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Ghosting. Who knew? .

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by SweetSoulJulia, Sep 12, 2016.

  1. SweetSoulJulia

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    I saw a post earlier today about 'ghosting' and was unfamiliar with the term. That is what J did to me slowly and painfully all summer. We used to be friends. Good friends. Soulful friends. We went out occasionally. Emailed and texted frequently. Then over the summer I began to notice I was the only one initiating and, while she would respond, she would always say she would contact me "tomorrow". She never did. Eventually, I was knocked down enough emotionally and surrendered. I stopped contacting her. Other than one studio related email (she teaches dance to my daughter), nothing. No explanation. As if we were never friends. As if we hadn't shared many personal things and moments. I am nothing to her. I waiver between hating her and wanting and missing her terribly. We haven't seen each other in almost 3 months.

    Why would anyone do such a cruel thing? I get it when it's ugly and toxic and there is no respect. I don't get it when there was a beautiful friendship. She didn't know I was in love with her.

    Is it me? To me not letting someone in on what's going in is mean. If you don't want contact, at least send an email/text saying "let's take a break". Something. To just wean someone who has offered nothing but love and support is heartless.

    How will I ever let her go when she is part of my daily life? Maybe hating her is best.
     
    #1 SweetSoulJulia, Sep 12, 2016
    Last edited: Sep 12, 2016
  2. faustian1

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    It doesn't surprise me women would be hurt by this passive-aggressive behavior. But we men also suffer this in silence as well. Other men do this to us, too. The use of these tactics, hoping "we'll get the hint" is an atrocity when used on socially insecure people.

    I am sorry she did this to you. If she had an issue with you, the New York way would be to let you know. Damn.
     
    #2 faustian1, Sep 12, 2016
    Last edited: Sep 12, 2016
  3. Really

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    People are shitty communicators. Excuse my French but they are.

    I have a friend, just a normal friend - no feelings to cloud things, who all of a sudden stopped contacting me. She is crap at responding and even though we made a "deal" to keep in touch at least once a month, has never initiated that contact and since I've stopped trying I haven't heard from her.

    Your friend either has no idea what's she's doing or does have an idea but no way to put her feelings into words so just doesn't.

    I suppose if you're resigned to hating her, there's no reason you couldn't ask her wtf is up.

    Sorry. I'm not great at communicating either. I'm past caring what's up with my "friend" so have just let it go.
     
  4. RosePetals76

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    I've been ghosted before. It sucks. And it's hard because there's so many questions. I've come to a place where I figure if they are the ones who are incapable of having a mature conversation about ending a relationship, then they must be the problem.
     
  5. caliwoman

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    I'm ghosting on someone who isn't good for me and even though it isn't good for me, I feel awful about it. My friends tell me not to be. They tell me it's in my best interest because I still have feelings for her or I'll get sucked back in or worse, she'll make me feel like crap and I will undoubtedly chase her to make amends and go through the entire circle again.

    Last time I contact the woman I'm ghosting, to explain, she said "You were an a-shole to me. You are not a nice person! I've been nothing but nice to you. You pick fights because you're not a nice person. I'm not even sure why I picked up the phone just now."
    Mind you, I had my own issues with her, which is what led to the disagreement after the first place.

    I ended up feeling awful, apologizing. No matter what I said, she'd say "I'm not even sure why I picked up the phone just now. I guess it's because I'm such a nice person."
    Then that changed to telling me "I wish you well" over anything I said and eventually, she hung up on me.
    I called her back, as now I feel very guilty, thinking I'm going to get her voicemail and I can say my peace to that. "I'm not even sure why I picked up the phone" is what I heard again, followed by her hanging up. Then, after all that, she called me back and we had a long conversation that ended with her telling me I might never hearing from her again, depending upon what SHE decided. Totally, flipped me around.

    The next morning at 7am, she was texting me good morning and we fell right back into the cycle like nothing happened until late this past week.

    I was cordial, cheery, but short in my few last texts. Then I blocked her number. I just can't go there again. This is for the best.

    In her mind, I'm probably an asshole who doesn't care. In my mind, I very much care and feel awful/guilty, but believe this is the best way to detach.

    We perceive things so differently, through our own set of filters.

    I'm sorry your friend couldn't offer you closure for what seemed like a much better friendship. You deserve much better.
     
  6. SweetSoulJulia

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    You guys are awesome. Writing in this forum has been quite therapeutic!

    I realized after a few posts came in and I reread what I wrote...I was being a tad dramatic. Just a wee bit.

    Truth is that J IS a shitty communicator. Always has been. Troubled childhood. Complex issues with her mother. Not excusing her behavior, mind you. But she has a big heart buried under tons of fear and abandonment issues.

    Caligirl, I've been following your situation(s) and I understood your need to ghost your girl. No worries. I get ya girl. It was just that I finally had a word for what I felt was happening and it threw me into a tailspin yesterday. I felt cold towards her all of the sudden, even though I know at some level it isn't so black and white as I made it sound in my post.

    In reality, I think J is cutting contact because of how she DOES feel not because of a lack of feelings. Our relationship to each other is deep and emotional and we're both married, living straight lives.

    Oh well. I think it's impossible for me to hate her and I think it's impossible for me to ever stop loving her. I will just have to find a way to live with the feelings and hope they fade over time.
     
    #6 SweetSoulJulia, Sep 13, 2016
    Last edited: Sep 13, 2016
  7. ZiJ

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    What do you think she feels? I don't know if what i'm gonna say makes sense. Some say that the only permanent thing in this world is change. Sometimes you ghosted people because you ran out of interesting things to do together or to talk about. Or got tired of talking of the same stuff. People change. Some good things do come to end. It seems like she makes you the least of her priority now. If that's the case, maybe do the same thing? Easier said than done, I know. How about every time you miss her, think about all the bad things that she did? Or that she did not do? Make yourself preoccupied?
     
  8. SweetSoulJulia

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    Thanks for the input, ZiJ. No, I don't really think it's a matter of us outgrowing each other, boredom, change. Last time I saw her (June) we had amazing night out together. Always plenty to talk about.

    My relationship with J is so emotionally complicated, bordering dysfunctional. We seem to bring out the childhood wounds in each other. If anything, she is either emotionally drained from trying to figure out what the hell we are to each other or she is running from the intensity. Was never an ordinary friendship, nor was it a casual one.

    The good news is that we have had brief communication these last few days (business turned personal) and she is now aware of the hurt she caused me and is now also aware that I am turning the tables by expressing the need for a break in the friendship (yay me!). I need to take time to figure out if this is someone who is ultimately good for me--friends or more. She has my heart, yes, but the way we relate to each is other is not healthy.

    Well, thanks all for listening and responding. It's been a saving grace. And, let me end my post with the moral of the story:

    Don't ghost. There is no reason you can't inform the other person you would like to take a break or cease contact.
     
    #8 SweetSoulJulia, Sep 14, 2016
    Last edited: Sep 14, 2016