn't outright reject "girl's toys" or "girl things" until I went to school - which was when I demanded never to wear a dress again, because none of the other boys did and it made me feel weird to be the only boy (as I feel I saw myself) in a dress. But there are plenty of trans people who will never have had ANY experience of being a different gender identity in their youth, and conformed relatively fine with their assigned gender until they were older. That's one of the reasons that there are people who transition later in life. Don't base your own feelings on other people's feelings or experiences. They aren't you, you are an individual and as such the way you react to situations/feelings/events is not going to be the same as everyone else (and because everyone else is also an individual, not all of their experiences are the same as each other). This goes for everything, including being transgender. Just because you don't feel intense dysphoria (the feeling of discomfort, unease, or in general "not right"-ness) for your body or it isn't as bad as what other people feel, that doesn't mean you aren't trans. You seem to feel significant "gender euphoria" (happiness and pleasure at being addressed and seen as your preferred gender identity) so that could very well be an indicator of being trans. A pretty big blaring indicator to me is that you are terrified of being told "no, you're a man, this is just a fetish" - I don't understand why someone would be scared of this unless they know they are not a man, but I'm not an expert on gender identity or questioning so I couldn't tell you definitely one way or the other. The main point I'm trying to make though is that there isn't one particular "checklist" of everything that someone needs to be or feel in order to be trans, so if it does turn out that you are a trans woman, please don't feel that you aren't "trans enough". It would be a good idea to try to abstain from masturbating when you present in a feminine way for a while, I think - like a few months or so. If your pleasure and joy at being seen and treated as female stays, I'd consider it a pretty good sign that you are a woman or transfeminine in some way. If the joy and pleasurable feeling at being seen as female fades, then there's a likelihood that this is very sexually-driven for you and is possibly a fetish. In either case, it is a good idea to see a trans-friendly doctor or a gender therapist, since they will be able to help you discover yourself and, if you do go down the route of transitioning, they can support you and offer you access to HRT and SRS (if you choose to use them - again, not everyone is the same, and some people transition without medical treatment. You'll still be a woman whether or not you access HRT/SRS). I hope this helps, and good luck on your journey. (*hug*)
I think many people wonder if their crossdressing is just a fetish. Let's say that's the case and you are only dressing up in women's clothing for sexual pleasure. Well, now what? Are you going to keep doing it? If it brings you pleasure then why does it matter? No one can tell you that you are trans. It's completely a self reported thing. Even a gender therapist, which you might want to look into, won't exactly be able to tell you "Yes, you are trans" or "No you aren't".
I think when I was in mid to late childhood I experienced some amount of arousal wearing female clothes, though I am faab but bigender, not just general female clothes but very specific outfits and underwear I had at the time. My gender and sexuality are both a little odd though. That's why I identify as bigender. Not clear cut. Oh and I was very girly until I'd say around the age of 7 too. At least based on what I remember. Even after that time I was quite feminine in certain ways, but more androgynous overall.
Well first of all thank you for your reply. I pretty much liked what you said in the first two paragraph... but dislike the last one... I though of being just a "Crossdresser" Scares me and annoy the living crap out of me And i'm a really open minded person.. Couldn't careless whether someone who identify as female would wear female or males clothing.... but when it turns on to yourself its hard to explain... like the saying goes. Doctor make terrible patients. As the abstain of masturbation in female attire.. I have already stopped it honestly.. Like I wear female under garments daily. under my clothing... (Not in a sexual way.) and I hardly ever am turned on by it persay.. I was never turned on by simply being dressed.. I just grew up doing it and I guess it stuck with me..... But my head feels like it pretty much is going to explode now :s :bang::bang::bang:
Its more complicated then that ... I don't want to be just a " Crossdresser" . I'm not a crossdresser... I know I am more then just a crossdresser and I know that i'm more..... So that why it matters..... and I am fully aware that no one can tell me who I am.. but the point of this post wasn't for someone to tell me that I am trans ( Or preferably female ). Although I do wish someone can agree with me that i might be a woman... it would make me feel better.. but i know nobody can tell me .... so what the point of spending a lot of money so i can go talk to someone to tell me the same thing that other people will ? and not everyone can afford a gender therapist ... But the point of this post was to see if there are other transgender people like me.. .Someone i can relate too.. and maybe get some advice as-well... :bang:
Dang it, I had a lengthy response prepared, but I couldn't send it because I had to go to school. -_- Ah well, looks like I've been beaten to it. Glad to see you're beginning to figure something out.
I know the idea of just being a crossdresser scares you, and I'm very sorry about that, but it's important to think about it so that you can cross it off as something you are not. There are a lot of people who transition and later regret it because they misunderstood their feelings or weren't sure of what they wanted when they began transition. I honestly don't think you are misunderstanding your feelings at all, to me it does sound like you are more than a crossdresser. You seem so certain and sure that you are a woman, which means a lot more than some words on a screen saying "you could be trans" or "you're probably not trans". Believe in yourself and your feelings. I didn't fully understand at first that you'd already stopped associating dressing and presenting female as being sexual, sorry about that. And from your last post - finding occassional pleasure in dressing up sexily is something that everyone does, hell, I've been mildly turned on by wearing a suit before because I have a "thing" for guys in suits or uniforms. :lol: The more I read from you the more it seems like you are a woman. Talking to a gender therapist would really help you to affirm that, if you're able to find one.
XD i'm laughing so hard right now simply because this is the second time you replied to me and there is always that paragraph I dislike from your replies xD Don't get me wrong Anyway I've spend a long time thinking I was simply crossdresser.. I wasted enough time thinking that I am just simply a crossdresser And i'm not a crossdresser I'm not only crossing that but if I spend my entire life not hearing that word it still wouldn't be enough.. it bugs me and honestly starts my denial again when hear that words ... which sucks I honestly hate that words... And I not... I it bothers me .. when people say you might be a crossdresser... it really bugs me.. (Not arguing here just being honest ) And although that is true.. that seeing you are trans ( I prefer female) on the screen is not much.. but it makes me feel that I am not alone... I've been fighting this for so long.. that having someone hearing my story and saying that you might be a female just makes me happy.. it helps me .. Help the stress As for a therapist.. No thank Ya :3 I am not going to spend my hard earn cash on something that I need to figure out myself .... No therapist.. But thanks for your advice ---------- Post added 7th Oct 2016 at 05:04 PM ---------- Please send it.. I would love to hear your opinion
Ha, well, unconditional positive regard isn't always helpful to people. Sometimes you need to say things people don't necessarily want to hear/think about, especially when it comes to figuring out who you are. If we just said to everyone "yes, you're definitely trans, go ahead and transition!" there would be a lot of them who were unhappy because they didn't give the opposite idea - that they are cis - any thought. I try to provide a healthy mix of "possibly yes and here's why" and "possibly no and here's why", then leave it up to them to draw the final conclusions. :icon_wink
Right, here's my reply (as you asked): I'm in the same (or similar) boat as you, or at least I was up until VERY recently, so I can relate to a LOT of this. I'll just tell you a few things that helped me to figure myself out. I am trans male. I know that now. But despite that, I never once questioned my gender as a child. I never saw myself as one of "the guys", even though I did hang out with and act like them. I had never had dysphoric feelings towards my body, and I certainly never wanted to chop anything off. However I did enjoy dressing as a guy, though it wasn't so much for fun as it was for me to feel a strange feeling of comfort. I enjoyed imaging myself as a guy and I used to always play the male character in games. I realise you can't relate to all of this but the point I'm trying to say is that the signs of my transgenderism were very subtle as a child. It doesn't matter that you didn't know for most your life, either. It wasn't until puberty that I began to really feel different, and it took several MORE years after that to finally figure out I was a guy. Now about YOUR gender: the first thing you must remember is that your choice of clothes does NOT determine your gender. There are cis women in the world who wear masculine clothes, and cis men who wear feminine clothes and even makeup, but still identify as being their birth-assigned gender. Likewise, the fact that you liked video games and traditionally masculine toys doesn't mean you are necessarily male, nor does liking romantic films mean you're female. Something that COULD indicate you're female is imagining a world without gender stereotypes, where all genders could wear whatever clothes they wanted/play with whatever toys they liked as a child. In that world, would you call yourself male or female? It also interests me that you identify yourself as female on this forum, that's definitely worth taking notice. Unfortunately I can't tell you for sure if you're a girl, but I hope this helps. When exploring your gender identity, the most important thing to do is take your time: don't rush anything or try to convince yourself you're something or other. Given patience, you'll figure something out eventually. In the meantime, good luck. P.S. I'm going to have to agree with Cinis in that you DO type like a girl. While I was reading this thread, I could only imagine a girl typing it, which was what I imagined the whole way through. And don't even get me started on your username...
Well, ImHO, quite a few of the posts seem to boil down to this one fact. Sex, gender, and orientation are all very separate entities eg. one can be cis-male, with female identified gender, and gay orientation. All three are very distinct concepts, and mutually exclusive of one another. Not dependant on each other. Partner discusses blurring the lines between gender and orientation (trans-womon who transitions and is still attracted to womyn identifying as a lesbian), but this Gender Studies 401. Talk about confusing! Won't even go there right now!!!
I disagree.. All your doing is just scaring the person.... I don't agree with the way you consider giving advice.... When a friend of mine is worrying about something the last thing I want to do is to go and tell them what their fearing is true .... True,That you need to be somewhat realistically sometimes.... But what's wrong with people giving hope ? Is Like a when I read your post.. it actually gave me total mood change.. from being happy and you just pushed me back I denial.... and the idea of regret is something that I honestly don't believe in.... No cis person will question there gender to begin with... No one.. A cis person doesn't wish that in the morning she would wake up in woman body... Well I never met someone who would do something like that and be still a cis person :/ But I appreciate your advice either way... but all your advice did is just put me down and put more denial on me .. and I already mentally doing so .... But again thank you either way.. although they honestly were more damaging then helpful :s ---------- Post added 7th Oct 2016 at 10:07 PM ---------- Well first of all thank you for taking the time to re-write it . Its true that stereotypes are simply stereotypes... Its true that clothing choice doesn't effect gender... but then again.. when you wear young you prefer male clothing simply because you felt more comfortable in them.... Clothing shows what type of person you are... I personally always loved clothing... I always had a huge love for shoes and always remember being somewhat annoyed when I saw women with sneaker because I use to remember me saying that you have so much amazing shoes choices yet you choose somewhat that is somewhat manly xD But true.. clothing is just clothing gaming is unisex btw :3 and I did the same in games.. I always preferred playing female characters.. Till this day I prefer female character.. I am happy to hear that I type like girl xD Like I said.. No one ever question me on my fb(where It state that I am female) So happy to hear that. ---------- Post added 7th Oct 2016 at 10:09 PM ---------- I don't understand what you are trying to explain .- .
I want to re-explain myself. because my last post seem a bit ,, hostile... if it did so.. I am truly sorry.. I simply just hate to be told that there I chance that I might be just crossdresser... when I hear it.. I get this horrible feeling in my body and I just simply get depressed.... I spend so much time thinking I was a crossdresser and I am sick of it ... Is it wrong for me not wanting to hear it ? :tears::tears::tears: Is it wrong for me just want to be told that I am who I think I am ? Is it wrong i'm honestly feeling so down right now I was feeling so much better and yet I 'm back here again I know your trying to help me ... and I still want to thank you for it ..
The idea that someone cis wouldn't question their gender is false. There are a fair few people on this site who can atest to that. The number of people who transition and then detransition (a low number, but they still exist) also atests to that. When transgender people are gaining so much attention now, it's only natural that people would begin to wonder if they are trans due to the tiniest things - there have been people who question purely because they are gay or because they liked a the "opposite sex's toys" in their childhood or because they don't like to wear dresses. Not everyone who wonders if they are trans automatically is trans. I didn't intend to upset you, though, so I'm sorry for that. Again, to me you seem like you are a woman. But me just blindly stating "yes, you are a woman" isn't going to help you discover yourself... This will be the last post I make here, I don't want this to end up escalating anywhere. Best of luck in life.
