Please Advise with my 11 year old son very worried

First off it's nice to see that you are supporting him. If he is cutting that is an issue that does need attention. Otherwise about the only thing you can do is support him and love him let him come to you and talk about things (or not) in his own time.

 

Hi blsorenson,

Sorry to hear that your son is going through some hard times... Good on you for supporting him. Your help, support and understanding are very important to him, I am sure of it.

Keep it up, be his rock, be his mum!

Take care,
Mila

 

Continue to be quietly affectionate with him.

Show him more than usual that you care. I'm sure he desperately wants to talk to someone about some of these things (just read through some of the similar threads here from the point of view of the kids). He'll probably be drawn toward confiding more in you.

The more he can see you're trustworthy with those confidences, the better it can be. Most gay kids really do want a parent who accepts and loves them, just like any other kids do, but most of the gay kids worry a lot more about it..

 

First, I think you're awesome for being assertive yet sensitive to his needs. I think that by your visible and unequivocal show of support he knows that you love him. That's really all that's needed in my opinion.

Has your son's writing indicated that the thoughts of self-harm are related to being gay? Can you tell from his writing how he feels about being gay? I would ask him directly why he wants to cut himself, and how he feels about being gay, and see if that agrees with his writing. If he has harbored shame he may still not feel completely comfortable being honest with you.

I agree with faustian1 that you should continue to be affectionate with him, show him you love him, and also build his self-esteem. I know from being with my nephews that boys' self-esteem is a direct consequence of how other men and boys relate to them. In addition to showing him love I would emphasize his accomplishments, praise his good qualities, and build him up generally.

He's incredibly lucky to have you. I think you're going to be fine and you've already got the love you need.

*warm hugs*

Patrick
Seattle, WA

 

Have you seen any scars that would indicate self harm? Saying he was doing it for attention may be an excuse to keep you from worrying... So I might keep an eye out for scars... If it was only in a story, he may just have heard about it and been curious or thought it was taboo so it peaked his interest... But if he was cutting and you found out by reading a secret story he had written... Well let me put it like this, if it was only for attention, he would have at least made sure you saw it, not hidden it in a secret story, where he was also hiding his sexuality... That doesnt seem like something he wanted you to find, so what attention was he seeking?

That is just the automatic excuse everyone uses when caught doing self harm...

Also be aware that the scars would not be easily visible... IDK if it is possible, but you might try getting him to go to therapy saying you just want to make sure he is able to handle the assholes he is sure to encounter as a gay youth... But let the therapist know about the story and self harm before hand...

You could also try having an open convo about self harm... IDK if you know how it works or not, but discussing it openly as far as what happens physiologically and what it means emotionallly, etc... Self harm is just a bad coping mechanism, though it is VERY effective, and slightly addictive, similar to how some people say tattoos are addictive (both through the same physiological mechanisms)... If you think he is cutting and hiding it, you could always discuss alternative coping mechanisms... For me the one that ALWAYS worked the best was working out, or other physical activities....

Is your son having any other problems you know of? you dont cut because you are gay... ever... You cut because of emotional distress/anxiety in your life, its just that being gay can add so much anxiety that a lot of gay youth self harm... I just want to point out that it is just as reasonable to assume he is having difficulty elsewhere, as it is to assume it is primarily caused by sexual confusion/shame...

My last point is if you think he is cutting and want to find out, because you cant literally inspect him for marks, my suggestion is to sit down and have that open dialogue, but start it by expressing that you are not ashamed or angry if he is cutting, and then illustrate that you understand what cutting is/does... If you dont know, and want a rudimentary explanation, let me know, I can break it down pretty easily, but the important thing to realize is that if he is cutting he is obviously ashamed of it as illustrated by his denial, AND it really physically provides relief to emotional pain... There is actually physiological changes that occur in the brain when cutting... If you read up on it and then show that you understand it is providing him with relief, he may "come out" to you about the self harm... Just saying your not angry but you know it needs to be channeled into something else, like working out or self defense classes or something...

I hope you can figure everything out, and it is REALLY nice to see such a supporting mom... I really hope that you determine that your son is not self harming after all... Althouogh I do think it is the real reason behind your post... I think you seem pretty cool about the gay part, but trying to justify dismissing the self harm part... I understand the inclination, you love your son and want to think the best of him... It is important though that you truly find out if he is self harming..

Anyways, I think I wrote a long enough novel for now

 

Hi BL,

I am glad you posted. As a parent, I see a few things here that catch my attention. First is the step you already did...and I hope you will continue to do -- which is love and support. He is an adolescent which means that is primary job is to push away his parents. Don't stop letting him know even when he pushes! The second is the cutting. If you are convinced that he is not cutting, I would ask him to make an agreement with you that if he felt he wanted to harm himself in anyway that he would come talk to you. Third, The more you can be curious (without expressing worry...even though it exists) the more you are likely to get him to talk to you. I am a gay parent and a therapist. I often suggest trying to open avenues of connection not by asking questions because those are too easy to sidestep with one word answers or grunts, but by inviting a story. "Hey Joe, tell something you did today that made you proud of yourself..." or "Hey Joe, tell me about the time you figured it out..." The first few times may be challenging if he isn't used to opening up. I find it is usually easier for adolescents to be in the conversation when they don't have to do it face to face. This is why the car, on a walk or other place where they don't have to make eye contact is better. Eye contact is usually too intense! The other alternative that might be helpful because he likes to write is a journal where you write to him, and then he can write to you.

I think you are on the right track! Just keep being a great mom!

 

Hi blsorenson
I can't offer you any advise because you clearly don't need any. You, so far, have done everything I would advise anybody to do. So please know that you are a good Mom and as a good Mom it's your job to worry. I'm sure we all remember what we were like at 11 years old when we were trying so hard to get a sense of ourselves and trying to be independent people from our parents and trying to fit in with our peers all at the same time. It's confusing to an adult let alone an 11 year old. If the cutting isn't happening and he's safe and not harming himself. He's fine. Now that he knows that you know he's gay, When he's ready, he'll talk to you about it. I feel like if any of us had this support from our parents growing up, we would have come out much sooner. I know I would have.