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It's it normal in a gay relationship?

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by brians34, Sep 18, 2016.

  1. brians34

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    I haven't been out of the closet for long. Less than a year, let alone been in a gay relationship. I've been with a man for about 6 months now. I think he's a great guy and I really care for him. My trouble comes in the bedroom.

    Now he has told me he's a top. I've asked him if he's ever tried bottoming. He said he did, but didn't like it because it hurt. I've never bottomed and told him that I didn't know what I would think about bottoming, but told him I would want at least versatile. He told me he'd try again with me. This is not where my problem is.

    Again , not wanting to be too graphic here, but I've given him head 5 separate times (we don't get much time together at the moment due to some circumstances), and he is yet to touch me down there. This morning, i woke with him and he was checking out posts in bed on his phone on Facebook. I got up and brushed my teeth, then went back to the bed and layed uncovered in just my underwear, looking for some kind of attention from him. He continued looking at Facebook for about 10 minutes, then put his phone down and turned over to go back to sleep. Not even acknowledging me laying there as I was completely uncovered .

    I am asking because I'm still new to the gay lifestyle. Is this normal for one person in the relationship to show all the attention? I love this man, but hell I would like to receive some attention too.

    I do believe he cares about me, and we have a great time together, but I have needs also.

    So help me out. I believe I shouldn't have to ask for attention, I feel it's going to be there or not.
     
    #1 brians34, Sep 18, 2016
    Last edited: Sep 18, 2016
  2. Creativemind

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    I'm not a gay man, but I know quite a few gay men personally. From what I know, this is not normal nor acceptable. This is more of a selfish trait than a sexuality one. A straight man could do the same thing where he refuses to go down on a girl but expects head. A woman of any sexuality could also do the same.

    So my advice is to talk to him about your needs and if he refuses to compromise, you should consider finding someone who wants a more equal relationship.
     
  3. OGS

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    I certainly wouldn't describe it as normal. Only you can decide if it's acceptable.
     
  4. JonSomebody

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    I am a Gay man and for me...this is not normal. Now...there are guys that are in a relationship who has no problem being the primary bottom in that relationship. However, their partner would have to excel in other areas of their sexual performance. I knew a guy who told me that his partner would not perform oral sex on him but wanted him to do it to him plus he also wanted him to be the primary bottom within the relationship also. He told me that he confronted his partner about inadequacies within their relationship where his partner responded with the fact that he released precum when he is aroused makes him not wanting to give oral sex to him. Also, in regards to him bottoming...he explained that the farthest he would go is allowing him to "toss his salad" and inserting a couple of fingers in his asshole while blowing him. Needless to say, after several conversations with him about this matter and his partner being adamant about not fulfilling him sexually in that manner. The guy eventually started having affairs behind his partners' back which also led him to meet someone else who met all the standards that he looked for sexually within a relationship and he broke up with his partner. So...to respond to your question...it all depends upon how much you care for your partner and how much you are willing to allow or be okay with in regards to your relationship on a sexual level.
     
  5. Chip

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    In terms of the way couples (or people who are dating) interact together, there are really few or no differences between healthy gay couples and healthy heterosexual couples.

    The problem is... there are a lot of gay men who are incredibly selfish, or have huge emotional walls up, with zero interest in exploring that lack of vulnerability.

    I notice that you live in Waco, TX. And my understanding is that's an incredibly conservative area, with little support for LGBT people. If your partner grew up in this area, he may still have some of the wounds of the internalized homophobia that comes from living in that area, and so, at some unconscous level, allowing a guy to bottom for him, or allowing a guy to suck his dick is OK, because it isn't demasculinizing.

    Also: Is there much of an age difference here? That issue can also come into play, and affect how one person interacts with the other.

    But the short answer is... no, it is absolutely not normal, it isn't healthy, and for you, you deserve better. If this keeps going on, it's going to impact your own sense of self-esteem and self worth because you're not getting your needs met. (And by that, I don't mean your sexual needs, but your sense of being treated with respect and mutual appreciation.)
     
  6. brians34

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    I do live in waco and like you say very conservative. Very hard to find someone here. I'm 52 and he's 46. He does have a lot on his plate. He had a stroke a couple years ago and been working on trying to get disability. He lives with his cousin and cousin's wife. They are his support while his case is pending.

    I talked with him about this issue earlier and he told me that with his situation, he's just not big into sexual relationship right now.

    I love this man, but lack of intimacy is very hard on me.

    I really think I need to end it and try to move on. I hate the idea that I'm going to end up alone. I have tried to find meeting places in waco where gay men might meet, but waco is so conservative, there's not places like clubs or other places to meet.

    I've tried various apps, but have very little luck there as most that use them are younger or not really for long term. I have reached out to LGBT group on Facebook, they used to have monthly meetings, but stopped because of lack of attendance. I was told about a gay friendlyh church that I might attend, that may be a place to go.

    I wish I could move to a different place, but I have 25 years in the company I work for and can retire from there in 5 years. Don't want to throw that away.

    I had been married for 17 years (trying to change my sexual desire) and have Son that's 14.

    I guess I'm going to try the apps again and see if anything can come about from them. That is how I met this man. Like I say, I just don't want to end up alone.

    There's much more I'd like to say, but I'm writing this from my phone and kind of tough getting it all in. Will add to this when I can get to my computer at home.
     
    #6 brians34, Sep 18, 2016
    Last edited: Sep 18, 2016
  7. Chip

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    One of the things to really consider is your own sense of worthiness. Even though the pickings are a bit slim where you are, this person isn't the only person in the world that you could build a life with... but when our worthiness gets in the way, we often see things in black and white... "It's this person or being alone"... when, in reality, that viewpoint is usually coming from a place of "I'm not worthy of someone healthy."

    This doesn't mean you should break up. But it does mean that you deserve to ask for what you need, and if he is genuinely interested in the relationship, and not just in his own needs, he should be willing to hear your concerns and work through them. My guess is that he is still struggling internally with being demasculinized, which is a byproduct of growing up in a place filled with homophobia, and may not even realize it's happening. If I'm right, and if he does acknowlege it, then there's something to explore. But it takes a lot for someone of that age, particularly someone male, to be willing to dig down into themselves and explore what it means to address those fears and walk into that vulnerability.

    It's really about what's important to you. If he isn't willing to change, and you're willing to accept the limitations, then the relationship could work. Just be thoughtful about trading one set of limitations (being heterosexually married) for another (being with someone who is emotionally unavailable and unwilling to be reciprocal sexually), and what that means for your own sense of worthiness.
     
  8. brians34

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    I completely get it Chip. Thanks for the posting.

    I did express my concerns to him and he said we will work through this. The thing is, he told me he's never liked oral, he doesn't like to bottom (because it hurts). So what other avenues would there be for me? The only thing I see is masturbation and I can do that alone.

    I just don't see how it can work. Unless like you say Chip, I keep all the limitations just to be with someone, is that truly worth having?
     
    #8 brians34, Sep 18, 2016
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  9. brians34

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    My stupidity in this matter is going to hurt not only me, but my son.

    My son enjoyed being around him. When I say my stupidity, I didn't realize there was gay men out there that wouldn't enjoy oral sex. I don't know why, but it was truly something that didn't enter my mind to ask

    I will know better in the future. Make sure of the compatibility before falling completely for someone.
     
  10. brians34

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    Well, it's starting out as a stellar year already.

    I stayed with this man because I really love and care for him and I truly believe he loves and cares for me, I had discussed my desires with him and he acted like things would change.

    We haven't really done a lot sexually, just mainly dating and such. He just started staying the weekends at my house a little over a month ago and we had started talking about him moving in.

    So after the discussions we had and all, a couple of days ago, I started oral on him and heavy petting and after I had been going at it for a short while, I asked him to give me some. He flat out said no. I slowed up and talked with him again. I told him that we had discussed him providing for me too and talked for a little while longer. He got dressed and said he was going to go back to the house and think about it. He left quite a few things here and it's the last I've heard from him. I've texted him to ask him what was on his mind and where he believes we stand. Still have not heard back from him. Probably the end of this chapter. I could really see in him someone I truly looked forward to being with for a long time.

    Anyone here from Waco looking for a relationship? :smilewave
     
  11. PatrickUK

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    I don't think you should jump to any hasty conclusions. Being intimate in a relationship is a big step and not one to be rushed or forced in any way. If you or he have been struggling to work past issues connected to your sexuality, it's going to require patience and care. For some guys, who have spent years in the closet, repressing feelings and fighting back shame, all of those mental alarms start to ring out again when it comes to physical intimacy and they're not gonna be silenced quickly by going through with a blow job.

    He maybe needs some time out to process his thoughts and a bit of reassurance from you. Generally speaking, issues like these are not well resolved by text and maybe you should visit him for a gentle face to face chat.
     
  12. brians34

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    Patrick, he's been out since he was 18. He's 46 now
     
  13. PatrickUK

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    I would still try to have a face to face conversation with him. Issues like this cannot be resolved well by text message. He may have been out for almost 30 years, but it doesn't alter the fact that intimacy in a relationship is a big step. I hope you are able to work something out because it seemed to be progressing well.