Some questions to older gay people who came out to themselves after 21

O.K., heythere999.

YEAH! What greatwhale said!

I would add that most people in the closet who marry have very real and very strong feelings for their spouse - they just realize at some point that it is much more like being with a best friend and not sexual attraction that binds them. However, regardless of their romantic relationship with their spouse, their LOVE for their children is no less genuine - nor are they any less devoted to their children - than any other parents.

You are focusing on fall-out consequences from the type of scenario you describe, but you have to look at each individual situation as a whole from start to finish to begin to understand what happened and why.

 

Don't Judge, for you have not lived in his shoes. Even when I was in high school, a senior in 1990 you didn't come "out". There was NO support esp in the rural area schools. I spent many nights alone thinking I was a freak wishing I was normal. A little different then now? Wouldn't you say?

 

I'll agree with what everyone else has said here. Don't be so quick to judge until you have walked in someone else's shoes. This is what it looks like from my perspective. Do you really think you have the right to tell me (or any of us) how selfish we are for "ruining other people's lives" ?

This was written last October, a few days after I told my wife. At this point, we are still together and trying desperately to make things work. Because we genuinely DO love each other.

*******************

three

she knows i was in love with him. she said it so matter of factly.
-you fell in love with him and when it ended you went into a depression. i knew it but i wanted to give you space.

-how many times did you “experiment”
-three men. all married.
-were they one time things or longterm
-…..
-YOU FUCKING BASTARD HOW COULD YOU DO THAT TO ME?!?! I’M SO STUPID I’M AN IDIOT GODFUCKINGDAMN YOU

I sat up in the bed, put my head in my hands.
She bolted upright, kicked me with her leg under the covers, slapped me hard on the side of the head. I wish she had never stopped, that she had beaten me into unconsciousness.

-THEY WEREN’T EXPERIMENTS YOU BASTARD THEY WERE AFFAIRS AND YOU DID THAT WITH THEM AND THEN CAME HOME TO ME LIKE I WAS NOTHING YOU’RE A GOOD ACTOR YOU FUCKER HOW COULD I BE SO STUPID YOU OWE ME GODDAMNIT YOU FUCKING OWE ME
I got out of the bed and curled up in a ball on the floor.

-You don’t have to do that. Come back into the bed please.
-No. This is where I deserve to be. I will stay here.
-Please. Get back in the bed.

I sat again with my head in my hands. She reached out to touch my back and that’s when all of the things I was never, ever going to tell her spilled out of my mouth in an endless vomitous mass of words and pain and torture that I have carried in my soul since I was conceived.
-i hate my mother she was supposed to abort me i wish she had fucking killed me so i wouldn’t be here now causing you this pain i wasn’t supposed to be born and then everyone knew they all knew i was the fat nerdy carrot-topped kid that everybody called a faggot because i couldn’t throw a football and i did everything i could to hide it to create an image a façade and when my father asked me confronted me when i was 14 hey boy are you faggot no no no i stepped up my straight game i prayed for hours and days and weeks and years for god to make this go away and he doesn’t fucking exist because if he did he would not have made me like this do you think i wanted to tell you this do you think it’s a choice if there were a pill a shot a drug a cure i would take it a thousand times a day but i just can’t fight it anymore i’m so tired so sad so exhausted from hiding and pretending it’s like trying to change the colour of my eyes i’m sorry so fucking sorry i tried i did my best to keep the lid on but it’s so much bigger than me it wasn’t about rejecting you but finding acceptance for myself with other men it’s like a giant fucking black hole and no matter how much i love you or you love me it eats eats eats like a giant maggot and i just couldn’t control it i couldn’t win i failed i’m a fake i wish you would just beat me because that’s what always happens when i’m bad when i fuck up just please please hit me.
She held me tight and stroked my hair as I shook and sobbed and clawed at my skin, told me she was so sorry I have been carrying all of this pain, rejection, abuse, all these things I could never tell her but I had to now to connect the dots so she could somehow see but never understand. I told her I’m so sorry that now it’s her pain too, I should have fought harder, I should have won.

She assured me that I have been an exemplary husband, a great father, a great provider, a good man. I told her I have always idolized her, looked up to her, she is such an amazing woman, mother, wife, friend. She is loved and adored by so many people.

I begged her not to comfort me, told her I don’t deserve to be, especially after doing this to her. I tried to break away, but she pulled me tighter.

She’s so scared. Terrified. Loves me so much. I’m still the man she fell in love with, still the man she married. I’m doing everything I can to comfort her. Not looking for sympathy for myself but reminding her that I could have just packed my shit and left with no explanation. But I am here. With her. Holding her. Doing my best to be honest and own it for once in my life. Accept my responsibility for this unspeakable situation.
The emotions are like a category 5 hurricane. Anger. Fear. Sadness. Betrayal. Indescribable pain. Compassion. Love.
I have no idea how this story ends. I am so worried about her. I just want, need her to understand that she has done nothing wrong, but everything right. She just doesn’t fucking deserve this. She just doesn’t.

another question
holding each other before we fall asleep, even as we did on the night i told her, this:
- will you ever be attracted enough to me to have sex with me again?
- why are you asking me this?
- because i need to know.
- I’ve always been attracted to you. i could have sex with you right now,
but that wouldn’t be fair to you or to me until we have figured this out.
- ok. i can respect that. i’m trying to so hard to understand. please be patient with me.
- i know. i told you i’ve had my entire life to try to come to terms with this and i suddenly thrust it all upon you out of nowhere.
- i love you.
- I love you too.

my heart is breaking for her

 

Wow, TAXODIUM! That was painful to read in it's brutal honesty. But thank you for sharing!

I truly hope that you and your wife find a solution that leaves both of you satisfied and still close friends, at the very least...

 

Taxodium: I have read this before I believe, I think you shared it in another thread that I saw. It is just as powerful as the first time I read it. I think it's very appropriate here in this thread because it demonstrates in a powerful way the kind of anguish, turmoil and guilt that we married gay guys have gone through in our struggle with sexuality. Thanks for sharing it again.

To OP: I don't know if Taxodium's post has had any effect on your understanding of us married gay guys or not. If not, I would like to suggest that you just face the fact that this is an area of the "gay struggle" to be authentic and open that you are just not going to get.

 

I'm 30 and in a 10-year straight relationship. How have I dealt? Well, it's been tough, and I do feel like I missed out on a lot by not admitting to it sooner. (I dated women in high school, but then went deep into the closet because of Christian friends I didn't want to disappoint.)

I started this journey a couple of years ago, and then the first person I came out to was my brother. He was my best friend and my ally. Unfortunately, he committed suicide two months later. Losing him was like losing my only support system, so it's been even more difficult than anticipated.

I found a really great gay therapist, though, and he's a huge help to me.

I noticed someone else said that folks are told they'll grow out of their sexual attraction, or that it's a phase. When I was in high school, my mother never talked to me about it. She just assumed it was a phase. Even when I told her recently, "I think I'm gay," she said, "I thought that was just a phase."

I think I told my dad that I was attracted to women before he died, and he didn't care. But we had a lot of catching up to do since we hadn't seen each other for 15 years, so I think he had good reason to ignore it.

I'm gearing up mentally to tell my boyfriend what I've been going through. I just don't know if I can do it. I've said this before, sometimes it just feels easier to stay in the closet, even though I know it's killing me slowly.

As for your uncle, I think it depends on his age, really ... Most people have been taught that being gay is a sin, and so they do their duty by marrying and having a family and at the same time maybe having a secret life. I wouldn't think badly of your uncle, if I were you. It's a terrifying situation, even considering coming out. He was probably afraid of being shunned.

There is evidence my great-grandmother might've been a lesbian. Would she have come out? Hell no. There would've been absolutely no acceptance for her anywhere.

I hope I didn't ramble too much, and I hope that offers some insight.

Rosa

 

your description almost mirrors mine. I'm 52 now and came out for the first time a few years back.

 

I think a lot of people here have touched in some important points. I am a millennial and I grew up in California, so I'm lucky to have had such a progressive environment. People in an older generation aren't so lucky. People were physically beaten for being gay. And the media portrayal of what it was like to live as a gay person didn't help. Tragic stories left and right.

That being said, I am in a relationship with a man who recently came out to me as gay. And he started a relationship with me knowing he was gay. He's suffered a lot. And I blame the society he grew up in, but he did really hurt me. And he genuinely loves me, but he knew going in he was gay. There is some fault in that, but I don't think blaming him would help either of us. If he never acknowledged the enormity of his lie to me and how much it hurt me, I don't think I could have forgiven him. But seeing the pain he felt made me realize what an impossible situation he was in. Compassion and support from those around us might though.

 

Believe me, many of us Later in Life people envy your youth in this more accepting time. Carpe Diem!

 

Hi...

I am 36 now... came out to myself (and eventually others, including my family) when I was 25. Up until this point, I had never dated, kissed, done anything at all...
I met my first bf when I was 26. That lasted a little over 2 years.
I took a 2 year break, moved to Korea... then dated again, for 3 years.
I took a long time to accept myself. I still have days where I don't want to /can't etc... but I have met some new friends since returning to my own country who have helped me somewhat accept myself more as they accept me as I am. I am not part of any gay community here... so I kind of fly solo.
I stayed closeted for a long time... I was teased at school about being gay and back then I didn't want to be... didn't understand properly... it was a mess. I also didn't want to leave home. I still needed a roof over my head.
Things are still murky now but getting better ...baby steps.