So I found a new gay self-help book the other day, and I've just about finished reading it. One thing it talks about is how to "grow up" into an adult sexuality, rather than keeping the same perspective on sexuality that you always had as a kid. It's really helped me to evaluate my own maturity (or lack thereof) when it comes to sex in general and gay sex in particular. That is a step in the right direction. A step in what might be the wrong direction, though, is that I've started to compare myself to a gay friend of mine. Let's call him Dave. Dave and I are almost the exact same age, are from the same general area, went to the same type of schools when we were kids, and so forth. Dave came out when he was about 19 or 20, found support from his family, has been in a couple of long-term relationships, has the career he's always wanted, and is about to get married to the man of his dreams. Lucky him. I, on the other hand, tried to come out at 18, got shot down by my parents, went back into the closet, spent a great many years as a suicidal and self-destructive human being just trying to get rid of this "problem" I had, and am just now starting to live a somewhat healthy emotional and social life at 31. I want something to be good about all this, but I'm having trouble finding it. It's not fair, and it's not right. So, what to do? I realize now that at 18, I was not financially, emotionally, and socially independent enough from my parents, religion, and hometown to successfully come out without everyone's permission, and that that likely cost me big. Dave, evidently, was. Moving forward at this point seems like I'd just be giving up on those years, and I desperately want to either relive them or even the score by ruining a prime decade or two for someone else. Anyway, there you are. Two steps forward, one step back.
Not sure I would say it's a step back. You have been able to put your past in perspective and understand how it impacted you. That's part of the healing process. All steps forward!
It is normal to feel like you've missed the boat by coming out later in life. So many of us share the same feelings. You are not alone. Some of us waited even longer than you. Try not to worry so much. Your journey is unique and it's unfolding as it needed to.
Thanks for your feedback. Personally, I don't like the idea of thinking of my life as a journey, even though I know that lots of people like that metaphor. I had a therapist tell me something similar ("You're not behind--you're just where you are on your journey!!"), and it didn't resonate at all with me. I have goals that depend on youth, and I'm running out of youth in which to meet them (e.g., having kids). For a very long time, I just chalked up my coming out late to the times that I lived in. But now, even though I should've realized it before, I realize that it obviously wasn't impossible to come out then because at least some people (like Dave) successfully came out back then. So what was the difference? The particular people I knew? The particular college I went to? I don't know. I just wish I could fix it, whatever "it" was.
This is just one of those things that you have to be able to learn to let go of. I'm in the same boat, except I'm 39 with 3 kids and busting ass to get by as a single parent. Since separating from my children's mother I work now than ever before and still struggle just to get by. My personal "journey" with all this included at least half a dozen suicide attempts and hospitalizations. I pissed away my education and dropped out, because I couldn't cope with everything I was going thru. I feel emotionally stunted in so many ways. And now being out, I still have anxiety, no friends or social life, just still tons of crap. Unfortunately we can piss and whine all day about what should have been and all the ways things could have been better. Some of us really seemed to get the shit end of the stick. That said, all we can do is reflect, forgive ourselves for not being able to be the person that we wished we could have been, and just try somehow to move forward. We aren't dead yet, even if it is later in life, we have every right to find and have true happiness.
You asked what was the difference between you and Dave. I don't know either of you so I can't say what the difference was. Some ideas might include: amount of internalized shame, your social/family circles, specific events in your life, your personal comfort level, courage, and being able to identify your sexuality and be ok with it. Ultimately it's rather pointless to compare yourself to others. There will always be those who came out earlier than you and those later than you. Move forward from here, work to heal the shame and guilt and leave it behind, and give yourself the best chance you can to find happiness in the future.
