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I like a guy who has the same name as my step brother:/

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by clavaboi, Sep 19, 2016.

  1. clavaboi

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    I am struggling with a bit of fear right now. Im 20 , & came out as gay last year and am just now talking to a guy that I really like. Only problem is that he has the same name as my little step brother. Me and my step brother don't really talk at all, we have nothing in common & I think he's weirdo. Now I'm scared to introduce the guy to my dad or step mom because I don't want them to laugh about it or judge me for it. I don't want anyone to feel weird, including the guy I'm with. Part of me knows that it's no big deal and that it's just a name, but I don't want anyone to over think it, I guess, or find it funny. It really sucks, and I'm starting to wonder if it should be a deal breaker or if I should just never tell my dad about him. My dad is a nice caring person though:/I don't know why it's such a factor:/ any advice on what to do? Am I just overreacting? & Can you see why this bugs me?
     
    #1 clavaboi, Sep 19, 2016
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  2. Quantumreality

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    Hi, clavaboi!

    I think you said it clearly when you wrote:

    Why would it be? What is your thought process on this? Is there something more going on?

    Why would you just assume that anyone would?

    Is this the first guy you've dated? Or at least the first one you want to bring home and introduce to your family?

    Take Care.:slight_smile:
     
  3. clavaboi

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    I really need some help with this, guys. With my anxiety i am over thinking this a lot
     
  4. killswitch0029

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    I have a friend who dated a girl with the same name as his younger sister. I mean if you like him it'd be silly to not date him just because of his name. Maybe work with him to come up with a nickname to make things a little less awkward for you??
     
  5. clavaboi

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    Naw thats basically all thats going on. But i guess My step mom sort of has said some meanish things about gay people before i came out, so shes pretty judgemental and it makes me scared.
    This is the first guy that i dated, & i would like to be able to share my happiness & not have to hide it.
    Thanks for your reply
     
  6. Quantumreality

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    Well, clavaboi, this mostly sounds like your anxiety is about bringing your first boyfriend home to meet your family. And not REALLY a hang-up about his name happening to be the same as your step-brothers. Is that a fair assessment?
     
    #6 Quantumreality, Sep 19, 2016
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  7. clavaboi

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    I agree. I think it would be messed up to not date someone i really like just because of his name. Its not easy to find anyone that i feel this way about. i dont even really call him by his name, & he doesnt even know my step brothers names since they arent really a part of my life besides living under the same roof. I never talk to them, or talk about them im just sort of indiffernt towards them. its not something i really want to mention unless it comes up

    ---------- Post added 19th Sep 2016 at 03:52 PM ----------

    Maybe:/ sigh. I dont think i would feel this way if it was just me living with my dad, but i have to live with my judgemental & nosy step mother. She makes me feel so awkward ugh I think you are probably totally right though
     
    #7 clavaboi, Sep 19, 2016
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  8. Quantumreality

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    O.K. Take a deep breath, clavaboi. Let's try to talk this through.

    How did your step-mother react when she learned that you are gay?
     
  9. clavaboi

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    She felt bad & treated me extra nice than usual so it felt like she pity'd me. It felt kind of fake i guess. A while before i came out she said "im going to be really scared if one of my kids ends up gay" & it sort of contributed to me not coming out for a while
     
  10. Quantumreality

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    O.K. It sounds like your dad is very supportive and that your step-mother is the main source of your anxiety. And that none of this really has anything to do with your date’s name being the same as your step-brothers’. Are we getting closer to the real source of your anxiety?
     
    #10 Quantumreality, Sep 19, 2016
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  11. clavaboi

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    Yeah she is certainly the main source of my anxiety. It makes me not want to even have him over. In a few months i am going to have my own trailer on the property. It seems like it might be easier for me to wait until then to start having him over. That way just my dad can meet him and i wont have to worry about her. To be honest i can't deal with her. Idk what my deal is
     
  12. Quantumreality

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    O.K. I have some suggestions, but first let me go down one more rabbit hole, if you'll indulge me.

    I get the feeling that there is something else going on here, as well. I mean, why would you consider dumping your date over a name issue? That would be very mean to him. Heck, you said he doesn’t even know that he has the same name as your little step-brother, so he’s currently in the dark about this anxiety you’re experiencing. Are perhaps you feeling nervous about dating a guy in the first place?
     
    #12 Quantumreality, Sep 19, 2016
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  13. clavaboi

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    Im definetely not going to dump him over it. I'm not nervous to be dating a guy, but im always nervous around my step mom/family. I can't even be in the same room as them really. I always feel like they judge the fuck out of me and stare at me, & it would be even worse to have them judging my partner. I think he would sense the awkwardness. I have wanted to get away from my step mom for a while now cause she really effects my well being. I have a hard time even bringing friends over. Oh and i have told him that i experience anxiety around my step family and that its hard to live here, just not about the name thing. youre really right about it being more way than an issue with the name.
     
    #13 clavaboi, Sep 19, 2016
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  14. Quantumreality

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    That's a relief! You asked in your original post "if it should be a deal breaker," which I took to mean that you were thinking of dumping him rather than risk bringing him home to meet the family. My bad. I'm tracking what you meant now.


    Cool. I’ve mostly just been trying to get you to help yourself. I’m glad you’re starting to see things a little more clearly. Is your anxiety calming down some?

    So, to continue, how long have you known this guy? Do you know him well enough to know if he is extremely confident in his own sexuality and likely be able to stand his ground and counter any snyde or outright homophobic remarks your step-mother might make?
     
  15. clavaboi

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    Yes! so much!. I am feeling like you have helped me realize that its not even about the name, but way more about that my step mom makes me feel crappy with a combination of her nosy tenancies, judgmental nature & body language.
    I've know him for a few months now. He has been out for longer than me & very comfortable. i think he would throw a fit over any homophobic remarks. But..Im just still feeling like i want to keep our relationship separate from my step family, besides my dad. I would feel better that way. Is this wrong?
     
    #15 clavaboi, Sep 19, 2016
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  16. Quantumreality

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    O.K., clavaboi,

    That sounds totally reasonable to me. And you have every right to do so.

    Your step-mother was at least outwardly supportive (if, perhaps, somewhat patronizing) when you did Come Out, right? From the comment you quoted from her and from the little bit you’ve said about her, it sounds more like she may just be ignorant/uniformed about LGBTQ people rather than outright homophobic.

    So, there are probably three main courses of action that I can think of which you might want to consider at this point:

    1) Bring your date home and put it in your step-mom’s face, so to speak. Face your fears, using your date for support (definitely making sure he is as prepared in advanced for what to expect as you can make him – and from what you’ve written, he must already have a pretty good idea of what to expect). Try to pretend you are as comfortable as possible – that bringing him to meet the family is just an ordinary life event, nothing more. I know this would be hard, especially since you seem to have anxiety issues about your step-mother that you need to work out. This would be sort of a sink or swim approach.
    2) Ask your Dad to meet you and your date at a separate location so that you can introduce each other. That way, when you decide to bring him to your home at a slightly later date, you’ll already have your Dad’s support.
    3) Wait, like you said, until you get your own place. But this really just puts off your anxiety artificially and doesn’t really help you to overcome it. And you will have to face it eventually if you want “to be able to share my happiness & not have to hide it,” as you said.


    No, there's nothing wrong with that. You have to do what's comfortable for you, but is that what you REALLY want to do?

    I hope some of this has helped.

    Take Care. Stay strong and proud.:slight_smile:
     
    #16 Quantumreality, Sep 19, 2016
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  17. clavaboi

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    Thank you, You've really helped me to feel better about this whole thing:slight_smile:
     
  18. Quantumreality

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    Hey clavaboi,

    I'm glad if anything I said was of use to you.

    I had just a couple of additional thoughts for your consideration:

    - Could your Dad also be a source of support along with your date if you are faced with negative feedback from your step-mother?

    - Also, have you ever thought about sitting down and having a frank talk with your step-mother (in the presence of your Dad, if you think that would help) about her perceptions of gay people and how her attitude affects you? It’s even possible she doesn’t consciously realize that she is projecting at least some of the ‘attitude’ (making you “feel crappy with a combination of her nosy tenancies, judgmental nature & body language”) that you are perceiving and she may not be intending part or even all of it.

    Best of Luck!

    Take Care.:slight_smile:
     
  19. BrookeVL

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    My sister's ex boyfriend has a sister with the same name as her. He also has a little brother with the same name as me. It wasn't a big deal. Rarely ever came up, other than a "oh, what a coincidence" at the beginning.
     
  20. clavaboi

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    yeah they both would help if my stepmom had any negative feedback, my dad always listens to my feelings and is open to talking with her should anything go wrong, but sometimes i feel like he says it too calmly. So he doesn't get across the magnitude of how im feeling when communicating with her.

    As for talking w/ her: that would actually be really really hard for me as she makes me feel so awkward im not sure we could repair any of the damage that has already been done. A big part of the awkwardness i feel is my problem, not really hers. Shes not "making" me feel that way, i make myself feel that way, and not really sure how to stop. Im sure she feels just as awkward around me, as if shes walking on egg shells. So the best thing we've found to do is keep the distance from eachother

    ---------- Post added 22nd Sep 2016 at 02:56 AM ----------

    Oh cool, i don't know if that would even be said now that i think about it, as its a fairly common name