Married Gay Man

That's good to hear. Do be prepared for this to have ups and downs for a while. Just when you think she's all good, you and she will have a bad day, so don't let it throw you off course. This will get better, just slowly.

 

I've had that experience too. When I came out, my son was in a summer-long music program a state away, and we traveled 5 hours for weekend trips multiple times over the summer. The trips included hotel stays and long car rides. I know that awkwardness very well. Other awkwardness also came from the lack of touch with her. Both of us just totally backed off touching each other because it was awkward to do it, and it created its own awkwardness too. We talked about it though. Now, our lack of the normal marital-type touch isn't as awkward for us because we mutually understand that we have to move on. We still hug, and I encourage you to hug your wife as often as she will let you. If she doesn't want to, that's fine, but try if you can.

This is good. When my wife was able to express some feelings of anger, it did help her a lot. You can't force that, though. It needs to happen on her terms. I'm so proud that you stood up for your coming out journey. That's so important. That determination to COME OUT AND STAY OUT is so central to my being right now. Stay true to that for yourself.

Right! I think your journey is mirroring mine in so many ways. It will continue to take some time while you ride this roller coaster. I do want to give you some things to think about regarding the quote directly above:

1. Be aware that your wife sounds like she's in a bargaining stage. She's trying to find a way to keep this all together. She doesn't want a divorce and thinks you two can "work this out." Her "agreement to an open marriage" sounds like it may be just another example - a concession on her part in order to keep you in the marriage. I'm not advocating that you MUST get divorced, but it sounds like you are already on the same trajectory as me, the knowing that you want, no NEED to live as an openly gay man and give yourself the possibility of truly finding the love and passion that you need, so there's no real point in staying married to a woman you can't love with passion.

2. I think you are right in wanting to stay friends, and you giving her the time she needs to come to acceptance in her own way is the best chance you have in remaining friends. Like so many of us, you probably married your best friend. She asked, "Why did you marry me?" I don't know what your answer was. My wife didn't ask that question specifically. I know the real answer to the question for me, but I don't know if I will answer it if asked by her. My answer is "because you loved me." When I think about, it sounds sort of crappy, to marry someone just because they loved you, but I know it's the real truth. Ok, I still have a little shame over that one.

3. Before you move forward, I would suggest that you make sure she knows what "I can go out every so often and just be myself" really means. I made sure, in plain words but completely unmistakable and unmisunderstandable, that an open marriage means I will be going on dates with men and will probably include having sex with them. That was a hard conversation to have because it makes you so vulnerable and honest about your full intentions. However, I got through it and we now have a completely mutual understanding of the expectations going forward. She has no illusions that the future of our marriage is just temporary. We have largely become roommates with children.

4. Continue to do the things you have regularly done through all these years. It helps to continue with things that feel normal. Whatever you guys do, still do even if there's some initial awkwardness. TV watching, shopping, movies, etc. whatever has been your normal.

5. Constant reminders of your relationship in your language are counter-productive. Begin using your wife's name more and using your pet names for her less. Honey, sweetie, babe, or whatever your pet name(s) are for her, make a conscious effort to slowly reduce your use of them - not an abrupt halt of them, just noticing when you use them and being aware of it, then using her name more and the pet name less, until you no longer call her by the pet names. If you do it well, she may not even really notice. The effect though will be a help to you I believe.

You're doing great, wvbear! Patience is key, even when it's awkward or lonely. Try not take her "I hate you" statements too hard. She's just hurting, and I think it will get better.

Take care. ride:

 

I'm sorry to read this, but not really surprised. This roller coaster ride of emotions does have its ups and downs. What happened yesterday?

 

My wife starting really getting much more comfortable about all of this once she had a way to talk about it with others - and not me. She got connected to a secret facebook group of straight spouses, and there's online forums like Straight Spouse Network and others that you could find on the net.

My wife ended up not seeing a therapist because by then she felt she didn't really need it. However, I do think you wife needs some support from other people who are in her same situation. You cannot be her entire support network because you don't really understand her feelings any more than she really understands yours. You have EC. What does she have?

I really think it's important that you get her to see that she needs some kind of support network. If not a therapist, then some type of online support then. Do you think you could try this?

 

It does sound like she has been learning. MOM, or mixed-orientation marriage, isn't a term in most people's vocabulary unless you are looking for information, so that's a positive sign, I think.

You're doing good. Keep talking about it, it helps.

 

Mixed orientation marriage is a new one to me. As long as there was no emotional or physical abuse going on in the marriage, then a marriage counselor might be helpful when she is ready. If you don't know what I mean by emotional abuse, skim through this list and you will get an idea. Any kind of abuse is not okay even if you feel it may be justified.

I will just add, divorce may seem like the obvious choice to some. However, divorce is no cake walk even if everyone agrees on why you are doing it. I have not been married quite as long as you, but I do understand trying to work through it. Hang in there and try to find some peace.

 

Thank you for giving others the chance to be involved. I am myself dealing with a similar matter at the moment, not having come out to my spouse but building up to it. Seems like the hardest thing in the world to do though.. :/

 

Sama situation here. I feel like seperation is the only option I want to take perhaps after a few months but I don´t see the point really of going through this if I am gonna remain in a passion free relationship.