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Why are pronouns so difficult?

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by ThatOneAlien, Sep 26, 2016.

  1. ThatOneAlien

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    I understand how it is hard for people who have known me a long time to suddenly switch to a new set of pronouns. What I don't get is people who barely or never knew me before I came out and they still slip up. For me, if someone tells me their pronouns, that is how I think of them. Is it different for people who are not trans themselves? Did people who hardly talked to me before still ingrain an idea of me as a girl that deeply? I thought it would be interesting to hear some thoughts on this.

    (This isn't meant to sound angry, just curious.)
     
  2. Pel

    Pel
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    Don't worry, you don't sound angry. I understand how you feel. I've never seen someone make this mistake, but it seems really tiresome just thinking about it. Personally, when I found out a close family member was trans when I was about 11 or 12, I had absolutely no problem changing pronouns. I didn't even know what transgender was at the time and still only slipped up maybe once or twice. It was no big deal to me, really.

    It doesn't really make sense unless perhaps you appear very feminine to the point where seeing you makes them automatically think female? Some people are just like that and rather than stop and remember, they immediately use the pronoun they are most used to using with someone who looks female. Just a thought.

    Also, I think they may just be nervous. If someone wants to use certain pronouns, I may be a little uncertain at first and I'm not quite sure why. Maybe it's this subconcious feeling that I may offend that person even though that's what they want?

    Well, it's either of those things or maybe they're just mean. :/
     
  3. ThatOneAlien

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    I'm pre-T but I present about as masculine as possible. I pass most places except my college classes since I usually look and sound a bit too young for a college age guy. I didn't think of nervousness though, that's a good point. I actually get nervous a lot when people use the right pronoun because I think they or others are secretly judging me lol.

    I don't think they are trying to be mean though, so I guess it could be worse.
     
  4. Cinis

    Cinis Guest

    I think it'll settle with time
    We had a pre T transguy in school and when he first came out everyone kept slipping up with pronouns and birthname...but after a while everyone just saw him as "one of the dudes" and automatically used the right things.

    I think they just need some time to think of you as a guy...hard as that may be for you.
     
  5. Rickystarr

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    Pronouns are so deeply ingrained in language and just society in general. If you can tell someone was born female, they are likely going to assign you female pronouns unless you really beat it into their heads that you are not female. I think part of this is that people are really afraid to misgender someone and it is usually safer to assume that a masculine AFAB person is cis than trans. Another part of it is that if you have known a person a long time and they have thought of you as female, even if you have always presented masculine, they will feel a little bit silly changing pronouns all of a sudden. And even people who are very close to you and understand you are trans are going to be hesitant to change your pronouns unless you make it VERY CLEAR that is what you want. You can't expect people to just do that on their own because it is much easier for them to keep doing what they're doing. People don't like change.
     
  6. Hats

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    I've nearly got to the point where I don't mentally misgender one of my acquaintances...after a year and half of knowing their pronoun is now "they" rather than "she". Granted, I knew them as a girl for four years previously, but still that is a long time, and I've been making a concerted effort. Old habits die hard, especially anything to do with social conditioning.
     
    #6 Hats, Sep 27, 2016
    Last edited: Sep 27, 2016
  7. 108

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    It's difficult for non-LGBT involved people to dismantle their own preconceived ideas of gender, so when they encounter someone who goes by another pronoun than what they assume, it can take a lot of time. They have not had the years of introspection and analysis others have in regards to gender roles, presentation, etc to remove those mental roadblocks, and misgendering someone is typically something done subconsciously, not a malicious act. Just politely correct them when it happens. If they are decent people you interact with regularly, they should slowly come to see you how you really are.
     
  8. Cinis

    Cinis Guest

    I think "they" or other neutral pronouns are an even harder thing to do since 1.we do not commonly use it that way and 2. It goes against how our brain works. It is biologically beneficial to us to see some things fast thus our brain automatically boxes someone into "male" or "female" when we first meet them. When a trans person is involved our brain has to work on putting them from one box to the other once that is complete there are usually few or no slip ups with pronouns when dealing with a person that hasnot transitioned yet as the brain starts focusing on details that could also be read as masculine instead of the obvious feminine ones ( which is why transwomen usually have a harder time passing since there are fewer things in a male face that can be read as feminine than the other way around). The problem with non binary genders is is that the brain (by biology not social conditioning as some claim) only has those two boxes "male" and "female" and finds it important to box everyone in. I sometimes get asked by people on the street that will never see me again wether I'm a boy or a girl, that information is technically of no use to them but their brain wants to sort me in somewhere. Teaching the brain to see someone as neither male or female thus takes a lot more time than just viewing them as the opposite sex.


    This has nothing to do with the threat..but well...

    I also agree with what the people above me said about not wanting to get pronouns wrong out of politeness.
     
  9. anthracite

    anthracite Guest

    Easy: People are stupid.
     
  10. Bubbletea

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    Honestly, I think it is because 75% of the time people are on auto pilot and dont process this kind of stuff conciously. So when something like that changes they have to think all of a sudden. That is the real issue I think, it is nothing personal.

    What I also think is a big problem, is that language itself is different for every one. I mean the words are the same but the ideas, thoughts, importance and feelings and such are different for everyone. So its like me saying I identify as blue and all you see is my pale skin.
     
  11. Linthras

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    Some people tend to view the world more rigidly than others.
    That is to say, they have a certain view of the world, or in this case, gender.
    If you don't fit that view, it will be hard for them to adjust.