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The acting is exhausting me...

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by kypso, Sep 25, 2016.

  1. kypso

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    Hello friends.
    It has been a while.
    I need to get this out there again, just to say it out loud.

    I am gay. A lesbian. Whatever, but I like women.
    I think I have always known this but strongly denied this to myself. I found it fascinating that a human being can so utterly convince themselves of something that is untrue. I have only ever been in relationships with men. I have had gay friends, I have been asked if I am gay or straight. I have always said straight. Until recent years when I gradually came out as bisexual. My husband of 3 years knows this and is fine with it. Lots of my friends and colleagues now know and I love the freedom and liberation that brings.

    I have never been brave enough to tell my family. Partly because it seemed irrelevant when I married a man and after a while it seems odd to tell them. I am jealous of LGBT youth and keep wishing I could go back and start again, to be honest with myself. I think I hated the idea of being a cliche because I was never very girly, people assumed anyway.

    I have young children and they are awesome. I love them dearly that that last thought makes me feel selfish. I also feel awful for marrying a lovely man. At the time, I didn't give it much thought. Recently...I know what I am and I have been lying to myself and him.

    I am gay....and SO TIRED OF ACTING. I think about it all of the time. I feel trapped and like I have to accept my life is just this forever now. The thought of bringing shame, breaking anyone's heart fills me with sadness. I feel I have to remain sad like this in order to protect loved ones. I have developed such strong feelings for women over the years but was never brave.

    I am now ok with my sexuality to the point I want to embrace it, but I fear this will never happen. I am so alone. I am so lucky in so many ways and people always comment how happy and silly I can be. If only they knew...it is a mask and I am exhausted.

    :icon_sad:
     
  2. 333RosyLily

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    Your story sounds very much like mine, although I have been with two women, years ago (It's been 15 years, probably, since that happened in high school.)

    I came out as bisexual to some friends, but over the years, I was in complete denial of that side of myself.

    Recently, I realized I'm gay. I was never bisexual, I was just forcing myself to be with men, and I couldn't understand why I felt so depressed and lonely. I began to accept that loneliness and depression was just a part of my life that I would never escape.

    Now, I'm just acting, too, and I do feel really trapped. I'm in a 10-year relationship with a man, and he's been away this summer, so I've been blessed with three or four months of time to process all this, to see a therapist, to go to the LGBT community center, to try to reach out to others like me.

    I'm not sure what your area is like, but this has been really hard for me because there's no community in my area. I have to drive almost two hours to get to any LGBT community.

    I'm also jealous of the youth, because of their bravery and courage. I have a friend who is 18 (my only lesbian friend) and she could easily be kicked out of her house by her homophobic father, but she does not let it stop her from being herself. And here I am, terrified that someone (anyone) will find me out.

    I'm also wearing a mask. I've had crushes on other women for years, and finally acknowledged that's what it was, that I wasn't just "protective" of them, which is what I thought then.

    You're not alone. (( hugs ))

    Do you go to any LGBT centers, at all? Or see a therapist? Those are the things that are helping me the most.

    Rosa
     
  3. Needtocope

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    Hiya i see your from Northampton to :slight_smile: me to. I told my husband yesterday that I am gay and would rather be with women. We had been having a lot of other issues as well and decided it would be best to split. I have 3 young children to so I don't quite know what's going to happen I do know though that whereever I go next I won't have to live a lie anymore :slight_smile: it's just so so difficult is in it xxx
     
  4. 333RosyLily

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    Hi! Actually, I'm from Jensen Beach, Florida. :slight_smile: And I've hardly run into anyone from my area online. I'm really isolated here, I guess.

    I've been having other problems in my relationship, too, so it's not the only issue.

    It is ... so difficult. I am sure it's so much harder with kids. (( hugs )) Gotta have faith.
     
  5. Needtocope

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    Hi sorry rosy lily I saw that kypso had put she was from Northampton which is amazing as I feel so isolated atm
    It's horrible to feel isolated I can totally relate with what your saying :frowning2:
     
  6. stretching

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    I also feel isolated, trapped, sad, and like I'm living a lie. All because of choices i made. I love the man I married, but I'm not attracted to men. Sigh. And, yes, the kids definitely do make any choices seem so much more serious since they will affect their lives too, not just my husband and mine. I don't know what to do or how to do it. But I appreciate and take comfort knowing there are others out there who are going through similar things. Before I found this forum I thought I was alone.
     
  7. 333RosyLily

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    My error. Lol. I'm so sorry. I am blind, probably because I have not had enough coffee yet. I thought I was responding to Kypso's message.

    Forgive me. :slight_smile:
     
  8. kypso

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    Thank you for your replies everyone, lizz I certainly understand that feeling of just knowing you're not alone. Needtocope - it is also somewhat comforting to know that someone nearby is experiencing the same thing. I do feel for you all but admire your bravery.
    It's that denial, how could I have made myself go down this path all because I must have subconsciously cared so much what other people will think of me? I'm kicking myself!
    My husband is wonderful, I am just not attracted to men. Sex is a chore for me and I have to pretend to enjoy it so as not to hurt his feelings.
    I keep thinking....'all of my life....I have to do this forever'. Man, this is getting me down :frowning2:

    Hugs all xx
     
  9. hexamum

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    Firstly....*hugs*
    Secondly...I am right there with you!
    I love my husband....but I am not IN love with him, I don't find him sexually attractive....and he absolutely NO idea!!
    And yes, the thought processes drag me down.
    I HAVE to get out of this, but I have absolutely no idea how to do it.
    I am 43, and I want at least some of my life to be at peace with myself!!
    I have kids too, and the thought of breaking us all apart petrifies me!!
     
  10. kypso

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    Thank you for sharing this. I really feel for you. And that need to want some of your life for you and not just for others...I totally get it.
    I hope you find some strength from somewhere to live this life. Best wishes to you xx
     
  11. hexamum

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    You too hun.
    Just Keep posting.
    Keep your goal in mind.
    Stay strong x
     
  12. 333RosyLily

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    I'm so comforted to see that I'm not the only one experiencing this scenario. Thanks so much for sharing, all.
     
  13. stretching

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    It's Exhausting not being sexually attracted to your partner. We're at the point where it is really difficult for me to even pretend to enjoy sex. I know it really sucks for him too when I don't ever want to do it.
     
  14. ThreeBears3

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    Message me any time, you are NOT alone, this is basically my story <3
     
  15. heythere999

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    Good for you. I just wish you went through this before you got married to someone of the opposite sex.
     
  16. kypso

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    Me too :icon_sad:

    ---------- Post added 26th Sep 2016 at 06:47 PM ----------

    Thank you friend :slight_smile: