I just have this sense of impending doom. Right now, things are tolerable. I know that I'm attracted to women, but I'm in no position to do anything about it. Mostly, that's fine. It can just live in my fantasy life while I continue on with my kids and husband, enjoying my family and the people I love. But how am I going to feel in a month? In three months? In a year? In three years? I know in my heart that this isn't going to go away, my attraction and fantasizing will only get stronger - even if I try to stop thinking about it, delete my account here and on other social media sites where I talk with people in the LGBT+ community. So what's going to happen? My relationship with my husband will get strained, it's got to. We've had a decent sex life from his POV, but it's not going to get better for me. And that will make me frustrated, and resentful, and begrudging. I'm already noticing that I'm less interested in what he's interested in. We spend our evenings doing our own things, but we enjoy our time with the family together. I'm tetchy, though, and so is he. I just know it's going to get worse. I don't know what to do. At this point, I don't want to leave, I really don't. Which is good, because I can't. I'm completely and totally financially dependent. I guess I should be honest, if I can't do it here I can't do it anywhere. I know what to do. I need to get a job.
I also went through the feelings of doom and dread. And valuing family life but also feeling only partially fulfilled sexually. It's not a nice space to be in. And I don't know if I can offer you any advice. Is there any way you can start to become less financially dependent on your husband? Maybe that's the first step you need to take. And maybe other things will develop out of that. But I do understand your despair.
I'd suggest that you separate the decision into two parts. Do you want to come out? How are you going to come out? My sense is that you want to come out, but don't know how given your dependence on your husband. The folks here on EC can help you with the latter. Your best course of action is to take small baby steps to help you get started, rather than wallowing about it. I would suggest that you set up a consultation with a divorce attorney (one who is LGBT if you can find one) to learn what options you have. As you suggest, you probably want to start figuring out how you can support yourself. There are probably other things you can do, but you get the idea.
There are many reasons for me to go back to work, financial independence is just one of them. I'm a well-educated woman, and I'm pretty sure I can get a job in my field based solely on my degree. It's been a while, though, and it's very intimidating to think about getting back into the workforce when I've just been home with my kids for so long. My husband has also said that he's a little nervous about me going back to work, as he knows that I've been struggling with my sexual identity. He's said that he thinks it will make me want to leave him. I feel like if I take steps toward getting a job, he'll see it as giving up on making our family work as it is, intact. I know it's the responsible thing to do, though, while we're getting along and happy. Best case scenario is that I get a job, we make more money, and my same-sex attraction evaporates when I'm not a bored housewife anymore! Right. ---------- Post added 16th Sep 2016 at 11:38 AM ---------- I need to figure out what I want, you're right. Right now I just know what I don't want. I don't want to hurt my husband or my kids. God help me, I don't want a divorce or to move out of my house. However, I want to have a fulfilling sex life. I want to explore this part of me that I've repressed my entire life. I want to be in a relationship with someone who I am drawn to as a lover, not just as a best friend, co-parent and roommate. As I've said to my therapist, sex can't be the only reason that I destroy my family, and at this point, that's the only thing missing. I'm just worried about what happens when I get more resentful, when my feelings for my husband sour and we fight and begin to wreck things with our kids. Because everyone here is telling me that it's bound to happen if I stay in the closet, that it's just a matter of time before I switch from tolerating sex to despising it. Y'all scared me to death when you said that. I've been tolerating heterosexual sex for a decade. Now that I think I know the root problem, am I going to start to despise it??
I have this crushing feeling when I just read your forum post about the future because it sounds so exactly like I could have written every word. Erg, this path we're on!! I don't know what to make of it.
SiennaFire is so correct when he says take things one step at a time. It sounds like you know step one - find a job! Once you have that done, you can think of the next step. It may take some time but as long as you're moving forward, it will definitely be worth it. Better than doing absolutely nothing and being in the same position in 10 years.
Nbd. It's hard. Isn't it? I've kept my brain occupied and my mouth shut for so long. But now the brain is on overdrive!! I feel selfish. I'm going to uproot everything just for a jump with the right person. Right? I don't see it like that anymore. I look from husbands point of view. Would I want him sleeping with me, having sex with me, caring for me, planning future events..... Whilst thinking of someone else?? I'd feel awful if I knew. Now.im no longer prepared to deny who I am, I know I've changed towards him. But I can't help it and I know it's going to get worse. However, the difference is.....we have marital issues underlying anyway. So I'll be almost relieved to leave with the kids. Also you say he know about orientation issues.....mine has noooooo idea!! I guess you just have to take baby steps. Get that job. Find out who you are in different environment, away from husband and kids. Good.luck hun. Keep posting and muddling through it all xx
I wish I had some words of wisdom for you but I don't. You're definitely not alone in your situation. I'm right there with you. Stuck in my situation for now. Afraid to do anything rash, as it will completely turn everyone's world upside down. I have two children under the age of 10. I am a bisexual stay-at-home mom living a good life. I wasn't expecting to fall in love with another woman (whom I can't have) and then realize my husband is not forever. All I feel I can do for now I work towards the future. Went back to school with plans to eventually get back out in the workforce. Take it one at a time and try not to project too much into the future. You're on the right track!
If you stay in your marriage to prevent hurting your husband and children, your unhappiness will bleed through and affect your marriage and children in ways that aren't so obvious. In addition, your husband won't be afforded the opportunity to find a woman who can love him fully. Your children won't know the real you. Which is worse? Causing short-term pain for long-term happiness? Or avoiding short-term pain and reaping long-term unhappiness? You would not be coming out for just sex. Your sexual orientation affects both your sexual and romantic attraction. I did not come out for gay sex. I came out so that I could love another man completely. My guess is that you would be coming out to love another woman. Love is love.
