As previously whined about discussed, I am leading a rather lonely existence. This has been a topic of bitching several times since I joined in 2013. Years back, things weren't quite so bad. I had a friend in my area. (Wow. What a great social success BMC77 is! He had a friend! One whole friend!) Unfortunately, the friendship imploded a few years ago. Long story, and there are some details that are too identifying of the people involved, so we'll just leave it at the end result: the friendship was all but destroyed. We stay in casual contact, but that is that. Perhaps oil can be poured on troubled waters. We have met for a coffee a few times, which went well. Part of me, however, felt like the relationship was unlikely to ever be healed. And one huge issue I saw was this: this friend is not in the least bit likely to accept the fact I'm gay. We are talking someone who is a conservative Christian, who has moved more in that direction over the years we've been acquainted. Recently, I've been wondering, though, if the friendship can't be revived. And, if so, if it wouldn't be worth reviving even if it means spending the rest of my life in a nailed-shut closet. Already, I can imagine the EC audience screaming: NO!!!!!! And, indeed, staying in the closet like this is not something I'd suggest if giving advice on someone else's post. At the same time, however, the idea does tempt... I have reached a point where my loneliness is something I can't deal with any longer. I have no mechanism left for realistically making friends given my current resources. And, a voice whispers, why even come out when you have zero chance of ever having a relationship? I doubt very much that I'll follow through on this "plan." More likely, I'll try to survive, lonely or not. There are other (lesser) issues of why trying to restore this friendship may not be a good idea. But I'd be lying if I didn't say I'm tempted to stay in the closet. Just to end this lonely isolation that seems to be my curse for the rest of my :***: life.
Even if you did go through with the plan and revive this friendship (I know you said you probably would not), wouldn't you have some resentment towards this friend b/c s/he is now partly responsible for your staying in the closet? I know I would for sure...
Do you know for sure that your friend would reject you? What if your friend accepted you and you were able to revive the friendship? It seems like that possibility isn't even remotely in your mindset. For me the question would be how good could the relationship be if you cannot be the real you? What's the point then? Any friend of mine who cannot accept that I'm gay is not a friend.
Good point, and probably the answer is yes, there would resentment because the friend is partly keeping me closeted. Or making me decide to stay closeted. Indeed, I remember feeling some frustration when I first joined EC. I might have come out of the closet years ago if it hadn't been partly due to this friend. Although that was then in 2013...when I still had some optimism, and actually thought one day I might actually be marketable for a relationship. That optimism is long gone, replaced by either pessimism or realism, depending on one's view. ---------- Post added 2nd Oct 2016 at 08:48 PM ---------- Knowing this person, the best we probably could hope for would be tolerance. And not much of that. And trust me, I have also considered the issue of what is the point if I cannot be me. Unfortunately, I also consider a lifetime of total social isolation. Question of the day, I guess, is this: is it better to be alone and lonely, but honest? Or having a friend of sorts--who at least is someone to do things with--even though one has to shield a part of oneself? The honorable choice is, of course, to be alone and lonely. But that is easier said than done. Easier accepted intellectually than emotionally. ---------- Post added 2nd Oct 2016 at 08:58 PM ---------- Should be "alone and honest", not "alone and lonely." My Inner Editor has been working too hard this weekend, and is now letting things slip, I guess!
I've had zero luck making friends. This has been a battle for several years. Recent thread talking about this (one of many, too :tears: http://emptyclosets.com/forum/lgbt-later-life/222297-accepting-loneliness-moving.html
BMC77, We may be thousands of miles away but you have friends here you always turn to for advice, comfort or just chat so you are never alone.....
Dare I suggest something radical that might kill two birds with one stone? Why don't you revive the friendship and come out to him? You have nothing to lose and everything to gain.
