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A letter...

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by hexamum, Sep 25, 2016.

  1. hexamum

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    I am hoping to see my Mum on Wednesday. I want to tell her. I want to be honest with her. We've been distant this past couple of years, and I want that closeness back again. I am not sure what to say to her. So I figure I'll give her a letter to read in front of me, and then gauge her response.
    Can I have your views first?
    -----

    Okay, here we go.

    This is me, the whole me. This is me, the most open you’ve ever heard/seen.
    Everyone has a mask, right? You smile when you feel like shit. You get up when you want to stay in bed. You nod when you mean ‘no’.
    Anyone that’s close to me knows I have a mask. I try and keep my depression and anxiety inside, I try not to let it impact on the kids lives. I make sure I get up every day, I do the things I have to, the best I can.

    But now, I’m tired. The mask is slipping: And I can’t keep up the act.

    I’ve made some bad choices. I’m weak. I can’t say no, and then I am in too deep to escape. I do the things I ‘should’….not the things I ‘want’.

    Okay, where’s this going, I hear you say.

    Here’s the bottom line. I’m gay.

    I have no attraction to men.

    There. It’s out there.

    I can name many examples. But, basically, I find myself attracted to a person, (it’s normally a guy) the way they talk to me, the way they look at me. The attention. The making out. The flirting. The texts. The excitement of something new. The esteem boost.
    I think ‘this time will be different’. I hope this is the guy who is going to whip me off my feet, make the earth move. Make me see fireworks, but it never is.
    Then I am caught up in it all. I can’t back out. I can’t say no. I can’t say “I don’t want to be with you”.

    I have spent 25 years trying to please everyone I meet. Not annoy them. Not make them feel shit. At my own expense. Keeping with the norm. Staying in my closet.

    I’m tired. I can’t do this anymore. I want to be happy. I am only 43, but I have spent half my life in a box. I have tried my hardest to keep the lid on it, but it’s too big a deal now. I have to be me. I have to be honest. To everyone. It cripples me on a daily basis…..and its so hard to step up. To go against social norms. To go against the way I am viewed. But I am doing it.

    I am still Me. I am still your daughter, your niece, your sister, your friend. I am still Mum to my 6 wonderful children. Now I am just ‘more’ me. 

    I have more of life to see. I want to smile, genuinely. I want the fairy tale. I want the fireworks. I want to feel about someone the way they feel about me.

    And I don’t want to lie any more.
     
  2. I'm gay

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    This is really heartfelt. Do you think that maybe you could just say these things to her? It wouldn't come out exactly as written, but you'd get most of it. If not, that's ok. I do think, though, that most people would rather hear it from you directly than reading it.

    Either way, I'm really proud of you for pushing through this struggle to reach the other side.

    ((BIG HUGS))
     
  3. hexamum

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    I think I'd be too emotional. I don't know. Maybe. When I think in my head as to what to say, it makes me get a lump in my throat just thinking it.
    I also have to deal with telling her, along with this, that it's going to mean another relationship break up: And she thinks SiL is best thing since sliced bread!! :/

    I'm not great with huge words and big feelings when I write (I am jealous of how articulate some people on here are, when they write) .....but I am even worse with the spoken word.

    Thanks, I need all the hugs I can get right now x
    (*hug*)
     
  4. Really

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    Hey hexamum, (I just figured out what that means! Duh.)

    Good luck with however you deliver this message. The letter looks good.
    (Just one thing. I think the expression is "whisk me off my feet" not "whip". :astonished:)

    Here's a hug. I tend to squeeze too tight. You've been warned.
    {{{:eek:}}}
     
  5. hexamum

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    Ah yes, thanks. I will change that. I hadn't even realised I'd written it incorrectly.

    Tight hugs are good :slight_smile:
    (*hug*)
     
  6. BrookeVL

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    Seems perfect to me. Good luck!
     
  7. nbd

    nbd
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    You are very brave! I hope that by opening up to your mother, you will be able to reconnect on a deeper level. I totally understand the need to write things out, especially difficult things. It's a way to guarantee that you say everything you want to say without backing out halfway through. That's certainly been a challenge for me!

    Have you given any thought to writing a letter to your husband? Even if you don't give it to him, it might be a good way to organize your thoughts.

    I'll be thinking of you on Wednesday! Good luck!
     
  8. hexamum

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    Argh!! She's busy, so going over on Friday instead. *bites nails*
    I had a dream last night that I printed it out and forgot to get it out of the printer and hubby read it. That'd be a score, wouldn't it!! Lol!!
    Why are these things so difficult!! Grrrrr!!
     
  9. kypso

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    Oh wow, that is awesome, well done you xx
     
  10. AngryMomo

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    good luck... i know how it feels to feel the need to be what they think you are just because you want them happy .... but their happiness is not your responsibility, yours is.... go on... and be proud of yourself


     
  11. Adray

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    Coming out is never easy. I've had butterflies in my stomach and felt nervous and light-headed every time. What's helped me is setting a place and time for the talk, and keeping to it. Setting the meeting time up is the first commitment and is a little easier to do, then I just have to follow up with the actual talk. But having done the first step kind of sets me in motion for the second part.

    I've felt much better every time almost immediately afterwards. I know sometimes that doesn't happen for people, but it's been my experience. I'm glad I've done it and do feel better on the other side.

    I came out to my 73 yo mom a couple of weeks ago. I did it over the phone (we live 700 miles apart). I had in my mind some points I wanted to make:
    - I'm bisexual
    - I always have been, and I'm tired of keeping the secret
    - I'm telling you so I can be myself and more open
    - It was tough for me growing up, keeping this secret, not because of anything in particular, but because of society
    - I want to be out, be a part of the LGBT community by volunteering, and make things better for kids like me

    I wasn't perfect delivering all the points, but I got most of it out. My mom was very supportive. She had questions, but she was supportive. She asked to tell my Dad. She didn't think he would take it as well. She told me the next day that he in fact didn't take it well, and she thinks it might take him some time. I've talked to him a couple of times since then, and it's all sports, weather, kids, etc. I'm giving him space.

    I don't know if any of that helps. Your letter looks good, it is your words and your experience. I wish you lots of strength and I'm sending a hug your way, too. You can do this!
     
  12. PatrickUK

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    I don't think there is anything wrong with it. It's from the heart and you've said it the way you want to say it, and that's really the most important thing. If you are seeking anymore inspiration though, you could take a look at these: Empty Closets - Coming Out Letters

    Your Mum will have questions, no doubt, and I don't know how prepared you feel for them. It might be an idea to think about how you will respond to some of the obvious questions she will ask.

    If your Mum uses the internet, include a link to FFLAG in your letter. Check out the website here: Home and download some of the resources yourself. It might help to have them when you come out.

    Good luck and let us know how it goes.