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Married for 10 years and questioning sexuality

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Locker220, Sep 13, 2016.

  1. Locker220

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    I'm 34 years old, been married for about 10 years. The problem is that I've been questioning my sexuality since I've been married. I guess I thought it was just a phase and it would pass. I grew up in a conservative home, and town. You went to high school, college and got married. That seemed to be the normal path that we all took. It wasn't until I got to college that I started questioning my sexuality and started experimenting with other men. I liked it but again thought it was a phase and would pass. My feelings would go and come, as they still do. So I would get busy with work and just push my feelings down and try not to think about it. The problem is that those feelings would just keep coming back and it seems to be coming back stronger.

    My wife is an amazing woman and I don't think has any clue of my feelings. I don't want to hurt her and feel like our marriage of 10 years and being together for 15 have been a complete waste of her time. We have a 7 year old too.

    I guess my post is 2 fold, 1) and way for me to get my thoughts out and vent, 2) seeking advise from people who have come out to their spouse and how they handled it. I understand it will be a shock regardless. My main hesitation is financial stability for both of us. We need both incomes to make ends meet and our insurance is through her work. will take anyones advice and thoughts. Thanks, it was very hard for me to write this and put it out there so please if you aren't going to be supportive don't leave a comment.
     
  2. justaguyinsf

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    I would recommend you not tell your wife if the marriage is working pretty well. Divorce with kids is a horrible situation and it is very difficult to find a stable relationship with another gay man.
     
  3. I'm gay

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    I'm afraid I can't agree with justaguyinsf. Sure, divorce is tough, and I'm going through one now. Coming out to my wife and kids was the hardest thing I've ever had to do.

    I finally came out to myself and identified as gay two years ago, but still didn't come out to anyone else, I stuffed the feelings down and continued to stay closeted. It didn't work and made me depressed and filled with anxiety, so much so that I ended up in a real emotional crisis.

    You can stay closeted forever if you choose. I tried to do that. It nearly destroyed me trying to do that. Still didn't work.

    You can't hide to yourself. You know you're gay, and it will likely eat you up trying to hide. Meanwhile, it will just be that many years later for both you and your wife. She will have even more years of feeling cheated out of life, as will you.

    I'm not here to tell you that you have to come out. I can only give you the benefit of my experience. I'm 47 years old. Do you really want to waste another 10+ years before you finally decide?

    A few questions for you to consider. You don't need to answer them here, but you might want to think about them.
    1. Are you cheating on your wife with other men? If not, do you think you can hold off forever in not doing that?
    2. How is your sex life with your wife? Is it already dwindling? What happens when you can no longer perform with her?
    3. Your son is only 7. Do you think it will be easier for him when he's 10, 13, 17? It won't be, that I can assure you.
    4. Will you and your wife have another child? Please say no.
    5. Do you daydream of escaping your life? Escapist fantasies are very common. I did.

    I saw a quote, not sure where it came from, a while back and it has stuck with me ever since. "Don't cling to a mistake just because you spent a long time making it."

    It may not seem like there's a way forward. There can be. Remember, no matter what happens you will still be your child's father. You will still be your parent's child, your sibling's brother. Those things don't change after a divorce.

    People divorce all the time in all sexual orientations, economic status, social status, area of the country, etc. It's not the end of the world. You can get past it. In my opinion, waiting only makes this situation worse.

    I hope this helps you. Good luck to you!
     
  4. HereWeGo

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    Hey Locker220,

    Welcome to EC. You've found a nice safe place to share your feelings, get information and advice and yes, vent. You'll find that there are many on here who are going through the same thing you are, or have in the past. So you are not alone in this. But you've taken a very important step by joining the conversation.

    There are so many things to think about: You say you're attracted to men and did some experimenting in college. Are you only attracted to men or is it women as well? You may be gay or you may be bi. The question my therapist posed for me is if a good looking man and hot woman walked down the street, where do your eyes drift?

    Figuring that out may help you with the next question. If you were to tell your wife, what do you want to have happen? Do you want to move on and live as an openly gay man? Do you want to remain married and have an "open marriage" where you can date men on the side? Does she know about your experimentation in college?

    There are questions you might want to talk through with a therapist before telling your wife.

    I have a different opinion than justaguyinsf. I remember the pain and agony I felt every day I kept the secret of my sexuality from my wife. It tore me apart for years and I thought about it obsessively every day. It became all consuming. Once I told my wife the truth in February this year, the anguish of keeping that secret instantly disappeared. It's hard for me to recall what it even felt like. I didn't understand the meaning of being authentic (even if I haven't achieved that in my own life yet).

    That doesn't mean that life is easy once you come out. Your wife is going to have to process in a very short time something that you've had years to figure out. There will probably be many late nights, lots of tears over confusion. Your wife's life will never be the same once you tell her as well. Your marriage will be permanently altered.

    If possible, have a couples therapist ready in the wings. We were in therapy a week after I came out. It's such a huge help to have a safe place to share and have someone help translate the many feelings you each have. I also learned the hard way to not dispense information in dribs and drabs. I went from "I find men attractive" to "I think I'm gay" to "I'm going to be an unhappy person if I don't have sex with a guy before I die!" Your wife will appreciate having all the info up front so she's not waiting for another shoe to drop.

    Also... Baby steps! There are a lot of explosive emotions the first couple of weeks. Threats about leaving... separating.... If either my wife or I had acted on those emotions, we probably wouldn't be in as good of a space as we are today. We let things calm down over a couple of months so we can navigate these waters together.

    Full disclosure: I'm out to my wife. We have a 7 and 12 year old. I suppose I'm gay, but hate labels, because it's complicated for me. I'm still madly in love with my wife, enjoy having sex with her. I have not been intimate with a guy, but still long to. I'm hoping one day I will be able to open our marriage so I can still make my wife priority number one, but still have some friends with benefits on the side. Again, we're taking baby steps... letting my wife be comfortable with having a gay husband, before we move forward. My situation is probably not the most typical.

    Some resources:

    Mixed-Orientation Marriage Pathways to Success - Great resource for navigating your journey with your wife. It speaks to bi people a lot, but can apply to gay spouses as well.

    Home « Alternate Paths - Another resource for married couples with a gay spouse. There are a lot of other places for help on the resources page.

    Finally, here is a post about my journey. I offer several updates throughout the thread. The Big Talk With My Wife. Everyone's journey is unique and each perspective is different. I can only offer my own.

    I wish you lots of luck on your own journey. Please keep posting to help guide you. Feel free to write on my wall if you ever want a more one on one conversation.
     
  5. Creativemind

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    Divorce sounds tricky if money management is a problem. Still, I don't recommend staying closeted. You should come out to her and see what you can do in the meantime until you can survive on your own.
     
  6. Nickw

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    Hi

    Welcome to EC. Great advice you are getting from the others about coming out to your wife. I have to agree that you really should come out to her. There is not a time table on this...be sure it is right for you. But, your desires only will get stronger with time.

    One thing I would like to reiterate and you should keep this always always always in your head. THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. All of us who have been through this go through periods where we blame ourselves. We married for the right reasons, we thought, and really didn't know any better.

    Take care and keep posting here..
     
  7. hexamum

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    Welcome!
    Being older, having built some kind of life, and then wanting to correct it....it's not easy, is it? :frowning2:
    I'm married, have kids, and have to find some way of dealing with all of it too.

    I can only say how my mind works, take from it as you will :slight_smile:

    I figure I need to sort my own head out before I tell anyone what's inside it!
    I am trying to work out what I want my end goal to be. Because if it leads me straight back to here, I'm not breathing a word to anyone!!
    I have children of varying ages, each will deal with it differently, so I need to think about that as well.
    I know money issues are hard for some people, but tbh, i'd rather be broke than living in hell, in my mind.

    I'm working through my issues separately. I'm trying to prioritise them, and deal with pressing ones first.

    I wish you all the luck......but most importantly...keep posting, keep talking. The minor issues that pickle your mind, almost always provoke a reply from someone :wink:
    Its safe here. No-one to judge, or tell you what you MUST do. Lots of people willing to share their journey, whether its just beginning or it's behind them.....lots of food for thought, even by just scanning back through random posts.
    xx
     
  8. I'm gay

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    This was brilliant. I wish I had written it. It certainly describes me in June. The memory of that anguish is mostly faded for me.
     
  9. TravelerMe

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    Welcome Locker220, I concur with HWG above; I'm married and have children also and I'm not yet out to my wife yet. The pain and anquish of not being able to be who I am has become more difficult as time has gone by. I plan on being out to her soon after working through things for a long time personally, here on EC, therapist and support groups. Just letting you know you're not alone.
     
  10. CameOutSwinging

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    I told myself this too when I started dating my now ex. I wanted it to be true, and had no reason to think it wasn't. And I even stopped sleeping with guys, for a short time. But then it came back. And only grew stronger. And now...yeah, definitely not a phase.

    You've taken a huge first step even coming on here and talking about all of this with us. Bravo for that! Now stick around, EC is a very helpful place. :slight_smile:
     
  11. greatwhale

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    No one here can tell you what it may be like to reveal yourself. Coming out of the closet can be an emotional roller-coaster, and it is very difficult to predict how people will react. I can only assume that being from Alabama won't help, but who knows.

    The only thing that we who have been through this can say with a reasonable degree of accuracy is that it won't go away, and, precisely because it is being repressed, it will make its presence felt in other ways, usually starting with the neglect or diminished frequency of sex with your wife. As the years pass, it may become stronger and more difficult to ignore. Rest assured, your wife will notice, if she hasn't already, that there is something going on.

    Having and holding on to powerful secrets such as this can actually change your personality, the frustration and anxiety that goes with it can distort your sense of reality, so much so that suddenly you may find yourself taking risks you never thought you would.

    It is only natural for a decent human being such as yourself not to want to hurt the one person who is closest to you, but, you have to ask the most important question: how much are you hurting her already by keeping this hidden? How much longer are you willing to go while taking her with you, as both of you age, and your chances of starting over diminish?
     
  12. justaguyinsf

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    All good points. To provide balance I would also urge the OP to consider the real world out there ... life for gay men is often very difficult and being a divorced father is doubly difficult. At this time, with a young child, it might be better (and a more just choice for all concerned) to simply put the issue of your ambiguous sexual desires (which many people deal with in ways that don't involve tearing apart a family) aside and work on your marriage and loving your wife. In my view that is just as "real" a self as openly declaring your sexuality. I think a lot of people are misled by the idea that coming out will somehow fix all of their personal struggles, when in a situation such as this it will probably add a whole new layer of difficulty. I would urge you to look for honest information about what gay men's lives are like, especially those who have been married and have kids, and whichever way you choose to act with open eyes and not based on idealized notions.
     
  13. hexamum

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    Speaking only from my mind, I have to disagree.
    At this moment in time, there is absolutely no way, I can 'put my feelings aside' and get on living as I am. No matter how hard it is on-the-other-side of the coin....at least I will be true to myself.
    If I was the innocent partner in all of this, I'd be heartbroken if my partner knew he wanted to leave, and just stayed for the convenience and 'ease' (which it definitely wouldn't be!)
    I cannot just turn off all my feelings and *love* my husband as if nothing happened.

    I do believe the OP asked for experiences and guidance to get him through this....not being told to go back and be 'real'??!!

    I have no doubt that coming out is hard on everyone involved, but in most cases, it a necessity.

    No offence intended.
     
  14. Creativemind

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    Not a good idea. Being closeted is tough for a gay person, and it can eventually lead to him cheating on his wife for a guy who will satisfy his needs. This will make the family fall apart either way. This is no different than being heterosexual and not feeling fulfilled by your partner anymore, so you choose to part ways.

    Staying together for the kids never works. Kids are hurt far less by divorce than they are by staying with parents who are not attracted to each other. Kids eventually pick up on the resentment and dissatisfaction. My best friend had her parents divorce when she was 6 and she is a well adjusted adult with close ties to both sides of her family. It never destroyed her mentally, but it might have if her parents stayed together and she picked up that it might have been her fault that they couldn't break up.

    As for the discrimination part of homosexuality, that happens to all minorities. It's hard to be a lesbian, bisexual, transgender, a woman, non-white, overweight, disabled and so on. Some have it easier than others, and others don't. I know gay men who were automatically accepted by their folks, and lesbians or disabled people who were beaten, raped, and disowned. That's not to say gay guys have it any better or worse, just that there are variables depending on who you're close to and who you come out to, so you can't hide forever based on a chance you might be hated and not find love. You don't know what kind of people you'll meet and what kind of support or not you'll get.

    But It's always worth it to not hide anymore.
     
  15. justaguyinsf

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    I appreciate the above comments and am not offended as I was just offering my perspective based on my experiences.

    And just to clarify, I think you are your "real" self no matter your situation ... even if you're closeted ... you don't need to come out of the closet to be "real." And my comments about what gay men's lives are like was actually directed more toward the problems that gay men create for themselves, such as their promiscuity, substance abuse, ageism, and general (but not always) rejection of monogamy. I live in probably the most gay-friendly city in the world and most of the gay men I know do not date or have boyfriends, and every gay-oriented event such as pride parades and the like always involve huge advertisements for alcohol. I think it's misleading to urge people to ignore reality and to set up a false dichotomy that you can't be "real" unless you take certain prescribed steps.
     
  16. Locker220

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    Thank you all who responded and gave me much to think about. I'm overwhelmed by the helpful responses. I'll be honest I found this site and didn't expect anyone to really read my post let alone respond to it. I'm truly grateful for people taking time to offer their advice.

    I think my biggest hang up is the unknown. I'm a very organized and plan oriented person and that idea of not knowing what may or may not happen scares the ever loving shit out of me. I understand that everyone who comes outs has the same fears of the unknown, but that doesn't make it any easier for me. I've been raised to be a hard worker and we didn't talk about our feelings we just dealt with whatever was bothering us on our own. Burying feelings only works for so long and eventually something has to give. Again, thank you for posting and listening I truly appreciate it.
     
  17. HereWeGo

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    Nobody said disclosing to a spouse is easy. You are right there are many things that become difficult once you open Pandora's box.

    But there's still the responsibility of self to be authentic. You yourself said "work on your marriage" and love your wife. Shouldn't honesty be a precept when it comes to marriage? How can you work on your marriage if you aren't being truthful to your marriage partner (or yourself)?

    There is tantamount importance of living your true self because the energy of covering up that truth all your life is exhausting. The energy living a lie can destroy a marriage too.

    Disclosing the truth of my sexuality made my life messy, messy messy. It's affected my work performance, it's changed the way my wife and I see each other, I'm still trying to figure out a lot about me... BUT... not once have I regretted telling the truth. My wife is now an ally. The fact that she knows I'm struggling to figure things out is huge. I can cry on her shoulder and she can truly be an emotional support. We're together in this "in sickness and in health".

    ---------- Post added 14th Sep 2016 at 01:23 PM ----------

    I went back and read your original post. None of the past 15 years of your life has been a waste of time. You found someone you love and who loves you back. You married that person and you have an amazing seven-year-old that you cherish every moment with. I'm sure you've had a lot of good times over those years. I don't know much about your situation, but I hope you can look back and say you're glad that those two people are in your life.

    Speaking from personal experience and more than 20 years together with my wife, I can honestly say that I'm a better person than I EVER could have been if I hadn't met her. And my kids... well, I can't imagine a world without them.
     
  18. Locker220

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    We've had many great times together. I'm no doubt a better person because of her. The idea of coming out to her and hurting her is the main thing that kills me.
     
  19. justaguyinsf

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  20. Creativemind

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    Like said before, I disagree with the idea of staying with the kids. The kids are innocent in the situation, but they will harbor pain and resentment if they learn their parents aren't really attracted to each other. Even as a kid, I wanted my parents to divorce. It would have saved me from having to deal with my father's alcoholism, and some of the stuff he put on my Mom that made her miserable. I wasn't involved and therefore they could have kept the secret (which they did), but kids aren't stupid. I picked up on the resentment and blamed myself. I hated my own Dad for years. He robbed happiness from my Mom and kept his secrets from me.

    Even in this situation where there is no emotional complications or problems, the son could grow resentful and hate his father for stringing his Mom along, making her believe he is straight. This is also unfair to the wife who might have romantic and sexual needs that can't be fulfilled by a gay husband. Even if he continues love and sex with her, she might desperately need a man who feels real sexual attraction. It can rob her of those needs.

    If someone isn't legit homosexual, they don't have much understanding of how awful it is to be in a straight marriage and having to hide. The gay person may love their spouse as a best friend, but the sexual and romantic needs are not really fulfilled, and eventually they start to break.

    I am NOT blaming the OP for anything or making him out to be a bad guy, either. I'm just saying that there could be a real disaster happening if he isn't able to be authentic.