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Coming out at uni

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by ConverseCody, Sep 30, 2016.

  1. ConverseCody

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    I've recently started a masters degree at uni. The course is great and my course mates are very friendly. My masters program is very international and attracts people from all over the world.

    I am studying in Scotland which is in the most part a pretty tolerant and liberal place. I've received little homophobia, and I'm really lucky to have an awesome boyfriend and accepting parents.

    However, I'm scared to come out at uni as most people on my course are from very homophobic countries (Nigeria, Uganda, Mauritius, Ghana and Kenya). I've openly spoken about my bf to the two UK class mates and the German one as I assumed they'd be cool with it or at least aware of LGBT people.

    I'm reluctant to talk openly to my other course mates as I fear they may have never met anyone who is gay before or have very homophobic beliefs. For instance in Uganda its punishable by death.

    This has got me very anxious. I want to make friends on my course. The thought of someone thinking that sleeping with my bf is illegal fills me with dread. However, at the same time, I know that I shouldn't feel ashamed and that these people are studying in the UK and should therefore respect the laws/customs of this country. I don't want any drama or homophobia but at the same time I don't feel as though I should have to hide who I am as if any of them do have homophobic opinions I know they're wrong.

    Maybe I'm stressing over nothing but I have to spend 4 days a week 9am-5pm with my class mates and I'd rather not hide who I am. Just don't want any hassle :frowning2:

    Any advice? :slight_smile:
     
  2. yuanzi

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    ConverseCody, I think I can relate to that. I am doing grad school in the US and most people in my degree program are international students (I am Chinese myself). I was very hesitant at first to come out to anyone. I remember I went to a TA training session where the instructor was asking people to raise their hands if they had any lgbt friends (it was a session on the importance of diversity). All the American students raised their hands while most international students had wtf expressions. That was a very sad moment for me.

    But I ended up coming out to many people when it cropped up in conversations. Some did not care at all. The rest just gave nervous chuckles and changed the topic. I have yet to encounter any really nasty reaction. (There is no one from Africa in my program though. Most are from Asian and Mid-Eastern countries).

    I cannot remain closeted to my close friends (and I am out to all of them) but I don't particularly care to come out to someone that happens to sit in my classroom. I don't hide it either. In your case, maybe you can test your classmates a little bit by just mentioning lgbt related news and see how they'd react? You might have a better assessment then.
     
  3. ConverseCody

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    Thanks Yuanzi. I'm glad to hear nobody gave you a nasty reaction. We had a lecture where gay neighbourhoods were mentioned and nobody seemed to appear too shocked. With my UK friends I've just mentioned it when it naturally came up in conversation. I may do as you've suggested and mention some lgbtq news and see how they react.
     
  4. Barbatus

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    Hi ConverseCody,

    I think Yuanzi's suggestion is a good one. Another might to explain to your UK and German friends that you have this concern and are worried about the reaction from your other class mates. Then they can provide support either by explaining to them how things are different here or just by making it clear that it isn't right to make homophobic comments. Alternatively, you could just mention your boyfriend at a natural point in the conversation and let the chips fall. (I'm guessing that is your least preferred option right now but it is an option but it is an option.)

    You might also have to accept the possibility that they will react badly no matter what you do or say - it might just be too much of a culture shock. Hopefully that won't happen but you might need to be aware that that may happen.

    You know the situation better than we do, so maybe test the water with Yuanzi's suggestion first. The silver lining, like you said you've got a great boyfriend, accepting parents, your studying in a great place and you've already made some friends - keep these people in context, the fact that if they react badly is no reflection on you and you have a lot going for regardless of their attitude. :slight_smile:

    Hope this helps and feel free to post again. Let us know how it goes. Best wishes.
     
  5. ConverseCody

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    Thanks Barbarus :slight_smile: I think I'll talk to some of my friends I'm already out to. I know one of them will definitley have my back as she shares pro-LGBT things on her facebook page and always likes my photos of my bf and myself.

    Thanks again for the advice :icon_bigg
     
  6. Lin1

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    I have just started Uni in a new place about a week ago and while I don't hide my sexuality (I am out to everyone I know pretty much) and live in a very LGBT-friendly country I still try to tread carefully as I have just arrived and don't know most people enough to be certain of how they would react. To be fair there is at least a gay guy and bi girl in half of my classes and they are well integrated so I don't fear much (nor do I actually care if my classmates hates my sexuality or not!) but I still take my time and will most likely only come out to people who actually need to know.

    I am not ashamed of who I am nor would I ever lie about my sexuality but I don't necessarily think everyone in my grade need to know I like girls. The same way I don't really care what most of my classmates do behind close doors.

    I fully understand the fact that you don't want to hide your sexuality nor your relationship with your bf, but do all the students of your master degree really need to know?

    The african culture is rather conservative regarding homosexuality (especially between guys) and while it's true people travelling abroad should adapt to the country they visit, some things are just too deply rooted in them to brush off that easily. So while I would obviously not advice you to hide, I would also not advice you to put yourself at risk if you think they could be homophobic.

    I'd like to think nobody would physically assault you for your sexuality but it's probable that some people may react badly and make it an awkard year for you which I don't think is worth the risk ?

    I would really advice you to only come out to people you feel safe coming out to. It's a shame homophobia is still a thing but it is and you need to put your safety (as well as your quality of life) above the freedom of being fully out to everyone.

    Good luck and hope you'll manage to be yourself while remaining safe ! :slight_smile:
     
  7. Barbatus

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    I think what Linning said about safety is important but they is why having someone know what your concern is and when you plan to come out to them will help. Also in case they say any homophobic some will be there to say 'its not acceptable to say such things here'.

    As long as you have some friends to support you I'm sure you will be able to deal with their reaction. Hope it goes well.
     
  8. ConverseCody

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    Thanks for the advice. As its uni and we're all mature I don't think I would physically be in danger. I don't think anyone would beat me up in class (or at least I hope not) but there is a very high chance someone might say something and most definitely think something bad.

    My university is very pro-LGBT so I guess if I was given a hard time there would be people I could complain to. Also like you said I already know I have three allies who have been cool with me being gay. I may speak to a couple just to say how I'm feeling.

    Keeping it a complete secret would be difficult seeing as its all over my social media and I live with my bf throughout the week.

    If someone does say something I guess I'll just have to stand up for myself and hope my friends have my back
     
  9. Barbatus

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    I'm sure your friends will have your back as they will understand your concern and the difficulty your class mates might have - and also the problems that could arise.

    Hopefully, because they are international students, they will be somewhat prepared for things being different. Hope it all goes well.
     
  10. ConverseCody

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    Thank you :slight_smile: Fingers crossed this year is okay!
     
  11. Barbatus

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    Even if things don't work out with them, you can still have a great year. I hope things go well though but whatever have a great year. :slight_smile:
     
  12. klix

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    I think you are doing the right thing in being yourself.

    As a member of staff at a University working with students like yourself my recommendation would be to to reach out to a member of staff you feel comfortable with, that could be anyone from a librarian, technician, councilor, course leader, tutor, anyone you've perhaps already met and ask for some support.

    Trust me, we see everything and we all want to and have a responsibility to help you.

    You've also got the student union who will almost certainly have an LGBT or diversity officer who should be there to help too.

    I hope this helps and brings some other ideas to the table.