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I Am In Love With Someone I Can Never Have

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by IWICCO, Sep 18, 2016.

  1. IWICCO

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    I need advice so badly. Here is my background. I am a bisexual man who has been married to a woman for 25 years and with her for 30 years. I love her beyond measure and she is my very best friend. She has known I am bi since the second year of our marriage. She has been battling cancer for six years, so our sex life is pretty much none existent. That said, we still love one another, but I am more and more coming into my sexuality. I have told those that are closest to me, including my BFF of 27 years. He is sooo cool with it. I also want to sleep with a man so badly. I want to know what it is like.

    My issue comes into play because I have fallen in love with another man. It is so sorted and complicated, and I have to admit, I am so ashamed of myself. He works for me and has become a really dear friend in the three years we have known one another. He is straight and married, but is VERY LGBTQ supportive. I told him I am bi and he actually said he felt privileged that I told him. Comments like that are just one of the many reasons I have fallen in love with him. I have tried my best to maintain my professionalism and will never cross the line of propositioning him, but I suspect he knows I am attracted to him. We hug sometimes and hangout outside the office. Every time we do I fall deeper in love with him. He is everything I would want in a man: smart, successful (I know how much he makes), cute as a button, from what I can see he is packing, and has one of the biggest hearts of anyone I know.

    I need advice on what the hell do I do. I love my wife and will NEVER leave her, but my feelings for him are real. I want to sleep with him so bad. I think about him every day all day and hate when we are not together at work. I think most people would not find him very attractive, but I think he is one of the most beautiful people I have ever met. He is such a nice person and is so genuine. Not since a very former BFF have I felt this way about a man. I fell in love with that guy also very early on in my marriage, he is straight, it ended badly and we have not spoken in 20 years!

    I don't want this to happen to this friend, but I feel I may have to find another job and get away from him. Again, he and I have ZERO chance of being together, but it eats me alive I cannot be with him. The other dilemma is I don't want to cheat on my wife. I won't tell him how I feel, but I am just spinning in circles about this. He is the type of guy I actually think I could tell him with the understanding that I don't expect anything from him and he may hug me.

    OMG!!! HELP!!!
     
  2. SweetSoulJulia

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    Oh boy. Welcome to my world! I'm a married bi woman head over heels in love with a straight married woman. It's not a good scene. I'm heartbroken most times and frustrated beyond words that I can't have her and love her the way that I want to.

    Easier said than done here, I know! BUT do whatever you can to let him go. If you know he is in fact straight (and married), it's only going to lead to a broken heart for you. The dreams, I know!!! I know, my dear forum friend. My J is what I believe my true love. I'm still working hard at letting my feelings die. I have cut back most of my contact with her but need to have a professional relationship. I would advise you to do the same. Have contact only when you need to. Chances are pretty slim that he thinks of you that way :frowning2:
     
  3. IWICCO

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    I know you are right. I am literally sitting here crying alone thinking about this. I would just hate to let him go. He is such a good friend. He understands me better than almost anyone I know and is so supportive. It pains me to think I have to cut him off. I don't know if I can do it. I am literally sitting here looking for other jobs so I can leave and he no longer works for me. I am crying while I do it, because all I want is for him to tell me he loves me to and not to leave. IT IS NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. I am such a fucking idiot! Along with other issues, I have had suicidal thoughts over this. I am getting into therapy to help me with this. But I cannot imagine not having him in my life, but I may not have a choice. My stomach is in knots over this. Why does love have to hurt?
     
  4. Nickw

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    Hey

    Take some deep breaths here. You need to not make any rash decisions while you are depressed and so anxious. You are dealing with a lot with your wife's illness. Let the therapy work for a bit.

    I know what it is like to be so in love with your wife and not be able to be intimate while desiring men. It can be consuming. I know this would be very sensitive, so maybe you cannot have this conversation...but, have you discussed this with your wife? At least the part about your need to be intimate with a man?

    I don't want to sound like I am diminishing your feelings for this guy. But, have you considered this could be partly about your need to sexually fulfilled with a man?
     
  5. killswitch0029

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    Before I give my advice, just letting you know I'm going to be rather blunt and may come across as offensive/mean-spirited (depending on how easily you're offended.)

    I get that you're close friends with the guy and it's natural to develop those kind of feelings to people you're close to, but 2 things.

    1.) Definitely seek a therapist, suicidal thoughts are a red flag
    2.) Try to distance yourself from him; if that's not possible limit the time you spend around him.

    Distance is one of the best ways to get over someone. It might suck at first, (possibly unbearable given what you've said) but at the same time being around him for length periods of time won't do any good to help you either. As for the suicidal thoughts, you do have a seriously sick wife that needs you in her life right now. Seeking a therapist would not only help you, but also would help your wife get the healthy husband that she needs in her life.

    Now that I've finished, sorry if I came across as insensitive or offensive in any way, but sometimes it's just best to be straightforward about things and not sugarcoat them.
     
  6. IWICCO

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    I appreciate you all's comments and, no, killswitch, I am not offended. This is one of the worse delimmas of my life. I want his friendship so badly, but how can we be? My wife knows I am attracted to men, but I cannot tell her about my feelings for him. She knows him and would be devastated.

    Nickw, you are absolutely right I want to be sexuality satisfied by a man. I fantasize about him and other men ALL the time. I am such a horrible person. If you all know the kind of person I am this goes against what any of family or friends would think. I really did not ask for this. My heart really betrayed me on this. I never wanted to fall in love with him.
     
  7. killswitch0029

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    From what you've written it's clear/heavily implied that you don't have the coping skills necessary to deal with this situation. This is precisely why you should and need to pursue therapy. By seeking out and speaking with a licensed therapist, they will be able to delve into your mind and help you develop the coping skills that you need to get yourself out of this funk that you're in.
     
  8. Nickw

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    First of all. You are not a horrible person for having desires for men. That is what being a bisexual means. There is nothing wrong with having those desires.

    Speaking from personal experience, you do need to understand why you are now obsessed with them and how to deal with it and understand it. This is not something you can do on your own. Getting therapy, as you are planning, is really important. Some of what you are going through could be related to general anxiety. Getting this under control is really important.

    Trying to find another job to be away from this guy may be just running away from the problem. I suggest you get to the bottom of why this is consuming you now. Beating yourself up for having the urges is not helpful.
     
  9. IWICCO

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    I think thw reason I am obsessed with guys is simply because I have never been with one. My wife and I have been together since high school and we are in our 40s now. I liken it to a food that you aren't supposed to eat. The more you deny yourself the more you want it. You may be right that I need to breathe and slow down and wait for my counseling to hopefully give me coping skills. I just love him so much and don't know what to do with these feelings.
     
  10. Nickw

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    IWICCO

    I am the same. I have been with my wife nearly 35 years. Even though i have known I was bisexual for my whole life. Unlike you, I was not out to her. What finally prompted me to come out was an incident with a man I was very attracted to. I didn't act on it but could not get his proposition out of my mind. I wanted it so badly. And my wife quit desiring sex.

    I came out and my wife and we rebuilt our intimacy. In the process of becoming more intimate I was also able to tell her that I really needed to act on my gay desires. She is cool with this. So, in my fifties, I am now fulfilling my gay sexual needs. The guy I was obsessed with is not really important any longer. I think I wanted him because I just wanted a man and he was a convenient recipient of those desires.

    Your case may be similar. Could be lust here. So, don't make rash decisions.

    I know your wife is sick. This makes it very difficult. But, if you can work on building your intimacy...not just sexual...maybe you will be able to discuss your sexual needs too. Maybe there is a way to have some gay sexual needs fulfilled within the marriage.