For a good while I was living 100% comfortably as a gay trans guy. I was sexually assaulted back in November and only got out of that relationship a few months ago, and I had repressed all of the feelings I had about all of that until recently and I've been a mess since. Every somewhat romantic relationship I've had with a guy, he was abusive. And I've never had a non-romantic relationship with men work out fantastically either. I feel unsafe around men. I don't like being alone with them at all. It's worse with cis men, if it's a trans guy I sort of know I'm okay being around him, but it's still not a sense of security. I know this is something I have to work on, and I'm seeing a therapist about it. However, it just feels so weird. I always ID'd as a guy. I'm only attracted to men. How can I feel so unsafe around them and have a general dislike for men when I am a man? Am I maybe not a man? Could I be nonbinary instead? Or is this just something temporary? I feel so so gross when I think about being a man. I feel like an abuser myself, almost.
Men can hate other men, just like women can hate other women. I wouldn't doubt your identity based on bad experiences. What you're going through is internalized sexism because you don't want to be seen as an abuser or a rapist. But not all men are rapists. Unfortunately, a lot of sick people exist in our world.
I don't really think this has anything to do with your gender. I'm not a big fan of men either (in general. Of course this is not always the case) and I identify as one. I do kind of have some guilt about it but that doesn't mean I'm NOT one. I'm sure plenty of socially aware cis men don't like being associated with their gender either.
Alot of trans people won't date cis guys for those reasons. Too horny, too aggressive. Sometimes we subconsciously gravitate to bad relationships because of insecurity, might be worth considering. But don't let this make you question your identity, men have issues same as everyone
A lot of men I know struggle to not hate other men because they were raped... It's perfectly normal to be afraid of or even hate men if you've had bad experiences with them, and it'd be normal to hate a woman too if she sexually abused you... but it's definitely something you have to work on. I've been in countless very... uncomfortable situations, all with men, but ofc I've never seen it as "all men" or anything... Anyway, this is a great place to talk about that stuff if you need to. Personally, I wasn't raped, but two years ago something happened to me that messed with me quite a bit that was of that nature... I've had many, many encounters in which I've been offered to do things, more so than I should have had since I'm a teenager... but yeah, in any case, that situation struck a special nerve in me and, with my godmother dying only a few months later, I felt horrible. Still, I've repressed those feelings until now and now I really don't know how to go on from here other than cling to the people who at least give me physical comfort and can calm me down... but yeah, if you ever need to talk, EC is a great place to do that. Being on here won't make your issues go away, but it's certainly a comfort for me to know that I can talk on here and then go try to use the advice I'm given in the real world. Now, not all the advice I get on here is good, but even then I can go somewhere else and see if more informed people have anything to say... Don't ever be afraid to share your feelings, okay? I'm very apathetic to many, many things, but at the very least I can try to offer you comfort through my words or logical advice if you ever need any of that. Just work on recognizing that all men are not your abuser, and you are not your abuser for being a man.
You know, obviously there are a lot of different types of men. Maybe you are always ending up with the same kind of guys (aggressive and abusive guys) basically as a pattern, and you need to broaden your horizons on what different types of men are like. You could do that simply by finding some famous role models, or something like that. It's true that your perception of other men and your identity within yourself are mostly independent factors. But it's also natural that you would notice other men and naturally end up asking yourself what you're like in relation to them and being upset by that. So my suggestion would be trying to find some role models of men that you either would like to be like or would feel safer to be with. Hope your therapy goes well and you can start to feel better. Just take it slow. :icon_sad:
