A single life

Therapists get trained for a reason. Seems like continued work with your therapist on this is the right path to follow.

 

As I've mentioned in a previous thread, there seems to be a lot of latent homophobia in the mental health system and I don't think it's appropriate for your counsellor to be commenting on your sexuality in that way. It's possible to find lgbtq counsellors and it might be something worth looking into.

 

Hi Justasking-

My situation is similar to yours in some ways as well. I am still married, but have been separated from my wife since January. I have been caught in that fight of not knowing my sexual orientation and have also battled anxiety, OCD, and depression. I also have two daughters.

I have been exploring my sexuality for the last nine months and am now dating a great guy. I was aware of my same sex attractions back in high school, so we have a difference there. But, I must say that while exploring being gay was exciting at first, it seems I am now missing my wife and old life more often. It's such a hard situation to be in limbo.

On to your OCD as I can relate. It's a nightmare and to me it seems like its main goal is to confuse us so that we are unable to move forward. The second I tell myself I am just gay and that is ok, my OCD will say no your not then hunt for a reason why. It's like you never get a brake from the confusing thoughts. For me, what I am trying to focus on is that I tended towards guys long before I got married, had kids, then a panic attack and years of anxiety. So, i just try to move forward and ignore the bullshit in my head.

It's very difficult at times because I can wake up with my BF and get hit immediately with shame and confusion as to why I am with him. I then think about my wife and kids. Earlier this morning I woke up in a near panic wanting to be back with my wife. Also, regarding gay sex, I have had lots of fun, but other times have been full of shame and uncertainty.

I too thought coming out would ease my pain, but it hasn't yet.

 

Hello Justasking -
Thank you for your response as well. It is nice to know there is someone I can relate to as well. I have read other posts where people talk about similar issues and OCD, so I know we are not alone. But, when I am in the midst of an emotion/anxiety spike, I feel incredibly isolated.

Regarding sex with my BF, I must say it is getting better. At first it was excitement, then there was the shame. I still feel like I am doing something wrong at times, but that does seem to fade fairly quick. I just wish that I could have sexual encounters without that feeling, because my god, we are not doing anything wrong. With my wife I rarely felt shame after sex, but I think we can chalk that up to societal norms and how we were taught to think.

This is a tough road and all we can do is try to push forward and do our best. It's funny, but last June I had the most peaceful weeks I had had in sometime - I felt like I was moving forward with confidence in being a gay man. But, that has faded and I now find myself confused once again.

Let's stay in touch - my heart goes out to you.

 

I can totally relate!! It's maddening. Plus, I seem to be breaking my wife's heart and not really fully into this other relationship.

 

There are other possible conclusions. First, you could need more experience or experience with a different guy before your love of the penis kicks in. Second, you could be an oral top.

If you are clinically depressed, I don't know if/how you would experience a coming out high. Sounds like a great question for your therapist.

 

For what it's worth, one the most out and proud gay guys I know hates performing oral on guys. Flat out refuses.

 

You could lean more towards the romantic aspect of same sex attraction than the sexual part. It is also possible for you to prefer to be in another position whether that be a top/bottom/vers. Every gay guy won't have the same preference whether being sub/dom/power bottom.

Try to avoid putting a label on yourself just yet if you're still trying to figure your sexuality out. What matters the most is that you and your BF are happy. Wish it works out for you! Have people you can trust to vent to especially with your depression. Pick your BF's brain too but do what works best for both of you.

Have fun and take care!

 

May I ask why that answer is important? What would it change in your daily life? Would you feel differently about the person you're seeing? Would it change how you saw yourself?

Regarding acts/TMI and the like stress and fatigue can do a number on a guy in a hurry. Depression also. Then there's the testosterone level thing that can sneak up on a guy as early as his 20s.

If what you're doing doesn't make you happy, then do something else. It sounds like the "question that doesn't matter," aka gay/bi/straight has gotten you worn down to where sitting things out sounds like a welcome change.

That's what I've done for the last few months and to be honest the only thing I've really taken a break from is myself. Everything's still there, good, bad and otherwise.

Of course they are. People are single for any number of reasons. But there's a real difference between being single and living in self-imposed exile. I don't think the latter would add anything of value to your life.


Short version -- if you're not happy do something else. But IMHO "permanently single" isn't an answer in itself (at least it wasn't for me).

PC

 

Seems like your definitely doing all the right things to try and figure it out. Your being open minded, experimenting, etc. Good for you!

With that, only you can conclude what your sexuality is.

 

I don't want to be a sky diver, I am afraid of sky diving. I do not sky dive because I also do not know how to sky dive. And since I do not know how to sky dive, I do not really worry about ever being a sky diver nor worry about my fear of sky diving.

 

When you say this guy is very good looking, what do you mean exactly? Are you attracted to him? Or are you just acknowledging that he is an attractive person (who you think you SHOULD be attracted to, but aren't?)

I see women all the time and think they're attractive, but it doesn't mean I'm attracted to them.

I don't think you having no desire to kiss him, touch him, do anything sexual with him etc necessarily means that you weren't attracted to him. It could just be your mind going into overdrive to protect your straight self and stopping you from wanting to do those things. Could also just be where you're at comfort level wise, not being ready to do those things even with a guy you're attracted to.

Of course, it could also just be that you're straight. Only you will really be able to tell that.