Married for 10 years and questioning sexuality

Locker220

You are getting some great advice and input here on the importance of being honest to yourself and your wife. It is an incredibly hard thing to do.

I am mid-fifties and bi. I did what you described. Put my head down and proceeded forward with my life and made it happen. It wasn't all bad. Actually, it was pretty good being a closeted bisexual with what I thought was a great marriage.

That all changed when I turned about 45. My wife stopped desiring sex. I couldn't tell her how much I needed the intimacy because over the previous 10 years little by little I started closing myself off to her and to everybody really. When you hide a secret like this for so long you start to become someone different than you really are. I started to resent my wife for the loss of the intimacy and I started fantasizing about sex with men. Pretty soon I became very angry with my wife for the loss of my gay sexuality too. I was getting old(er) and felt I was running out of time.

I almost cheated. I am VERY faithful. And, still I almost destroyed my wife and my marriage by this. It took me two months,lots of posts to this forum, and a great therapist before I got the nerve to come out to her. In my case, it all worked out. But, what I discovered was that I was becoming so closed off to hide this secret, my entire personality had changed. The day after I came out to my wife her comment was "this is good, you are back". Getting this secret out, I became the guy I was when I was 25.

It will take some work and will be a very stressful and difficult time for you. But, please don't underestimate the toll this secret will have on you and eventually your wife and your child. You need to be the man you really are...for everyone's sake.

 

I see we are just going to differ on things, and it sounds like these differences are stemming from our different life experiences and who we interact with. I make no assumptions on your situation and can only speak from my own life. My wife abhors lies and secrets and has told me so since day one. She's a very transparent person. She kept pointing out that I was secretive. It was my secrets that were tearing apart our marriage. By eliminating the secret we've been able to communicate much better. Maybe every spouse has secrets, but what kind of secrets? "I ate an entire carton of Ben & Jerry's and I'm too embarrassed to tell you" secrets or "I'm falling apart because I'm questioning who I am as a sexual human being"? My wife would be okay not talking about ice cream, but not bigger stuff.

What if the shoe were on the other foot? How would you feel if you found out your spouse was secretly unhappy for the last 10-15 years because she was afraid of hurting you? It would make me so sad to know my spouse was living in pain and I'd definitely want to know the truth.

Kids are resilient. They should not be a factor as to whether or not a couple should stay together. Hell, there are couples in our situation that separate but live down the street from each other, even reside on the same property but in different dwellings so they can stay active in their kids' lives. Maybe an open marriage is an option with kids in the picture. One will never know unless he or she comes out.

If you're secretly fighting the urge to be with men in order to stay married to a woman, that is not in alignment with being true to self. Let me rephrase: That would not make ME true to MYSELF. I knowingly lived with secrets and lies for more than 10 years with my wife. I lived in FEAR of the truth. I lived in FEAR of the outcome. Fear is a strong bitch of a force to deal with. Only now am I actually living with the truth.

 

Thanks for taking the time to respond to me HereWeGo. I really enjoy reading what others think on here. I wrote what I wrote because it sounded like the OP was in a well-functioning marriage and maybe he is in a down period (pretty normal) and romanticizing his past encounters with men. It would be the same thing if he were thinking about an old girlfriend and "what might have been" with her. I was just urging caution because he is contemplating taking irreversible steps that will fundamentally change everything about his family, and there is a huge emphasis here on abstract ideas about being "true" and "free" but very little in the way of practical, real-world advice on what life as a divorced gay man may really be like for him. Speaking from personal experience, I would not be surprised to learn that a lot of these men miss the emotional and other benefits they had from being married to a woman and being the live-at-home dad to their kids.

 

Easy for you to say as someone who is bi, not gay.

---------- Post added 15th Sep 2016 at 08:16 AM ----------

Your experience is certainly not mine, and I live in one of the more gay-friendly cities of the world.

 

You're bisexual, not gay, so you don't really understand what It's like to be gay. Please do not speak over homosexuals. It would be no different than being a straight man forced into a gay marriage (if that was what was normal). You wouldn't be satisfied, and you would try to be finding girlfriends behind your husband's back.

I would never be happy being married to a man. Being forced into sex I dislike, being forced to feel romantic and loving to a man I don't love romantically and never would. Being miserable wanting something that's more valuable than being with him. Taking my anger and misery out on him, allowing my children to be miserable and having them hate themselves because I don't love their father and don't want to be with him. If I were bisexual, it would work out better because I would like men. Same for gay dudes. If you're bisexual, you already like both sexes, gay people don't. We have to live in misery our whole lives for "the sake of the children".

 

Just chiming in to say that I'm in a similar situation. Therapy is essential, especially if you do not feel ready to tell your spouse that you are questioning. It's very different discussing this with a person face to face rather than just through forums, as helpful as EC is!

I do not agree with bottling it up and hoping it passes for the sake of the kids. There will always be a tension underneath your family and it only grows resentment with your spouse. Kids feel that. I have no desire to leave my family and I love my husband dearly. With the help of my therapist, I'm trying to figure out a way to be happy and satisfied without destroying the amazing family I have. I hope to God that I can find a way! All I know for sure is that I can't go back to pretending. The box is open and I need to deal with what came out, so to speak.

Best of luck!

 

There is a concept in Judaism called "Shalom Bayit", roughly translated from the Hebrew as "peace in the home". Shalom is an interesting and very deep concept, it is not only about peace, but about completeness, and the peace that comes from doing the right thing. It is not a coincidence that paying for something is called in Hebrew "leh shalem" meaning "to settle", as one "settles" a debt.

Judaism allows for divorce for many reasons, but chief among them is when Shalom Bayit breaks down. It happens when the parents no longer love each other, or when they cannot even stand each other's presence. Conflict inevitably arises, and a definite chill settles in the home. Kids pick up on this very early and very easily, and they hate it.

This article talks about the fundamental mistake that parents often make about this. It becomes more about the parent's need to be with the child than for the wellness of the child's environment in a home without the peace of a happy marriage.

The OP indicated his admiration for his wife, however, he did not reveal the state of the marriage or its sexual component. Speaking from personal experience, I also had a reasonable (but infrequent) sex life with my ex-wife, however, this deteriorated badly after about 12 years of marriage. As I stated earlier, one's sexual orientation does not go away, and sooner or later, it will assert itself more strongly.

Doing the right thing to "settle" a long-festering issue such as one's sexuality will often involve a component of tragedy. A failed marriage for incompatible sexualities certainly falls into this category, however, it is no less the right thing to do, for the sake of peace in the home, and for the peace that comes from living with integrity.

 

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Yes. Whether you plan to come out to anyone now or ever one must still address the essence of who you really are. Sticking your head in the sand will lead to nothing but resentment and tragedy as GW said. For me finally being truthful with myself has led me to be more calm and patient and honest with my kids and others in general.

Great points in the above "debate" but lets not forget Locker220 the OP here. Can we focus on him personally more?

Locker, no one here will tell you to rush into anything. Patience is key. Keep posting and reading on here. I'm the last person who would have ever gone to a therapist but its been essential for me to work through this. I recommend it.

 

I think therapy is very under rated.
Just having someone in your corner can be the difference between make or break.

And while these things are tucked safely in your mind, no matter how full your head gets....timing is your to do with as you please.
Tell your wife tonight, Tomorrow, in 10 years, or not at all.
All you can ever do, and all you should ever do, is whatever is best for YOU.
Xx

 

I've never married so I can't offer first-hand advice, but I do know that my parents' divorce was (in retrospect) a good thing. My brother and I were 7 at the time, and although it was confusing and hard at the time, we made it as a family, and in retrospect I deeply respect my mom for having the courage to make a better life for us all. I love my dad, but it's clear now that he was a better father than husband. They even had the foresight and courtesy to keep their adult differences to themselves and always respect each other (publicly) for my brother's and my sake. It really was okay in the end.

If I remember right the world seemed topsy-turvy for about 2 years. Some of this was directly from the divorce itself - but also because we had moved from Arizona to Iowa in the process, so there were massive changes for a 7 year-old. The one thing that I knew without a doubt was that my parents both still loved me, and that they made clear. This made the change bearable.

I also had a sense that mom, my brother, and I were relying on each other. It was a bittersweet time and it helped make me who I am today in a very positive way. I'm more resilient, more self-sufficient, more adaptable - all because I had the world's most awesome single mom. And because I always had my dad, although not geographically nearby.

I can't say what I would do as a spouse because I have never experienced anything like this situation, but I do know it would eat me up to be married to a woman if I knew I was gay. I would probably favor ending the marriage as soon as possible, but only after some financial planning, self-care through therapy and building a support network, and strengthening my resolve through self inquiry and reading.

My only general advice is 1) that you can't lie to yourself and 2) authenticity is the root of all happiness.

 

Chip

I think you might want to soften up your rhetoric here. There is no reason to call men "pieces of shit" for having affairs while they are trying to understand their sexuality. It is a very confusing time for many of us who discover later in life that these same sex urges are more important than we thought.

I know, personally, how it sneaks up on some of us. Really, our relationships with our spouses often have histories of being very caring, sharing and intimate. I shelved my same sex urges for the sake of my marriage and my marriage was not a sham. Same with many of us here. We have been good husbands and fathers. Part of the reason some or our wives handle learning about our sexuality late in a marriage so well is because the relationships were built on love and caring.

Do I believe that keeping our sexuality from our spouses is a bad idea? Yes. But, I think the OP here may need to know that we respect what he tried to do in building a marriage and a family and it was not being deceitful.

 

justaguyinsf: This site is called empty closets for a reason. It is the goal for each of us to be able to be our true selves. It is true that not everyone who comes out of the closet finds what they were searching for. But you lay the failure to thrive on the Coming Out and blame the Coming Out as the reason for continued unhappiness. I would argue that your choices, circumstances, and motivation are the true causes of your happiness or lack thereof after coming out.

To OP: I think you should find a therapist whole can help you move forward and keep posting here!

 

To the people in this thread even hinting that staying in the closet forever is an option-- are you kidding me? He is married to someone of the opposite sex. If he was living in an extremely homophobic area, single, and has no option of leaving at least any time soon, fine. But this isn't the case.

I didn't even read all of the OP but if you're questioning your sexuality, you need to figure yourself out, and then take the appropriate action.

But chances are, if you're questioning your sexuality when you're in a straight marriage... you're not straight.

Take a long, hard look at yourself.

And take the necessary steps it'll take to be free and happy.

Yeah it's hard as **** but you need to do that.

Don't waste your life living a lie.